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2010-05-28 11:23 AM
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Elite
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Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues
All good advice....
i can't believe a 17 year old guy doesn't know to 'delete files and history' when he is finished.


2010-05-28 11:26 AM
in reply to: #2888176

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Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues
Parental contol programs are not very usefull from what I can tell. Here is the solution: set the computer up for individual users with separate passwords for each user. The. When you log on you can easily view where each person has been. Tell him that is what you are doing and why. Then set the comp to only go online when you can watch him.
2010-05-28 11:29 AM
in reply to: #2888546

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Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues
Pector55 - 2010-05-28 11:35 AM
DerekL - 2010-05-28 10:40 AM Your house, your computer, your rules.

But good luck trying to convince a 17 year old boy to not look at naked women.


No doubt! 
Maybe let him get it out of his system early so he can spend more time focusing on his studies while in college.  Cool


Ive been trying to get it out of my system for 20  years now!
2010-05-28 11:42 AM
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Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues
MNGopher - 2010-05-28 11:57 AM

I maybe out of line here but I do not believe that you can rely on technology to teach your children their moral lessons.   Vis-à-vis, parent control software and teaching children that porn is not moral. (Which not everyone agrees with, but the OP has stated is one of her moral views.)  If you do not want your children to look at porn merely blocking it on the home computer will not stop them, it will only stop them at home.  If you don't want them to do it, you have to discuss it in an age appropriate manner.  But that's just my 2 cents.



What I use not only blocks it, it informs us of each time it is attempted.  That's when you can step in with teaching as a parent.  It's the best of both worlds.

Edited by Pector55 2010-05-28 11:42 AM
2010-05-28 11:46 AM
in reply to: #2888691

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Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues
I won't repeat what others have already said about adult websites.  I have had numerous conversations with my 14 & 16 y.o. sons about this subject and about their responsibility for their actions.

Regarding his response about acting like a "normal" 17 y.o., it gets back his necessity to understand that we all have expected behaviors that we have to live by and that we are all responsible for our actions.  When he becomes self-sufficient, he is welcome to live by his rules, again as long as he is willing to accept the responsibility for his actions.  But while he is under your roof, he is under your rules.  (I know that I said that I wouldn't repeat what others have said but..)
2010-05-28 11:49 AM
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Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues
The most important thing is that he not get anything on your keyboard.


2010-05-28 11:54 AM
in reply to: #2888176

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On your right
Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues
Your internet options should have a parental control feature.  You can always just make changes there that will not allow certain types of sites to be accessed without a password.  As long as you're sure the password is secure, your son won't be able to get to the sites.  But if your husband knows the password...
2010-05-28 12:00 PM
in reply to: #2888176

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Master
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Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues
Actually, I would use the parent control not only for the intentional stuff, but it will also be effective in stopping the unintentional stuff.

I turned my safe search off the other day to check out some websites used by a kid I was assessing...
I forgot to turn it back on... by the 3rd search, I realized my error with my 3-year-old next to me.

They find ways to get it everywhere.
2010-05-28 12:33 PM
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2010-05-28 12:49 PM
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Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues
What I'd be disappointed in is his complete lack of effort to cover his tracks.  It just came up in the browser history!? Kids these days are just lazy.  I remember jumping through all types of technology hoops to ensure I was never caught.

I'd install some type of parental controls, and worst case scenario he breaks through it and has a new and potentially lucrative skill. 
2010-05-28 1:08 PM
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Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues
jmcconne - 2010-05-28 12:49 PM

What I'd be disappointed in is his complete lack of effort to cover his tracks.  It just came up in the browser history!? Kids these days are just lazy.  I remember jumping through all types of technology hoops to ensure I was never caught.

I'd install some type of parental controls, and worst case scenario he breaks through it and has a new and potentially lucrative skill. 


Yeah, things are just way too easy for kids today. When I was 17, I had to not shave for a week to grow enough of a beard to look old enough to avoid getting carded by the clerk at the 7-11 when I snuck in to buy a magazine.

Today, you can get free material off of the internet that will make you go " What the he11, I didn't know people could actually do that," and the scary thing as a parent is that many of these sights are quite easily accessed by accident if you don't have the proper parental controls enabled.


2010-05-28 1:40 PM
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Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues
From what I understand, the OP's issue isn't really that her 17 yo is looking at porn (and what sounds like run of the mill type stuff) --- it's that he's doing it (1) on the family computer (2) that his younger siblings use.
2010-05-28 1:43 PM
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Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues
jmcconne - 2010-05-28 12:49 PM What I'd be disappointed in is his complete lack of effort to cover his tracks.  It just came up in the browser history!? Kids these days are just lazy.  I remember jumping through all types of technology hoops to ensure I was never caught.

I'd install some type of parental controls, and worst case scenario he breaks through it and has a new and potentially lucrative skill. 


See,,,, what we actually do like is that he has no idea he CAN cover his tracks, he's not what you would call computer savvy.  He only went to one site and it is the same site he went to months ago because he heard some kid talking about it at school.  He hasn't even realized he can search for other sites.  He's not one of those kids who has a gaming system and only reluctantly took the required computer class at school.  He can barely make his way around FB.  I am probably the only parent I know that has more computer knowledge than her 17 year old.

We could do some blocking but I don't think that is where we will go right now.  Just like we have alcohol in the house.  He will always be tempted especially when he goes to college.  If this was something he was doing daily we would see it as a problem.  Less than 5 times in a year not so much.  We are at this in between age with the kids where we have 2 teenagers that know better and 3 younger girls that aren't using the computer w/o us right there with them.  When the girls get a bit older we will likely get a blocker so they don't find/see anything on accident.  I will add their aol accounts have parental block but honestly my computer is always logged in to so I make it easy for him.  I want to be able to look at You Tube and Google whatever I want.

I talked with him today and told him it wasn't necessarily the behavior - I wouldn't say pornography is against my moral code per se I just don't want my 17 year old looking at it on the computer in my house. 
I told him it was his disrespectful response to us.  To be honest he has probably talked back to us less than 5 times, it's just not his M.O.  I told him being defensive and storming off isn't going to come in handy in any relationship when confronted whether it's us, a friend, girlfriend or wife.  The behavior will not serve him well.  He said he was embarrassed and caught off guard and that is why he got defensive which I can see but still not ok.

I cannot eliminate all pornography from his life - he is probably the only 17 year old boy I know who has yet to see a rated R movie!  By his age my husband and I were each seaking around, having sex and seen our share of rated R movies and pornography.  Obviously I parent different from my own parents, I am much more involved.

I appreciate the responses, good to know I'm on track.  I didn't need a handbook when they were babies but I sure could use one now.
2010-05-28 2:03 PM
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Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues
KeriKadi - 2010-05-28 2:43 PM
I appreciate the responses, good to know I'm on track.  I didn't need a handbook when they were babies but I sure could use one now.



OMG, you didn't get the handbook?  How did you figure out where to put the batteries? 

You are doing fine mom.  #1.  You care.  #2.  You care.  etc.

Edited by Pector55 2010-05-28 2:03 PM
2010-05-28 2:07 PM
in reply to: #2888176

Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues

Suggest when he's finished he Go to Favorites, select History, select today, delete browsed site.

2010-05-28 2:08 PM
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Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues
Pector55 - 2010-05-28 2:03 PM
KeriKadi - 2010-05-28 2:43 PM
I appreciate the responses, good to know I'm on track.  I didn't need a handbook when they were babies but I sure could use one now.



OMG, you didn't get the handbook?  How did you figure out where to put the batteries? 

You are doing fine mom.  #1.  You care.  #2.  You care.  etc.



Thanks!
When they were babies all I needed were Boo8s and a stack of cloth diapers ---- wait --- maybe not much has changed afterall.  J/K!


2010-05-28 2:16 PM
in reply to: #2888176

Master
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Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues
I am not a big believer in the "get it out of your system" for a 17-year-old boy.
That is liking "inoculating" a meth addict with a few grams.

However, if he is leaving home for college, I do worry about kids that have little to no exposure to what they will face freshman year.

Not that it is your job to corrupt him like his buddies will - one day.

(aside - Ever meet those moms, C_R_E_E_P_Y!
Don't get offended if you let a kid have a beer with you, that is not what I mean...)


I do believe that demystifying females and/or nudity is important.

Otherwise, the only time he will see the female form is in inappropriate or an exploitative manner.
(See "Onslaught" at http://www.dove.us/#/features/videos/videogallery.aspx for a compelling montage of what kids are exposed to ---- Safe for most work.)

Well then, I worry about the first-time he sees it for real and those are his only associations.

Maybe set some ground rules on what you consider age-appropriate and protective of house-norms and the others?

Some ideas -

Artistic nudity? Maybe, based on how you define it, with really specifically defined parameters  - including, but not limited to - what is absolutely forbidden, who is home, etc.

Out of sight, out of mind? - Put a blocker on the really pornographic stuff
(everybody is referring to porn like there is one definition or limit of what is acceptable... use your own definition.),
but allow the "lighter" stuff. Then have the conversation that you understand that he is an almost 18-year-old man, but if you (or anyone else in the house) can see, hear, know about it... well then, the line was crossed.

Finally, the sarcastic nudist in my says, take him to a nude beach or resort... one popular with grandmothers... let him know that every time you catch him, this will be the result. Those associations will solve the computer issue and demystify nudity all-in-one!
2010-05-28 2:20 PM
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Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues
In my opinion... the computer is just the new "playboy/hustler" magazine hidden under the bed.  You know it's there, but you leave it because...c'mon. Hell, when I was 17 I used to try flipping back and forth through the high number channels to try to catch a glimpse on the Nudie channels. Don't get me started about when we got HBO and Cinemax.

I'd be more concerned that my 17yo son didn't know how to "clear" the history on the computer.
2010-05-28 2:32 PM
in reply to: #2889172

Master
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Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues
Leegoocrap - 2010-05-28 12:20 PM In my opinion... the computer is just the new "playboy/hustler" magazine hidden under the bed.  You know it's there, but you leave it because...c'mon. Hell, when I was 17 I used to try flipping back and forth through the high number channels to try to catch a glimpse on the Nudie channels. Don't get me started about when we got HBO and Cinemax.

I'd be more concerned that my 17yo son didn't know how to "clear" the history on the computer.


I was a high-school vice-principal, trust me... Whenever a kid was on an inappropriate site (there are ways around blockers, I won't say how), staff needed to print out a sample and send the kid to me to suspend.
Most of the time, I had to show the parent the sample when they gave the, "I will sue you! You cannot suspend my angel for 5-days for looking at a nude-picture... oh my God, what type of animal is that?!"

Same for emails with images sent as harassment or cyber-bullying...

I would say that, Playboy or Hustler (which are, arguably different in the artistic versus porn scale)-type picture represented LESS THAN 10% of these type of discipline referrals that I saw.

Most of the time I dealth with Playboy-type photo's, it was "Sexting" which is technically child-porn, so that it had a very separate set of procedures. (Confirm inappropriate with as minimal viewing as possible, notify computer tech or other admin, both document as having witnessed as part of duties, refer to law enforcement, hand entire device over to law enforcement ASAP with a paper-receipt.)
2010-05-28 2:39 PM
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Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues
From his discussion with you, it seems that you have a good relationship and are able to communicate with him, which to me, is probably the most important thing.
2010-05-28 2:43 PM
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2010-05-28 2:53 PM
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Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues
eabeam - He has 3 little sisters who were born at home and breastfed for years, he has seen quite a bit of 'not so pretty' nudity.  Honestly, he has seen more breasts used as their intended purpose with me and all my friends than the site he has been to a few times.  I'm not one to walk around naked when the kids are home but he has seen me immediately after birth in the tub and  still pictures of labor and birth in various states of undress and it's not unusual for me to walk the house in underwear - usually on my way to the laundry room.

I totally get what you are saying.  I also don't want him to think a size 0 with DDs is what women look like but in his own words he likes 'fluffy, healthy girls - not stick figures' 

I don't think a nude beach is a bad idea either but those are hard to come by and he certainly wouldn't want to go with ME.  LOL
2010-05-28 2:59 PM
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Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues

KeriKadi - 2010-05-28 2:53 PM eabeam - He has 3 little sisters who were born at home and breastfed for years, he has seen quite a bit of 'not so pretty' nudity.  Honestly, he has seen more breasts used as their intended purpose with me and all my friends than the site he has been to a few times.  I'm not one to walk around naked when the kids are home but he has seen me immediately after birth in the tub and  still pictures of labor and birth in various states of undress and it's not unusual for me to walk the house in underwear - usually on my way to the laundry room.

I totally get what you are saying.  I also don't want him to think a size 0 with DDs is what women look like but in his own words he likes 'fluffy, healthy girls - not stick figures' 

I don't think a nude beach is a bad idea either but those are hard to come by and he certainly wouldn't want to go with ME.  LOL

Keri, you really didn't just type that last sentence did you?  LOL!  You are taking the 100% right steps - your house, your rules...  He doesn't need to learn about that stuff from a website, he needs to find out about the facts of life in the back seat of car or by finding his dad's hidden playboy collection like we did before the internet...

2010-05-28 3:45 PM
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Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues
You did the right thing (as usual).
I can totally see his defensiveness as the result of his being caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

Kids these days have it so easy...back in my day before the internet we had to hide our dirty magazines and watch blurry tv snow to get our fix!...nowadays these kids get to see video at the click of a button! 

It's a wonder we males can make it through high school and college.  It's hard to concentrate when all you can think about is pizza.  I like how you worked as a parental team, but maybe there's a male parental figure that could take him aside to give some extra reassurance?
2010-05-28 3:46 PM
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Subject: RE: What say COJ?.... 17 year old boy issues
KeriKadi - 2010-05-28 1:53 PM

I totally get what you are saying.  I also don't want him to think a size 0 with DDs is what women look like but in his own words he likes 'fluffy, healthy girls - not stick figures' 


Just make sure he never calls a girl he likes "fluffy."  It didn't go well for me, and I doubt it would go well for him.

Also, if he's going to college in a year or two, he should work on that computer savviness a little bit or he might be in for a shock.  It's the 21st century after all.
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