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2014-03-27 7:09 PM
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Master
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Subject: RE: Depression and Moods- Check in!

Originally posted by lkct01234

*bump*

I had a rough day yesterday. As I mentioned a few months ago, I've been having a problem getting to sleep. Thank GOODNESS! The little one is sleeping longer or else the middle of the night feedings can be rough when a takes an hour+ to get back to sleep. (Please God, continue to let her rest!!)

I take both a mood stabilizer and an anti-depressant. (Bi-Polar Type II diagnosis). So I've been dialing back on my anti-dep. I lowered it a bit (although I was already on a pretty low dose) and the RNP (/doctor) wanted me to give it 2 weeks. It had been about 10 or 11 days and I had a bad day, or 2. I kept going a few days and poof! I was ok.

So I decided to lower it again. (OK'ed by RNP at last appt.) And it hasn't been quite 2 weeks and the past 2 days were bad. Yesterday was really bad. Lots of tears and negative thoughts.

I have put together a training plan, to shoot for an OLY in late August. This will be my first Tri longer than a Sprint. I'm 7 weeks post shoulder-surgery (SLAP and bone impingement, I think??) and am getting range of motion back. I'm out of sling and pretty much OK to move around, but no weight lifting yet. So, of course, swimming is put on hold and I haven't been on an upright bike since before surgery. Regardless, I have a plan, but it is still a little discouraging since I am going to have to modify. However, my goal is to finish the OLY in the time frame allowed. (I think it's 4 hours..)

I'm on my period - which doesn't help AT ALL - and have been eating a lot of sugary treats. Eating my feelings hasn't ever helped me...but I can still hope that it will this time!! :-/

Today has been better and I hope to convince myself to go to the Y as planned. My motivation towards exercise has never been good. I don't experience "high"s during exercise but I believe it helps me after/next day. I sometimes give myself too much leeway and "allow" myself to not do something. I usually rationalize it by blaming my mood issues. I'm sure there is a balance between allowing and forgiving for when it happens.

Ho hum, I say. I hope those in the snowy/cold areas are finally beginning to get back outside. We had a few great days and now it's rainy again. It's not nicknamed the "NorthWET" for nothing!

 

My moods have been pretty good lately considering the divorce is still new.  I need to go back to the doc in a box for a refill on my anxiety meds.  I have found that receiving emails and such from the ex sends me into a tailspin.  He is still trying to control things and play games with my mental state.  I need to go back to running as I signed up for my first full marathon this fall.  My motivation has been pretty low with everything going on.  I thought I was doing better until the ex decided that I have to continue to look for a better job because I am "underemployed."  IF he thinks he can find me a job teaching high school English here in the not-so-great state of IL, more power to him.  



2014-03-28 4:49 PM
in reply to: BAMBAM66

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Elite
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Subject: RE: Depression and Moods- Check in!

It can't be easy. One step at a time, I try to follow!

2014-03-28 8:47 PM
in reply to: lkct01234

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Subject: RE: Depression and Moods- Check in!

Today has been almost cathartic.  Sent an email to the ex letting him know that I wish him happiness and finding whatever he is searching for but he will no longer find it in me.  I also told him I am no longer angry with him, I just feel very sorry for him.  I still have the boys and our grandson and he chose to not have that.

Surprisingly, I felt very much at peace after sending that.

2014-04-02 7:07 PM
in reply to: #1319576


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Subject: RE: Depression and Moods- Check in!
I came out of hospital 2 weeks ago, apart from 6 weeks in the summer I had been in for a year, the six weeks ended in relapse and read mission. During this time I have been unable to do any exercise whatsoever on a ward, I have also developed some kind of problem with pain in ball of my foot and under base of toes which stops me from walking never mind running. I have been on 3 bike rides now, the last one on Sunday the first tri group bike rode this year. I found this so hard physically as I am so out of shape and weigh more, but I was also constantly welling up with tears of disappointment and sadness at how pathetic my strength and endurance are. Cycling was always guaranteed to bring me feelings of happiness, I don't know if I will ever get back to where I was
2014-04-04 11:46 AM
in reply to: Positivelymental

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Subject: RE: Depression and Moods- Check in!

Originally posted by Positivelymental I came out of hospital 2 weeks ago, apart from 6 weeks in the summer I had been in for a year, the six weeks ended in relapse and read mission. During this time I have been unable to do any exercise whatsoever on a ward, I have also developed some kind of problem with pain in ball of my foot and under base of toes which stops me from walking never mind running. I have been on 3 bike rides now, the last one on Sunday the first tri group bike rode this year. I found this so hard physically as I am so out of shape and weigh more, but I was also constantly welling up with tears of disappointment and sadness at how pathetic my strength and endurance are. Cycling was always guaranteed to bring me feelings of happiness, I don't know if I will ever get back to where I was

Sounds like things are really hard right now and it's tough not to compare yourself with where you were or where others are right now.  Good for you for getting back on the bike, even though you aren't able to ride like you used to.  That's a huge accomplishment in and of itself and you deserve major kudos for doing it!!  The foot pain sucks.  If you can, maybe post something in the injuries forum for suggestions.  If that feels too overwhelming, just focus on the bike for now and maybe find a partner with a similar level of fitness so you're not comparing yourself to the super-speedies who make you feel lousy about yourself.

Be gentle on yourself and try to turn off the "shoulds" (I know, easier said than done!!).  I too have been in a really low place.  January was the most recent, and I was ready to give up on life then.  When I'm there, I get super self-critical too.  I had someone urge me to do a little something every day.  Doesn't have to be much, just something like 10 crunches.  If you can find a way to do some small thing like that and congratulate yourself for doing something positive.  Even though it feels like you're starting from scratch, it can really help because you'll be able to feel improvement and a sense of accomplishment. You'll get there.  You're getting stronger every day, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

m

2014-04-04 11:49 AM
in reply to: Positivelymental

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Subject: RE: Depression and Moods- Check in!

Originally posted by Positivelymental I came out of hospital 2 weeks ago, apart from 6 weeks in the summer I had been in for a year, the six weeks ended in relapse and read mission. During this time I have been unable to do any exercise whatsoever on a ward, I have also developed some kind of problem with pain in ball of my foot and under base of toes which stops me from walking never mind running. I have been on 3 bike rides now, the last one on Sunday the first tri group bike rode this year. I found this so hard physically as I am so out of shape and weigh more, but I was also constantly welling up with tears of disappointment and sadness at how pathetic my strength and endurance are. Cycling was always guaranteed to bring me feelings of happiness, I don't know if I will ever get back to where I was

Sounds like things are really hard right now and it's tough not to compare yourself with where you were or where others are right now.  Good for you for getting back on the bike, even though you aren't able to ride like you used to.  That's a huge accomplishment in and of itself and you deserve major kudos for doing it!!  The foot pain sucks.  If you can, maybe post something in the injuries forum for suggestions.  If that feels too overwhelming, just focus on the bike for now and maybe find a partner with a similar level of fitness so you're not comparing yourself to the super-speedies who make you feel lousy about yourself.

Be gentle on yourself and try to turn off the "shoulds" (I know, easier said than done!!).  I too have been in a really low place.  January was the most recent, and I was ready to give up on life then.  When I'm there, I get super self-critical too.  I had someone urge me to do a little something every day.  Doesn't have to be much, just something like 10 crunches.  If you can find a way to do some small thing like that and congratulate yourself for doing something positive.  Even though it feels like you're starting from scratch, it can really help because you'll be able to feel improvement and a sense of accomplishment. You'll get there.  You're getting stronger every day, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

m



2014-04-06 10:14 AM
in reply to: Positivelymental

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Subject: RE: Depression and Moods- Check in!

Dealing with some demons today!  Went out with friends last night and had a great time, but got an email from M saying he was going to call today to go over taxes and such and my head starts to spin and my heart starts to race.    I know I shouldn't care about him but I just can't turn off those feelings.  He turns his feelings off and on like they are faucets.  I told the doctor that I wanted to try to handle things without the use of Xanax, but days like this make me think twice about that choice.  I want to hear his voice but I know that what I want to hear won't be said.  

2014-04-07 5:40 PM
in reply to: #4975690


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Subject: RE: Depression and Moods- Check in!
Thanks for your kind words
2014-04-08 12:10 PM
in reply to: BAMBAM66

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Subject: RE: Depression and Moods- Check in!

Originally posted by BAMBAM66

Dealing with some demons today!  Went out with friends last night and had a great time, but got an email from M saying he was going to call today to go over taxes and such and my head starts to spin and my heart starts to race.    I know I shouldn't care about him but I just can't turn off those feelings.  He turns his feelings off and on like they are faucets.  I told the doctor that I wanted to try to handle things without the use of Xanax, but days like this make me think twice about that choice.  I want to hear his voice but I know that what I want to hear won't be said.  

Sorry to hear things are so rough right now.  I find it can be really frustrating to feel like I have to take meds to manage my moods.  When I'm feeling like that, I try to let up on myself and tell myself that if just a pill helps me have the strength to keep going, it's totally worth it.  I see it as the meds giving me a break from the full intensity without turning off the feelings completely.  Without the intensity, I can learn to manage things better so I can ease off the meds.  Stepping down is also always hard and usually the bumps make me question my decision. Sometimes I decide it's not worth it and I increase the dose again.  There are some meds that I have decided are completely necessary and I'll never go off them.  I take 6 mental health meds and it's a lot but it keeps me on an even keel so I just suck it up and take 'em.

The time will come when you can go without the Xanax, but it's okay to use it for now.  "Now" can be a day-by-day assessment, or it can be a "I'll give it another x months and reassess."  Either way, it doesn't mean you're weak.  Hang in there and be gentle with yourself.  You are strong and you will get through this.

2014-05-02 1:05 PM
in reply to: laffinrock

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Subject: RE: Depression and Moods- Check in!
So is anyone here anymore? I am my usual depressed self. Work sucks and i am getting fat. Ok that is all I have for today.
2014-05-02 1:19 PM
in reply to: TeddieMao

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Subject: RE: Depression and Moods- Check in!

Originally posted by TeddieMao So is anyone here anymore? I am my usual depressed self. Work sucks and i am getting fat. Ok that is all I have for today.

Not so much posting anymore--that goes for a lot of us, I think--but I do check this thread whenever it's active.

I love you. You are every bit as brilliant, warm, and supportive as your avatar, and this is often when things are dark for you. I'm sorry to hear that they are again. Chronic illness in whatever form just wears you down. Keep trudging. There will be light and laughter even in the midst of it.

I'm getting fat, too. Scratch that. I AM fat, and depressed, and extremely tired. Also medical condition related stuff, and sometimes, all you can do is just keep swimming. Whatever it takes just for today, or just hour by hour if necessary.



2014-05-02 8:23 PM
in reply to: IndoIronYanti

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Subject: RE: Depression and Moods- Check in!
Wow
I'm so glad I found this thread. I had always been under the impression that triathletes were perfectly happy people, and it's a relief to see that they can be real human beings too. I applaud everyone who has posted on this thread, because I think it takes so much courage to publicly (sort-of) talk about these issues which as one poster put it, carries a stigma. Nobody should be ashamed. Depression is a jail cell that you can't escape. You can break an arm and put it in a cast, you can get a cut and put a band-aid on it, but you can't escape your own mind. It can be so hard and my thoughts are with all of you.
Now a question. It seems like a lot of people, when they get depressed, fall into a slump of eating a lot. Does anyone else have the opposite happen? When it happens to me, I become sick to my stomach, nauseated, I puke, and when I haven't had anything to eat, I dry heave. Naturally, this gets in the way of my training. After a few days of not being able to work out because my body is so weak, I have an even harder time because I miss working out, and so it's a downward spiral. Does this happen to anyone else? It's so frustrating because people will just say "come on! you need to it!" Well I know I need to eat! But I can't!
Thank you all again for your honesty on this thread. It's amazing. I've read through the entire thing, all 39 pages of it. I'll leave you with a few quotes from some favorite movies of mine:

"Look at it this way, in 100 years who's gonna care?" - Terminator

and

"You feel so lost, so cut off, so alone, only you're not. See, in all our searching, the only thing we've found that makes the emptiness bearable, is each other. " - Contact


Hugs to everyone
2014-05-19 6:43 PM
in reply to: 0

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Subject: RE: Depression and Moods- Check in!
My daughter is anorexic. Fortunately she has had it under control for 4+ yrs but your symptoms sound very similar to her's. After a number of years in therapy as well as 2 months in a 24/7 residential setting, a therapist ask her if she carried her emotions in her stomach. That struck a cord with her and really helps her cope when under stress. My advice is to seek out a good therapist....you may have to try several. You are struggling with something that you probably can not handle alone. It took me 40+ yrs to seek help with my depression....those 40 yrs were lost in a fog. Get some good help from professionals. There is no shame in doing so. It shows strength on your part!!!

Edited by riltri 2014-05-19 6:43 PM
2014-07-28 8:51 AM
in reply to: trijamie

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Subject: RE: Depression and Moods- Check in!

Hi Trijamie, I don't have much of an appetite most of the time and when depressed it gets worse.  Nausea AND depression just sounds like the worst!!  Have you found anything that works?  Have you tried any medications?

Hang tough out there!

2014-08-14 10:43 AM
in reply to: annie

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Subject: RE: Depression and Moods- Check in!
Anyone have any experience with Support groups. I have been thinking of going to one near my house. Anything would help I guess.
2014-08-14 12:09 PM
in reply to: TeddieMao

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Supersonicus Idioticus
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Subject: RE: Depression and Moods- Check in!
I just found the link to this thread from CoJ. So where was this thread four years ago? Actually, I guess it was still around... lol.

People ask, "why would Robin Williams (or anyone) kill himself?" Imagine looking through a telescope and seeing a vicious grizzly bear. You start to panic. There is nothing stopping it from mauling you to death. You are sure you're a goner. You don't see that there is a fence around the bear, and you don't see that gov't officials are tranquilizing it and relocating it. All you see is the bear through your narrow lens. Sure, you think there is probably something outside your field of view which will keep you safe, but your mind keeps focusing back on the bear with his menacing teeth. I think depression is that lens. So when people say they know no reason why someone would kill themselves, they actually see the same things, but allow their psyche to be more influenced by the big picture, not just the bear.


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