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2010-12-17 6:52 AM

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Subject: Birth Mom gift help
We are planning a Christmas visit with my daughters (age 2) birth mother tomorrow. I am not very creative with gifts. Checking with everybody to see what you think. Have I covered everything? Other suggestions?

Quick background - BMom is 19 and in college. Visit will be at her parents house. We only meet this one time a year but keep in contact on facebook.

Ok - here is what I have so far:
Willow Tree Angel keepsake ornament (have given her one every year)
Box of chocolates for her and one for the family (BMom wanted to keep the box we brought for everyone last year)
Photo album of daughters year
Craft from daughter and son
I was thinking of a gift card out to dinner somewhere since she is a college student and also has a steady boyfriend. That might be a nice treat for them? College students never have any money
Anything else? Should I do something else for her family besides just a box of chocolates?
This always gets a little confusing for me!


2010-12-17 7:00 AM
in reply to: #3251961

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Subject: RE: Birth Mom gift help
trigal38 - 2010-12-17 6:52 AM We are planning a Christmas visit with my daughters (age 2) birth mother tomorrow. I am not very creative with gifts. Checking with everybody to see what you think. Have I covered everything? Other suggestions?

Quick background - BMom is 19 and in college. Visit will be at her parents house. We only meet this one time a year but keep in contact on facebook.

Ok - here is what I have so far:
Willow Tree Angel keepsake ornament (have given her one every year)
Box of chocolates for her and one for the family (BMom wanted to keep the box we brought for everyone last year)
Photo album of daughters year
Craft from daughter and son
I was thinking of a gift card out to dinner somewhere since she is a college student and also has a steady boyfriend. That might be a nice treat for them? College students never have any money
Anything else? Should I do something else for her family besides just a box of chocolates?
This always gets a little confusing for me!


My 2 cents is to go with the gift card
2010-12-17 8:35 AM
in reply to: #3251969

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Subject: RE: Birth Mom gift help
jsoza - 2010-12-17 6:00 AM
trigal38 - 2010-12-17 6:52 AM We are planning a Christmas visit with my daughters (age 2) birth mother tomorrow. I am not very creative with gifts. Checking with everybody to see what you think. Have I covered everything? Other suggestions?

Quick background - BMom is 19 and in college. Visit will be at her parents house. We only meet this one time a year but keep in contact on facebook.

Ok - here is what I have so far:
Willow Tree Angel keepsake ornament (have given her one every year)
Box of chocolates for her and one for the family (BMom wanted to keep the box we brought for everyone last year)
Photo album of daughters year
Craft from daughter and son
I was thinking of a gift card out to dinner somewhere since she is a college student and also has a steady boyfriend. That might be a nice treat for them? College students never have any money
Anything else? Should I do something else for her family besides just a box of chocolates?
This always gets a little confusing for me!


My 2 cents is to go with the gift card


I don't think it's a pick from list, I think Trigal is planning all of the above, right?  If so, I think you're done more than enough.  Thoughtful in what you're giving her both to connect her to your daughter but also something for her to enjoy as a person.  As for the family, I don't think you need to do anything more than the chocolates. 
2010-12-17 8:55 AM
in reply to: #3251961

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Subject: RE: Birth Mom gift help
Yes, all of those was the idea.
I always get a little frantic at the last minute!
2010-12-17 9:26 AM
in reply to: #3251961

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Subject: RE: Birth Mom gift help
Some personal memento of the child for her parents. They are the grandparents; how often do they get to see their grandchild(ren)?

For some reason this is really speaking to me. My children are both a bit older and neither has children of their own yet, but I began to wonder what it would be like for me if my daughter was a teenage mother and her child, my grandchild, had been adopted.
2010-12-17 12:02 PM
in reply to: #3252176

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Subject: RE: Birth Mom gift help
mrbbrad - 2010-12-17 10:26 AM Some personal memento of the child for her parents. They are the grandparents; how often do they get to see their grandchild(ren)?

For some reason this is really speaking to me. My children are both a bit older and neither has children of their own yet, but I began to wonder what it would be like for me if my daughter was a teenage mother and her child, my grandchild, had been adopted.


A bit off topic, but as an adoptive father, this drives me nuts.  They are not her grandparents, nor is the girl their grandchild.   They are the birth mother's parents. The childs grandparents are trigals parents. These words mean something very specific and very powerful.  Her family is the one which adopted her, not the one which gave her up.

I just went through this with a healthcare provider. "What about her father?".  "I'm her father." "No I mean her real.." "I'M her REAL father. Do you mean to refer to her biological father?"

Sorry for the rant, but it's important to me that there's no confusion in my daughter's mind who her family is and isn't. We're raising her to be fully aware of her heritage and how our family came to be, but while she's young we will be the ones who define these relationships. She'll be able to do it for herself when she's older.


2010-12-17 1:08 PM
in reply to: #3252176

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Subject: RE: Birth Mom gift help
mrbbrad - 2010-12-17 9:26 AM Some personal memento of the child for her parents. They are the grandparents; how often do they get to see their grandchild(ren)?

For some reason this is really speaking to me. My children are both a bit older and neither has children of their own yet, but I began to wonder what it would be like for me if my daughter was a teenage mother and her child, my grandchild, had been adopted.


Even worse, my son has an entire family that does not know he exists. His birth mother was away at college, never told her family she was even pregnant (as far as I was told anyway). She delivered him at home and took him to the adoption agency in the morning.

Yes, we can make them something too. Not a problem at all. So far we have only gotten together at Christmas and for birth mom's high school graduation. We would be willing for more visits but that is what the birth family is comfortable with so we don't force the issue too much.
2010-12-17 1:21 PM
in reply to: #3251961

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Subject: RE: Birth Mom gift help

I obviously don't know the situation or the dynamics, but I tend to think Marma has a point about family contact.

My wife is an adoptee as far as fathers go (her mom left her biological dad when she was a baby). She didn't see her biological dad until she was older and able to make the choice to see him or not. Now there is no contact with the biological dad at all based on her choice (he is a creep). 

I guess my point would be that I wouldn't worry to much about the biological family at this point. If your daughter wants to know about them and build a relationship with them once she is capable of making that choice then you should facilitate that, but I wouldn't worry too much about fostering the relationship at this point.

But that is all just opinion based on no facts or knowledge of your situation, so I'd say your gift list is fine and you don't need to add anything, in my opinion you have already gone above and beyond.

2010-12-17 1:27 PM
in reply to: #3252586

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Subject: RE: Birth Mom gift help
Aarondb4 - 2010-12-17 2:21 PM


But that is all just opinion based on no facts or knowledge of your situation, so I'd say your gift list is fine and you don't need to add anything, in my opinion you have already gone above and beyond.



I agree with this point.  I don't even buy so much (and so considerately) for those I love the most.  The visit with your daughter is the real gift.
2010-12-17 1:28 PM
in reply to: #3252478

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Subject: RE: Birth Mom gift help
marmadaddy - 2010-12-17 12:02 PM
mrbbrad - 2010-12-17 10:26 AM Some personal memento of the child for her parents. They are the grandparents; how often do they get to see their grandchild(ren)?

For some reason this is really speaking to me. My children are both a bit older and neither has children of their own yet, but I began to wonder what it would be like for me if my daughter was a teenage mother and her child, my grandchild, had been adopted.


A bit off topic, but as an adoptive father, this drives me nuts.  They are not her grandparents, nor is the girl their grandchild.   They are the birth mother's parents. The childs grandparents are trigals parents. These words mean something very specific and very powerful.  Her family is the one which adopted her, not the one which gave her up.

I just went through this with a healthcare provider. "What about her father?".  "I'm her father." "No I mean her real.." "I'M her REAL father. Do you mean to refer to her biological father?"

Sorry for the rant, but it's important to me that there's no confusion in my daughter's mind who her family is and isn't. We're raising her to be fully aware of her heritage and how our family came to be, but while she's young we will be the ones who define these relationships. She'll be able to do it for herself when she's older.


I can see where you are coming from. People tell me all the time about my kids "they look like REAL brother and sister". I just roll my eyes and say they ARE real brother and sister. The fact that they are adopted does not come up so much now that they are older so we don't hear these comments very often anymore.
2010-12-17 2:21 PM
in reply to: #3252478

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Subject: RE: Birth Mom gift help
Mike - My stepfather (my Dad in my opinion) legally adopted me when I was 6. Today he took me to lunch for going to sign on to their safe deposit box and gave me a gift when I left. It is a beautiful heart shaped necklace with a rose on the front and a tiny diamond in the center. My mom (birth mother) tells me to look at the back. It is engraved. My little girl yesterday, my friend today, my daughter forever. Made me cry. You remind me of my dad, and he has been and will always be my "dad". the other guy, he's the biological donor. You keep right on doing what you're doing (both here and with her).


2010-12-17 5:21 PM
in reply to: #3252690

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Subject: RE: Birth Mom gift help
wwlani - 2010-12-17 1:21 PM Mike - My stepfather (my Dad in my opinion) legally adopted me when I was 6. Today he took me to lunch for going to sign on to their safe deposit box and gave me a gift when I left. It is a beautiful heart shaped necklace with a rose on the front and a tiny diamond in the center. My mom (birth mother) tells me to look at the back. It is engraved. My little girl yesterday, my friend today, my daughter forever. Made me cry. You remind me of my dad, and he has been and will always be my "dad". the other guy, he's the biological donor. You keep right on doing what you're doing (both here and with her).


Oh, boy, you just made me cry like a baby.  My mother's dad is actually her stepfather but adopted her when she was 4.  When they walked out of the courthouse that day in 1956 my mom told everyone they saw that she was going to have lunch with her new daddy.  My grandpa was never anything but a daddy and a grandpa to my mom and I.  We buried him 11 years ago today.  I miss him so much. 
2010-12-19 8:52 PM
in reply to: #3251961

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Subject: RE: Birth Mom gift help

I think you are being more than generous.  Family is not defined by biology.  The birth family made their choice when they gave YOUR daughter up for adoption.  I know you are grateful for their gift but you do not owe them anything.

2010-12-20 6:10 AM
in reply to: #3254331

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Subject: RE: Birth Mom gift help
Socks - 2010-12-19 9:52 PM

I think you are being more than generous.  Family is not defined by biology.  The birth family made their choice when they gave YOUR daughter up for adoption.  I know you are grateful for their gift but you do not owe them anything.



I agree with this. If the birth family wanted to spend Christmas with the baby, they wouldn't have put her up for adoption. The child is yours. You are under no obligation to get them Christmas gifts, or even spend time with them.

I know my opinion doesn't count, but in my mind this could almost see this being damaging to your daughter. How do you introduce these people? Do you tell her that this woman is her birth mother? Do you call the birth mother's parents her grandparents? Send them a Christmas card and move on with your life. She is YOUR daughter and part of YOUR family. All she needs to know is that she's loved.
2010-12-20 8:06 AM
in reply to: #3254469

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Subject: RE: Birth Mom gift help
ironannekidd - 2010-12-20 6:10 AM
Socks - 2010-12-19 9:52 PM

I think you are being more than generous.  Family is not defined by biology.  The birth family made their choice when they gave YOUR daughter up for adoption.  I know you are grateful for their gift but you do not owe them anything.



I agree with this. If the birth family wanted to spend Christmas with the baby, they wouldn't have put her up for adoption. The child is yours. You are under no obligation to get them Christmas gifts, or even spend time with them.

I know my opinion doesn't count, but in my mind this could almost see this being damaging to your daughter. How do you introduce these people? Do you tell her that this woman is her birth mother? Do you call the birth mother's parents her grandparents? Send them a Christmas card and move on with your life. She is YOUR daughter and part of YOUR family. All she needs to know is that she's loved.


Keeping the adoption open was something we (birth family and ourselves) agreed to try before my daughter was even born. I really do not feel obligated to do anything with the Christmas gifts. I'm just trying to be thoughtful. We refer to her birth mother as her "Tummy Momma" and call her birth grandparents by their first names. Remember, my daughter is only 2 so she does not really understand any of this at this point. If there comes a time in my daughters life that she does not want to visit anymore we'll stop. Our thinking (and I have been known to be wrong) is that adopting the baby but rejecting the family she comes from sends a negative message about her roots. Or the flip side, that the birth family rejected her because they did not love her, did not want her etc. Hopefully, by nurturing this relationship my daughter will grow up knowing that every party involved loves her so much that we all worked together to find the best home for her to grow up. Time will tell how all of this will play out I guess. I'm just the facilitator of it all, but I do have the best interest of my daughter at heart. 

Hard to explain all the motives involved on an internet forum!




2010-12-20 9:02 AM
in reply to: #3254571

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Subject: RE: Birth Mom gift help
trigal38 - 2010-12-20 9:06 AM
ironannekidd - 2010-12-20 6:10 AM
Socks - 2010-12-19 9:52 PM

I think you are being more than generous.  Family is not defined by biology.  The birth family made their choice when they gave YOUR daughter up for adoption.  I know you are grateful for their gift but you do not owe them anything.



I agree with this. If the birth family wanted to spend Christmas with the baby, they wouldn't have put her up for adoption. The child is yours. You are under no obligation to get them Christmas gifts, or even spend time with them.

I know my opinion doesn't count, but in my mind this could almost see this being damaging to your daughter. How do you introduce these people? Do you tell her that this woman is her birth mother? Do you call the birth mother's parents her grandparents? Send them a Christmas card and move on with your life. She is YOUR daughter and part of YOUR family. All she needs to know is that she's loved.


Keeping the adoption open was something we (birth family and ourselves) agreed to try before my daughter was even born. I really do not feel obligated to do anything with the Christmas gifts. I'm just trying to be thoughtful. We refer to her birth mother as her "Tummy Momma" and call her birth grandparents by their first names. Remember, my daughter is only 2 so she does not really understand any of this at this point. If there comes a time in my daughters life that she does not want to visit anymore we'll stop. Our thinking (and I have been known to be wrong) is that adopting the baby but rejecting the family she comes from sends a negative message about her roots. Or the flip side, that the birth family rejected her because they did not love her, did not want her etc. Hopefully, by nurturing this relationship my daughter will grow up knowing that every party involved loves her so much that we all worked together to find the best home for her to grow up. Time will tell how all of this will play out I guess. I'm just the facilitator of it all, but I do have the best interest of my daughter at heart. 

Hard to explain all the motives involved on an internet forum!






I think you've done a great job explaining your motives. (Not that you owe any of us an explanation)


2010-12-20 11:55 AM
in reply to: #3251961

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Subject: RE: Birth Mom gift help
As a birth mom, you have NOTHING to explain about choosing an open adoption. There is no right or wrong.

I gave up my daughter and had no contact. The agreement was when she graduated high school she would be given my contact info.

It is incredibly difficult to spend all those years wondering if your baby is okay, healthy, love or even still alive.

Thankfully she was never lied to, she always knew she had a birth mom.

And when she was 18 I was able to reassure her that I loved her more than anything....then over heard her tell her friend in the back ground during a phone conversation:

"yeah....well my birthmom is an Ironman!"

Thank YOU for being allowing this for your daughter.

And the best gift are photos. Hands down.

Edited by LittleCat 2010-12-20 11:59 AM
2010-12-20 12:34 PM
in reply to: #3252571

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Subject: RE: Birth Mom gift help
trigal38 - 2010-12-17 1:08 PM

mrbbrad - 2010-12-17 9:26 AM Some personal memento of the child for her parents. They are the grandparents; how often do they get to see their grandchild(ren)?

For some reason this is really speaking to me. My children are both a bit older and neither has children of their own yet, but I began to wonder what it would be like for me if my daughter was a teenage mother and her child, my grandchild, had been adopted.


Even worse, my son has an entire family that does not know he exists. His birth mother was away at college, never told her family she was even pregnant (as far as I was told anyway). She delivered him at home and took him to the adoption agency in the morning.

Yes, we can make them something too. Not a problem at all. So far we have only gotten together at Christmas and for birth mom's high school graduation. We would be willing for more visits but that is what the birth family is comfortable with so we don't force the issue too much.


Well, with that said, I would wonder if you really need to be giving a lot of pictures and what not to her as "memories".

I even wonder why you are even giving her a present at all. While she gave you the gift of your son, I really don't see the need for giving her anything other than a small trinket ... that you might give someone else who is on the outskirts of your life.

Box of chocolates. Sounds good enough.

2010-12-21 8:33 AM
in reply to: #3251961

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Subject: RE: Birth Mom gift help

I'm an adoptive Mom as well and struggled a bit with this when my two boys were little - they have the same birthmother and birthfather and my older son was 2 1/2 at the time of the adoption, so he knew his birthmother his whole life.  (birthfather - not so much)

Early on, I would send her gifts and they included a locket with pictures of the boys, I sent her copies of the bedtime stories we read, artwork that they made, etc.  I just sent pictures to the birth grandparents - nothing else.

As they got older (now 12 and 14) I just send a Christmas card with pictures of the kids.  I also found that my older son had a very difficult time with visits and contact as he got older.  We now limit this for his benefit.

It sounds to me like you are being incredibly thoughtful of your son and also his birthfamily.  You're his Mom and know what's best for him and that will probably evolve over time.

 

 

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