Step-parents or Divorced Parents out there?

i'm not a step-parent but i have been a girlfriend to a divorced father and grew up with a (admittedly very cool) stepmom.

i would never in a million years discipline brian's kids, nor would i have taken it from my stepmom.  that is just not your place.  teenage girls are GOING to act like that. 

it appears that your problem is your husband, not the stepdaughter.  he has to be the one being a parent and enforcing the rules.  you never mentioned actually speaking to HIM about it.  tell him your expectations and how you see things.  tell him to be the parent because you are NOT.  but don't blame it on this girl.  being a teenage girl SUCKS (don't you remember?) and growing up with divorced parents is HARD.  she's acting out because she can.  and you really don't get any say, especially since she doesn't live with you.

sorry if i came off really harsh, not meaning to at all, i clearly have very strong opinions about the role of step parents.

Gee, we have a teenager. His mother and I are his natural parents, he's mouthy, hard to discipline, and occasionally rude to his mother and me. We took him to freakin' Disney World for a week this summer, he was bored within minutes and pouted the entire time.

Not sure why you think you have a special problem here...

I'm not a parent but my parents divorced while I was a teenager and I had to live with my stepmom.  I'm sure she tried her hardest but it wasn't until I was an adult that I appreciated her OR my actual parents.  It's just the way teenagers are, I think, at least that's how I was. 

My parents wouldn't allow certain rude behavior but I was a typical teenager - mouthy, rude, inconsiderate at times, unappreciative other times, sloppy, said things I don't mean (I don't know how many times I said "I wish you weren't my father," or "You're not my mother", stomped up the stairs, etc.  Looking back I was the idiot teenager and I appreciate all of my parents very much now.

I will note that I don't know what would have happened if my stepmother tried to discipline me, though.  I think I would have freaked out at her; however, my father and her sat us down and went over certain rules.  My step mom enforced those rules! 

Oh memories.

I would talk to your husband about it.

IMHO, your problem is with your husband, not the girl.  Your husband is your partner and he is the one who brought you into this situation.  He is the one that should appreciate you.  He is the one that should back you in enforcing 'house' rules.  It sounds to me like the girl is the 'pack leader' in the house.  That is your husband's fault - not hers.  He should be taking the lead with HIS daughter.  That responsibility should not fall on you.    

Interesting first post.  Lurker, or BTer with a different name? 

Anyway, I agree that the issue is with your husband, not the girl.   He ought to have enough respect for you to back you up on this stuff, after all, when the girl is in your house, it is in fact YOUR house.

A previous poster mentioned something about being the girlfriend of someone with children.  Apples and oranges.  Nowhere close to being the same situation.  Discipline away.  If it wasn't in your home, I might feel differently.  But, it is.

Where to start... I am a divorced parent of 2 (27 & 25 years old now), a step father of 1 (18) and a father of 2 more (14 & 11.5) with my current wife. The oldest 4 are boys. With that said, life has been interesrting for the past 14 years. In our situation, my "step son" ( a term I never used) was 1-1/2 years old when they moved in. So my issue's were a bit different. I will say, to this very day, I will flat out refuse to treat any of them differently (well, except "my baby girl". If rules were broken the punishment was the same for each one didn't matter it was a grounding or a swat accross the backside ( very seldom needed the latter, except with my daughter ... LOL).

I think the biggest issue is that the "parents" must be on the same team, backing each other up(even when you disagree with their calls). If you're not, there's no winning. Set boundries together and enforce them the same way as one united team. Right is right. Wrong is wrong. One other thing everyone needs to remember as "responsible" parents who aren't trying to win a popularity contest is this very simple phrase... My house, My rules, obey them and life is great. disobey them and life get harder. Funny thing as kids gert older they start to understand and respect why we were such "meanies" when they were younger.

I'm sure many will disagree with my $0.02. That's OK, one size won't fit all. But it worked for me.

PEACE

She sounds like a typical teenager of divorced parents. You aren't her mother but you can learn to be her mentor/friend. It can take years for those bonds to form and might not happen at all depending on the willingness of the child. If you don't like her behavior, like other's said, talk to her father so you can stand a common front on the issues.   IMHO standing off on the  calling because she was unappreciative of your outing, sounds a bit immature. You don't think she noticed? I bet she did and that  you disengaging gives her proof in the pudding that your intentions weren't legit.

 and finally this is soooo why Im not doing the "Brady Bunch"  thing with my kids; I just don't see the benefits. I'm more than half way there; I can wait.

Parents must be on the same page whether the kids are their natural kids together or step kids.  I am guessing that if you have, or plan to have kids together, he would probably be the same way-inconsistent and a push over. 

Doesn't sound like your styles match.  I agree-he is the biggest part of the problem-she is taking her cues from him.  

But congratulations to you for persevering in a thankless situation.  But we shouldn't do nice, kind, caring things for the payback (and I don't think you were).  Although, it would be nice in this situation to know your time, care, and concern were appreciated.  Although I bet she appreciates you more than you realize.

Breathe and do what your heart and your brain tell you are the right things to do.

SweetK - 2008-12-22 9:10 PM Your story sounds familiar. My daughter goes to visit her Dad every other weekend, but has been having trouble with his "girlfriend" lately. The girlfriend yells at her too much and makes her feel bad, not understanding her growing pains, but rather plants a fist down on the table. The funny thing is this girlfriend works with children for a living, you think she would know how to manage a girl coming of age. That she would be calm and not yell, and work with her to overcome her shortcomings, and not be so quick to anger. It's a two way street... communication is always the key without that, you have nothing. I find kids do better with reasoning than with the absolute last word. They don't grow if they can't voice how they feel to both parents without getting yelled at. Funny, the OP sounds like someone I know Topic of the day with my ex-husband

YOU are more of a woman than I am....if the girlfriend yelled or banged fists at my kids, I'd lose my mind.  It sounds like the gf needs a coming of age.  Yay for you and your level-headedness!

Not a step parent, but was a step kid. You won't get appreciation now for what you are doing now. Not from any of them. Keep at it though, be the stepmom you want to be -  for your own sake and peace of mind. Later, yeah, she'll appreciate it. Just not now.

As for "You're not my mom" Easy. "Of course I'm not your mom! Were you confused?"  If you act all concerned like she might have actually been confused, you could even get a laugh from her.  With "My mom wouldn't do that." Try: "I'm not your mom, remember?" She's trying to push your buttons.

Good luck. Welcome to BT.

agree with most of the above. your problem is with her dad not being a parent and avoiding confrontation maybe due to guilt at leaving.

I am a divorced dad to a 9 year old girl who already tries the pouting sulks when she visits and I know it is aimed at my new wife. A lot of it with her is how her mum is towards the situation. In our house when they visit they play by our rules and it is up to me to enforce them not my new wife which avoids the "your not my mum" scenario.

As an old friend of mine once said to me and is so true "You never appreciate your parents truly until you become a parent. Then you suddenly realise how much they did for you."

I wish you luck

Some of you have been brutal, some supportive. I have to figure this all out for myself. Being an open-minded person, it was good for me to hear the brutal and the supportive feedback.

Just to reply to some of the feedback that was given though:

1. I VERY MUCH LIKE HER. I LOVE HER. I CARE ABOUT HER AND HER FEELINGS. I can't say it enough!

2. I discipline her especially when we are alone. I should discipline her if she breaks the rules when I'm the only adult present. If not, that would just provide inconsistency that would cause other problems. I do need to step back and let Dad do the disciplining when he's around. I guess if he doesn't mind the way she talks to him, I shouldn't let it bother me either.

3. She is not a teenager. She is a 9 year-old child.

Like I had mentioned in the OP, we had a very good relationship. We had fun together, she would tell me things that I don't think she told either parent. It's been recently that things have gotten worse. I just want to rebuild our relationship and start having fun again. It won't be easy, but there will be a reward at the end. Discussing discipline strategies and definitive rules feelings with my husband is necessary.

 Thanks for all of your comments!

As a step-parent myself, I will let you in on a major fact.  Her attitude towards you is going to ebb and flow.  Maybe it is developing hormones, insecurities of childhood, unhappiness about her folks splitting and thinking that rejecting you will bring them back together (if I chase all of them off, Mom will be the only one left and then they will get back together), whatever it is going on in her mind at the time.

What you should do is to keep doing what you were doing.  Get back on the phone, invite her over, ask her if she wants to do something fun and find out what it is that she wants to do (within limits, of course), and be the best that you can be. 

Will she appreciate it right now?  Probably not, and certainly not all of the time.  Will she come of age and realize what you did for her even though you could have just as easily treated her like she didn't belong and was a pain to deal with?  Absolutely.  Think of it like a long term investment.  Sometimes it looks like you made a good decision and sometimes it looks like a bad decision and sometimes, you just aren't sure.  But when the investment finally returns, it couldn't have been a wiser move.  I would say you have anywhere from 8 to 14 years before you get to "cash in".  Besides, you aren't doing it for you, you are doing it for her.  The best thing we can do as a role model/mentor/parent is to give all of ourselves to make the subject of our concern a better person.  You will get there if you keep your eye on the ball.  Good Luck and when things seem bad - smile and put your running shoes on. 

I've been a step mom for a little over 4 years (girl 14, boy 11), and I understand completely what you're going through.  The one thing I can't stress enough is counseling!  It took 4 years to get my husband to agree.  If we had started from the beginning I think things would've been much better.  Counseling for you and husband, separate family counseling, and counseling for the kid. 

The first issue is not your daughter but your husband.  You two need to sit down discuss the household rules (keep them basic and 10 or less) AND DON'T CHANGE THEM.  Children especially one going between households need structure and stability so they know what's expected of them.  Next discuss discipline (who, how, duration, and sticking to it).  MOST IMPORTANT - Do not fight in front of the child!  She wins.  You're evil.  Whether you caused her parents divorce or not, you did and you took her dad's sole affection away from her.  You are unwrapping the string around her little finger that she kept daddy on and she will resent you. 

I know this will sound silly, but watch super nanny.  Even though my stepdaughter was older we learned a lot of good tips.  Attention is attention whether good or bad.  Reinforce good behavior, correct bad behavior w/super nanny tips (I know, laugh), and pick your fights.  It will keep the fighting lower between you and your hubby and you and your stepdaughter.

As for the comments  "you're not my mom" and "my mom wouldn't do that"... say, "Good, I don't want to be like your mom.  I don't need to copy her.  This is how I do it.  Would you like to learn another way?"  Sometimes she'll say yes.  Sometime she say no or pout, silent treatment, etc... say ok and continue doing what you're doing.

I have the advantage/disadvantage of being 10 years younger than her mom.  So we've been able to bond over clothes and shopping (don't get carried away) because I'll take her to the mall and actually allow her to try the clothes on.  There are 2 rules.  1. Everything you want to purchase must be tried on.  2.  If I say no the answer is no.  It does not matter if it's my money or her allowance money.  (Note:  Typically the only reasons I say no is wrong fit or cost)

Is she athletic at all?  I was able to start bonding w/Joce because of triathlons.  She can't swim so we signed up for a duathlon.  We trained after work, and she became very protective of our one on one training time.  When her brother would ask to join she'd even start fighting with him to make sure he didn't get to participate.  (He and his dad would do a different activity).  Might be worth looking into if you think she'd be interested. 

Biggest rule to step parenting...BREATHE.  Try to keep structure and enjoy the time with her, and IMHO stay out of the time she has at her mom's unless you move away and visitation changes. 

Don't try to be her mom or her best friend.  She already has one of each.  You are "insert first name".  You are an adult in the household.  Don't try to be more and things will get easier over time.  Good Luck!

Being a step-parent and often accused by my husbands ex-wife of many inaccurate things and sometimes even out right lies, remember there are 3 sides to every story.  The child's, the step parent/girlfriend (in this case), and the truth. 

If the birth parents, on both sides, put more of an effort into meeting and getting along w/the exes significant other, raising the children would be easier for everyone because of a semi or even united front.  The parents would also recognize when the children are trying to play the parents against each other to keep mom and dad in each others lives.  As sad reality but very common if the parents and s/o don't get along.

 Well said.

To the OP, good luck and Happy Holidays