Funny things you say to kids

At Target, kids high on sugar and freaking out......I say "if you two don't shape up I am taking you to that Chinese orphanage!"  This is a joke I tell them all the time...so my three year old starts crying and at the top of his lungs says "Noooo, mommy...don't take me to the orphanage!"  I get the scowl of every grandma in the place.

"When a child asks you why it's raining, I like to say "It's because God's crying". If they ask "Why is God is crying?", I like to say "Because of something you did"

-- Jack Handy.

Ouch.  Your kids are going to end up on some psychiatrists couch!

Not the WORST thing I ever said to my kids but easily the stupidest and a running joke to this day:

"SHUT UP WHEN YOU'RE TALKING TO ME!!!!!!!!!!"

Well, I don't think I would ever actually say that to my kids ... but I am a big fan of "Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy", so I couldn't resist the opp to quote it.

My parents had some pretty mind-bending things to say to us kids when we were young whenever we did something wrong or were too noisy:

1.  "You are the worst kid in the world!"  ... wow, they took a world-wide poll and we we came in dead last!?!

2. "Keep it up and we will send you off to reform school!"  ... geez, all I did was talk too loud and you want to send me off with arsonists, robbers, rapists and murderers!?

3. "If you don't go to sleep, the monster under your bed will eat you!"  Crap, are these guys nuts, keeping a dangerous monster under my bed!?! 

and my favourite ...

4. When we did something wrong, my mom would say "Come here" and we would say "no, you're going to hit me."  She would reply, "No, I won't hit you, just come here."  But, as soon as we would go to her she would slap us in the back of the head ... hard!

"daddy, I'm scared of monsters, will you lay in here with me?"

"I'm not staying in here with all those monsters, now go to bed."

my mom used to tell us constantly, "clean your plate, don't you know there are people starving in China," to which I'd reply, "you can send them my green peas."

Also, to go with CindyK's, mom used to say, "shut your mouth and eat," whereas I'd say, "how's the food going to get in if my mouth is shut."

When my son is eing whiney and I am trying to find out what he wants to eat.

(Me) do you want a hamburger (him) no
(me) how about a hotdog (him) no
(me) what about pizza (him) no

(me) what about a smack up side your head...

Duh!  The peas go up your nose!   

EGAD, I've got one of those at home.  Always an answer...

Bear, I tell myself this will serve him well in adulthood?  I hope it does b/c I haven't figured out how to corral it...

 These were some token conversations that happened at our house.  Oh, and my parents often changed owner ship of me based on my behavior/accomplishments. "She's your daughter." "That's my kid!"

1.Me "Dad, I"m hungry but there's nothing to eat in the house."

Dad "You're not hungry then. Stop complaining."

2.Me "Dad, I can't sleep."

Dad "Then you didn't work hard enough during the day.  Go clean the garage and we'll see how sleepy you get."

3.Me "Dad, I'm bored."

Dad "Mow the lawn then.  If you don't, you'll know what bored is when you're in a body cast eating threw a straw."

4.Me "I'm full, Dad."

Dad "Clean your plate.  You put it on your plate, you eat it."

Me "No Dad, you did."

Dad "I don't care, eat it. How are you going to grow up big and strong like me if you don't eat like me?"

Me "But Dad, you're fat."

Dad "Go clean the garage."

5. "Life is not fair.  Live off of rice and contaminated water until you're so weak you can't brush the bugs off your face, and then tell me how fair it is."

tough love, but my dad's a great guy, and i'm sure to use some of these, except maybe the body cast thing....that one was rough.

My mom used to say, "I'm the meanest mommy in the whole world, deal with it"

When I played little league baseball, when my best friend hit a homerun, his dad would yell, "that's pretty good for a bedwetter" 

Yeah, he wasn't the nicest dude ever, but everyone on our team got a kick out of it, besides my buddy.

I will use both of these - I can't wait.

Dad (me):  When you gonna start smoking and get a tattoo?

Kid: Never!

Dad: Why?

Kid: If you think it's cool, it must not be.

Dad: (Thinking to himself )

Some other great one liners from my father.

The day he dropped me off at college I was standing on the porch of my new house.  My mother and father were headed down the walk-way, and my father stops and walks back up to me.  I didn't really know what to expect, I thought perhaps he had forgotten something. 

He looked me square in the eyes and said, "Remember kid, you can't row if you're pregnant!"

I was going to school for a rowing scholarship.  That was the one and only "birds and bees" talk I received from my father.

 This episode was trumped a few years later when I was busted (by my father) making out with my boyfriend on the couch while I was back visiting from school.

The next evening after said bust, the family is eating dinner and my father asks me what my after-dinner plans were.  I replied, "oh, just going out with friends or something."

he responds, "Don't do anything stupid."

me "Dad, come on, I'm intelligent.  I never do anything stupid."

Dad "That's not what it looked like last night."  This was said infront of Mother, brother, boyfriend, and friend.