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2008-12-23 12:58 PM
in reply to: #1869075

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2008-12-23 1:27 PM
in reply to: #1867780

Elite
3223
20001000100100
Hendersonville
Subject: RE: Step-parents or Divorced Parents out there?

The child is testing you. She wants to know how much you care, whether you can be trusted to always be there. If you "stop trying" when she gives you a hard time, you are showing her that you do not love her unconditionally and that your relationship with her is conditional on her being a "good girl". When she challenges you, when she pouts at the forced attempts at bonding, when she is snotty and rude, THOSE are the times you are proving to her who YOU are. And YOU are the person that will always be there for her no matter what she throws at you, so start acting like it.

When the child starts testing your limits, you know they are starting to feel secure enough in their relationship with you to not be on their best behavior all the time. Take it as a compliment that she is starting to trust that you will be there no matter what and is beginning to explore boundaries with you.



Edited by Tri Take Me Away 2008-12-23 1:29 PM
2008-12-23 1:53 PM
in reply to: #1869713

Champion
5868
50005001001001002525
Urbandale, IA
Subject: RE: Step-parents or Divorced Parents out there?
Tri Take Me Away - 2008-12-23 1:27 PM

The child is testing you. She wants to know how much you care, whether you can be trusted to always be there. If you "stop trying" when she gives you a hard time, you are showing her that you do not love her unconditionally and that your relationship with her is conditional on her being a "good girl". When she challenges you, when she pouts at the forced attempts at bonding, when she is snotty and rude, THOSE are the times you are proving to her who YOU are. And YOU are the person that will always be there for her no matter what she throws at you, so start acting like it.

When the child starts testing your limits, you know they are starting to feel secure enough in their relationship with you to not be on their best behavior all the time. Take it as a compliment that she is starting to trust that you will be there no matter what and is beginning to explore boundaries with you.

That was so much more well said than what I wrote, I am almost embarrassed.

2008-12-23 2:01 PM
in reply to: #1868826

Elite
2673
20005001002525
Muskego, WI
Subject: RE: Step-parents or Divorced Parents out there?
ell-in-or - 2008-12-22 11:18 PM

Not a step parent, but was a step kid. You won't get appreciation now for what you are doing now. Not from any of them. Keep at it though, be the stepmom you want to be -  for your own sake and peace of mind. Later, yeah, she'll appreciate it. Just not now.

As for "You're not my mom" Easy. "Of course I'm not your mom! Were you confused?"  If you act all concerned like she might have actually been confused, you could even get a laugh from her.  With "My mom wouldn't do that." Try: "I'm not your mom, remember?" She's trying to push your buttons.

Good luck. Welcome to BT.

To the OP, please read this post.  Over and over.

2008-12-24 5:18 AM
in reply to: #1869713

Master
2665
20005001002525
The Whites, New Hampshire
Subject: RE: Step-parents or Divorced Parents out there?
Tri Take Me Away - 2008-12-23 2:27 PM

The child is testing you. She wants to know how much you care, whether you can be trusted to always be there. If you "stop trying" when she gives you a hard time, you are showing her that you do not love her unconditionally and that your relationship with her is conditional on her being a "good girl". When she challenges you, when she pouts at the forced attempts at bonding, when she is snotty and rude, THOSE are the times you are proving to her who YOU are. And YOU are the person that will always be there for her no matter what she throws at you, so start acting like it.

When the child starts testing your limits, you know they are starting to feel secure enough in their relationship with you to not be on their best behavior all the time. Take it as a compliment that she is starting to trust that you will be there no matter what and is beginning to explore boundaries with you.


x58 million. Children CRAVE boundaries. They want them more than they want life itself. When a child screams "I HATE YOU" at you, this is when they love you the most, and when you know you have earned their trust and respect. Your daughter is a typical nine year old. From your description, you are the best parent she's got, so don't fail her now.

I act as a parent to my BEST FRIEND'S children, and they treat me as such. I help lay down rules, I help kiss boo-boos, I help with homework and learning to braid and I listen to the screams of "I HATE YOU." Our relationship got a whole heck of a lot better when I fully accepted my role as one of their many parents. Still, the oldest is eight - seven was way worse, but we all survived, and we'll go through it again. They're kids, they go through rough patches.

The fact that you treat your daughter differently when your husband is around versus when you two are alone is unfair to both him and her (and obviously frustrating for you). You should be nothing if not utterly consistent. If he doesn't parent, welcome to the wonderful world of dealing with spouses who don't parent. Your genetic status has NO bearing - you CHOSE to be her parent when you married him, so buck up and do your job across the board.

Lemme restate that: you chose to be her parent when you married him. Do your job like you mean it, and she will be so much better off for it, no matter how much she screams now.
2008-12-26 3:19 PM
in reply to: #1867795

Expert
966
5001001001001002525
Decatur
Subject: RE: Step-parents or Divorced Parents out there?
meherczeg - 2008-12-22 2:36 PM

i'm not a step-parent but i have been a girlfriend to a divorced father and grew up with a (admittedly very cool) stepmom.

i would never in a million years discipline brian's kids, nor would i have taken it from my stepmom.  that is just not your place.  teenage girls are GOING to act like that. 

it appears that your problem is your husband, not the stepdaughter.  he has to be the one being a parent and enforcing the rules.  you never mentioned actually speaking to HIM about it.  tell him your expectations and how you see things.  tell him to be the parent because you are NOT.  but don't blame it on this girl.  being a teenage girl SUCKS (don't you remember?) and growing up with divorced parents is HARD.  she's acting out because she can.  and you really don't get any say, especially since she doesn't live with you.

sorry if i came off really harsh, not meaning to at all, i clearly have very strong opinions about the role of step parents.

 

x2

 My uncle and aunt (aunt is step-mom) went through the same thing. Now my uncle's child is no longer allowed in the house until she can respect my aunt in her own house. She didn't learn when she grew up. But my auntie tried her darndest.



2008-12-26 6:24 PM
in reply to: #1872763

Master
1903
1000500100100100100
Portland, Oregon
Subject: RE: Step-parents or Divorced Parents out there?
latrina - 2008-12-26 1:19 PM
meherczeg - 2008-12-22 2:36 PM

i'm not a step-parent but i have been a girlfriend to a divorced father and grew up with a (admittedly very cool) stepmom.

i would never in a million years discipline brian's kids, nor would i have taken it from my stepmom.  that is just not your place.  teenage girls are GOING to act like that. 

it appears that your problem is your husband, not the stepdaughter.  he has to be the one being a parent and enforcing the rules.  you never mentioned actually speaking to HIM about it.  tell him your expectations and how you see things.  tell him to be the parent because you are NOT.  but don't blame it on this girl.  being a teenage girl SUCKS (don't you remember?) and growing up with divorced parents is HARD.  she's acting out because she can.  and you really don't get any say, especially since she doesn't live with you.

sorry if i came off really harsh, not meaning to at all, i clearly have very strong opinions about the role of step parents.

x2

 My uncle and aunt (aunt is step-mom) went through the same thing. Now my uncle's child is no longer allowed in the house until she can respect my aunt in her own house. She didn't learn when she grew up. But my auntie tried her darndest.

I hope that the 'banned from the house' won't last long. She can't ever 'show she can respect' someone by being banned from their presence. From personal experience, using that method of punishment can easily lead to lifelong estrangement. If that is what he wants, then great. Otherwise, it might be good to rethink that. Of course, there's (normal) disrespectful backtalk, disrespectful yelling etc., and actual physical violence. I certainly don't know your uncle's situation. I'm thinking of normal teen tantrums.

Saying "get out until you prove you can be respectful" is kinda self-defeating. A kid especially a teen, will dig in and won't apologize, and if no one else budges, then the non-custodial parent is gonna lose the battle and probably the war as well.

If she's a grownup now, then she's made her own choice.

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