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2013-01-02 2:49 PM

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Master
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Subject: Anyone get depressed around the holidays?

Sometimes for me, the holidays can be a little depressing for a strictly selfish reason...

I do a lot of (most of) the work for my family.  I work very hard to make the holidays special, get nice presents for my wife and kids, I plan events and stuff.  I spend of lot of time to make the end of December fun for everyone else.  But that joy of opening a present and getting something really awesome and cool - I never get that.  Nothing fun, or at least, my flavor of fun, comes my way.  It must just be that way now that I'm a parent in my 40's.

Granted, You can't shop for me.  I don't want anything small that you can give.  I go months on end with my personal credit card statement being nothing but gas, groceries, and restaurants.  The things I do want are BIG.  A new car.  A deckboat.  A Caribbean SCUBA vacation.  Big-ticket stuff.  I never treat myself to anything.  My wife knows me and got me the Blueray 'Ted'.  Something I really did want.  But that was no surprise (she had to tell me not to buy it myself the day it came out).  She struggles to find anything else to get me.  The family?  My kids make me home-made stuff which is what I ask of them and I cherish... but it's kind of not the same.  The rest of the family?  The same ugly button-down dress shirts as usual.  Sometimes in sizes like Medium.  Seriously?!  I haven't fit into a Medium since I was in 8th grade!

I know, I know.  The happiness, love, and togetherness is what it's all about.  The satisfaction from hearing the kids scream with joy should be enough.  And it's a lot.  But sometimes, the little kid in me kind of wants more.

My birthday was on Monday and I bought myself (and the family) a new 60" plasma HDTV.  You would think that would be a thrill, but it wasn't because it wasn't a "want", it was a "need".  I woke up to the kids asking me what was wrong with our 11-yr-old 50" projection TV?  The red bulb blew and was warped.  They cost about $300 each and who's to say how long the other two would last?  It's just easier to admit it and buy a new set.  That took a whole lot of the fun out of it.

Anyone else do a lot for others during the holidays and feel a bit selfishly short-changed as well?

 



2013-01-02 2:53 PM
in reply to: #4558390

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Subject: RE: Anyone get depressed around the holidays?

you and i have very different definitions of depressed.  we also have very different definitions of need...

if nobody can buy you anything that would make you happy, what do you expect them to do?



Edited by mehaner 2013-01-02 2:54 PM
2013-01-02 2:58 PM
in reply to: #4558402

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Subject: RE: Anyone get depressed around the holidays?
mehaner - 2013-01-02 3:53 PM

if nobody can buy you anything that would make you happy, what do you expect them to do?

I'm really bad to shop for.  Here's what I do.  I email my wife a list of the exact things I would like for Christmas.  This year it was a running hat, socks, reflective vest and few other similar things (with all the details).  She then gets a few for the kids to give me (they also give handmade stuff), tells her mom and my mom.  I then get exactly what I want for Christmas, and actually keep and use the stuff.  Works out great for everyone.  If my wife got me a big ticket present, I would probably stroke out for a variety of reasons.

 

 

 

 



Edited by Goosedog 2013-01-02 2:59 PM
2013-01-02 3:01 PM
in reply to: #4558402

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Master
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Subject: RE: Anyone get depressed around the holidays?
mehaner - 2013-01-02 3:53 PM

you and i have very different definitions of depressed.  we also have very different definitions of need...

if nobody can buy you anything that would make you happy, what do you expect them to do?

So I shouldn't have used the word "depressed".  My wife would but upset for me for that choice as well.  "Spoiled/selfishly/bummed" would be better.  I know what "depressed" ACTUALLY means.

I don't expect anyone to do anything different.  It's just me and how I sometimes feel.  That's all.  Total first-world problem.  And forgive my arrogance around the plasma.  I know it's not food or shoes.

 

2013-01-02 3:08 PM
in reply to: #4558414

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Subject: RE: Anyone get depressed around the holidays?
Goosedog - 2013-01-02 3:58 PM

I email my wife a list of the exact things I would like for Christmas.

For 2 years I did that with my wife and she told her and my family what I wanted.  And in both years, I got NOTHING on the list!  Her father just goes into the mall, goes into a store and decides to buy the same shirt/sweater for both of his son-in-laws.  Funny when my brother-in-law in SAN DIEGO called me up and asked, "just what the f*** am I supposed to do with a sweater?!"

I tried asking for a Go Hero Pro helmet-cam...  Got a copy of Heroes season 2 on DVD.  "You said something Hero".

Ha ha!  Oh well.  It is what it is.  I'm not really complaining...  Just a little whiny b!tching.

 

2013-01-02 3:11 PM
in reply to: #4558414

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Subject: RE: Anyone get depressed around the holidays?

I can empathize with what you're saying.   I am difficult to buy for, and thus am unsatisfied at Christmas time, more because I buy myself fun stuff all the time. I will happily blow money on clothes, books, "fun things."

Maybe you need to give yourself permission to want some more inexpensive things   Are there things you deny yourself because you don't really "need" them, but would enjoy? For instance, I asked my husband for Keurig coffee machine for my birthday.  I don't need a coffee machine (have two regular machines at home) and there's a Keurig at work, but if I had a Keurig at home my coffee experience would be greatly improved.  easier, better coffee, etc.  And since I usually drink my coffee on my commute, the one at work is hard to wait for.  My point is that I do find a bit of satisfaction in asking for, and receiving, some frivolous things.

Another idea might be to talk with your wife!  Say "I am left feeling kind of down after the holiday activities because all I really want is too expensive to ask for.  Any ideas?"  Maybe she has an idea, like she could give you a homemade gift certificate for "time and money to plan a scuba vacation."  Do you share finances?  If so, this actually makes it easier.    My husband and I do not share finances, so I have actually in the past asked for money.  I went on a vacation over my birthday one year and asked him for the money to treat myself and my girl friend to dinner, just like he would do if he were there.  That was actually fun!

And, I know it's annoying to only get advice so I will also just say:  I hear ya buddy, sometimes things get you down. It sounds like you have everything you need in life and hopefully when the holiday hangover wears off you'll be happy.



2013-01-02 3:13 PM
in reply to: #4558428

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Subject: RE: Anyone get depressed around the holidays?
Bigfuzzydoug - 2013-01-02 3:01 PM
mehaner - 2013-01-02 3:53 PM

you and i have very different definitions of depressed.  we also have very different definitions of need...

if nobody can buy you anything that would make you happy, what do you expect them to do?

So I shouldn't have used the word "depressed".  My wife would but upset for me for that choice as well.  "Spoiled/selfishly/bummed" would be better.  I know what "depressed" ACTUALLY means.

I don't expect anyone to do anything different.  It's just me and how I sometimes feel.  That's all.  Total first-world problem.  And forgive my arrogance around the plasma.  I know it's not food or shoes.

 

Yikes, that's kind of hopeless.  Oh well, better to laugh it off and swing by Goodwill for a dropoff on the way home.

2013-01-02 3:16 PM
in reply to: #4558443

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Subject: RE: Anyone get depressed around the holidays?
Bigfuzzydoug - 2013-01-02 3:08 PM 

I tried asking for a Go Hero Pro helmet-cam...  Got a copy of Heroes season 2 on DVD.  "You said something Hero".

 

Hahahaaa now that's funny!

The whole gift-giving thing is frustrating to me overall. I got my nephews EXACTLY what they asked for, even asking twice for pre-approval from their parents, but it's going to be sold in eBay this week. (too violent of video game when they actually saw the images)... sigh. 
  

2013-01-02 3:17 PM
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Subject: RE: Anyone get depressed around the holidays?
lisac957 - 2013-01-02 4:16 PM
Bigfuzzydoug - 2013-01-02 3:08 PM 

I tried asking for a Go Hero Pro helmet-cam...  Got a copy of Heroes season 2 on DVD.  "You said something Hero".

 

Hahahaaa now that's funny!

The whole gift-giving thing is frustrating to me overall. I got my nephews EXACTLY what they asked for, even asking twice for pre-approval from their parents, but it's going to be sold in eBay this week. (too violent of video game when they actually saw the images)... sigh. 
  

SERIOUSLY? 

2013-01-02 3:20 PM
in reply to: #4558390

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Subject: RE: Anyone get depressed around the holidays?

Do you have any idea how ridiculous you sound? You're sulking because you do nice things for your family and can't be satisfied with their efforts for you? You are snubbing the homemade presents your kids made you? What do you expect them to do, use their kiddie credit cards to buy you a new boat? Is that what will stop you from being a victim of depression?

Why don't you focus on being less selfish, less expecting of finding fufillment in material (ESPECIALLY if people "can't shop for you") and quit feeling sorry for yourself? You sound insufferable.

2013-01-02 3:27 PM
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2013-01-02 3:28 PM
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2013-01-02 3:31 PM
in reply to: #4558390

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Subject: RE: Anyone get depressed around the holidays?
Bigfuzzydoug - 2013-01-02 2:49 PM

Sometimes for me, the holidays can be a little depressing for a strictly selfish reason...

I do a lot of (most of) the work for my family.  I work very hard to make the holidays special, get nice presents for my wife and kids, I plan events and stuff.  I spend of lot of time to make the end of December fun for everyone else.  But that joy of opening a present and getting something really awesome and cool - I never get that.  Nothing fun, or at least, my flavor of fun, comes my way.  It must just be that way now that I'm a parent in my 40's.

Granted, You can't shop for me.  I don't want anything small that you can give.  I go months on end with my personal credit card statement being nothing but gas, groceries, and restaurants.  The things I do want are BIG.  A new car.  A deckboat.  A Caribbean SCUBA vacation.  Big-ticket stuff.  I never treat myself to anything.  My wife knows me and got me the Blueray 'Ted'.  Something I really did want.  But that was no surprise (she had to tell me not to buy it myself the day it came out).  She struggles to find anything else to get me.  The family?  My kids make me home-made stuff which is what I ask of them and I cherish... but it's kind of not the same.  The rest of the family?  The same ugly button-down dress shirts as usual.  Sometimes in sizes like Medium.  Seriously?!  I haven't fit into a Medium since I was in 8th grade!

I know, I know.  The happiness, love, and togetherness is what it's all about.  The satisfaction from hearing the kids scream with joy should be enough.  And it's a lot.  But sometimes, the little kid in me kind of wants more.

My birthday was on Monday and I bought myself (and the family) a new 60" plasma HDTV.  You would think that would be a thrill, but it wasn't because it wasn't a "want", it was a "need".  I woke up to the kids asking me what was wrong with our 11-yr-old 50" projection TV?  The red bulb blew and was warped.  They cost about $300 each and who's to say how long the other two would last?  It's just easier to admit it and buy a new set.  That took a whole lot of the fun out of it.

Anyone else do a lot for others during the holidays and feel a bit selfishly short-changed as well?

 

What would BFD Dad think of this post?

2013-01-02 3:33 PM
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Subject: RE: Anyone get depressed around the holidays?
Bigfuzzydoug - 2013-01-02 3:49 PM

Sometimes for me, the holidays can be a little depressing for a strictly selfish reason...

I do a lot of (most of) the work for my family.  I work very hard to make the holidays special, get nice presents for my wife and kids, I plan events and stuff.  I spend of lot of time to make the end of December fun for everyone else.  But that joy of opening a present and getting something really awesome and cool - I never get that.  Nothing fun, or at least, my flavor of fun, comes my way.  It must just be that way now that I'm a parent in my 40's.

Granted, You can't shop for me.  I don't want anything small that you can give.  I go months on end with my personal credit card statement being nothing but gas, groceries, and restaurants.  The things I do want are BIG.  A new car.  A deckboat.  A Caribbean SCUBA vacation.  Big-ticket stuff.  I never treat myself to anything.  My wife knows me and got me the Blueray 'Ted'.  Something I really did want.  But that was no surprise (she had to tell me not to buy it myself the day it came out).  She struggles to find anything else to get me.  The family?  My kids make me home-made stuff which is what I ask of them and I cherish... but it's kind of not the same.  The rest of the family?  The same ugly button-down dress shirts as usual.  Sometimes in sizes like Medium.  Seriously?!  I haven't fit into a Medium since I was in 8th grade!

I know, I know.  The happiness, love, and togetherness is what it's all about.  The satisfaction from hearing the kids scream with joy should be enough.  And it's a lot.  But sometimes, the little kid in me kind of wants more.

My birthday was on Monday and I bought myself (and the family) a new 60" plasma HDTV.  You would think that would be a thrill, but it wasn't because it wasn't a "want", it was a "need".  I woke up to the kids asking me what was wrong with our 11-yr-old 50" projection TV?  The red bulb blew and was warped.  They cost about $300 each and who's to say how long the other two would last?  It's just easier to admit it and buy a new set.  That took a whole lot of the fun out of it.

Anyone else do a lot for others during the holidays and feel a bit selfishly short-changed as well?

Wow. I just don't know what to say here. 

I have a roof, albeit a kinda crappy one, over my head. We have a 5 year old, reliable car. My husband is still alive (he has brain cancer). We collect retirement & social security (he isn't able to work and won't see retirement). 

We didn't get or give gifts to each other or our families. We spent time with my mom & brother, and surprised his parents. We appreciate each day, not the stuff we have, or do not have. 

All those things you mention sound really nice, but it just doesn't compute to me.

It sounds like you have everything you "NEED" and should be thankful your kids made you something since there is obviously nothing they can buy you.

Maybe go outside and play with them? Take them for a hike. Seems like you have some bigger unhappiness issues rather than what you did, or didn't get for Christmas.
 
I could be way wrong here and you're just having a bad day, but...just...wow.

Also, maybe you could think about NOT doing big gifts. They seem to be standard around your house. Maybe go back to what life, and giving, is really about. 

2013-01-02 3:34 PM
in reply to: #4558390

Master
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Subject: RE: Anyone get depressed around the holidays?

I don't do any decorating and very little shopping.  My wife does that part because, well, she likes it.  I pick up some stuff that I want my kids to have and it usually comes from Santa so my wife kind of gets the credit for the gifts from "us" because everyone knows who does the shopping, and Santa gets the rest of the glory, so sorry, but I can't relate on that part.  However, I DO, I HONESTLY  DO enjoy watching my kids go bonkers on Christmas morning.  We started at 6 am and this xmas I didn't open a present until 9:30-ish because I was too busy watching and helping them.  I wish I still got that excited about presents.

Where I can 100% relate is that I am notoriously difficult to buy for.  I take it back too.  I'm not shy about it.  It's not that I'm not grateful. I do the exact same thing that goose does.  It's a list with links to Amazon and sizes and colors and prices and expected sales dates etc.....  I mean it's WAY overkill.  But if it isn't on the list, there is a 95% chance of it getting taken back.  there is something on the list for everyone though.  I will purposely not buy things through out the year and add them to the list so that when xmas comes there is a variety of things that aren't "too big".  Socks, razors, undershirts, team shirts, hiking pants, puzzles, books (I've been waiting on a greek mythology book for 5 YEARS til I got it this year), movies, etc..............  And I commit to and wait it out and if I don't get it, it stays on my list til the next year.  When everything I wanted cost $500 +, I realized I had created a problem for others because it's fun to give (as stated above), so I adopted this method and it seems to work pretty well.

I don't need/want much, and because of that, I have everything I need/want.  So what do you usually buy the person who has everything???????  CR@P, that's what.  So this has been the best way I've found to avoid a massive accumulation of CR@P.

2013-01-02 3:36 PM
in reply to: #4558486

Master
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Subject: RE: Anyone get depressed around the holidays?
freckle face - 2013-01-02 4:20 PM

Do you have any idea how ridiculous you sound? You're sulking because you do nice things for your family and can't be satisfied with their efforts for you? You are snubbing the homemade presents your kids made you? What do you expect them to do, use their kiddie credit cards to buy you a new boat? Is that what will stop you from being a victim of depression?

Why don't you focus on being less selfish, less expecting of finding fufillment in material (ESPECIALLY if people "can't shop for you") and quit feeling sorry for yourself? You sound insufferable.

Yup.  I sure know exactly how ridiculous this all sounds.  I admit it.  I'm not snubbing the gifts I get from my kids, they're only 11 and 8.  And I'm not depressed.

Maybe it's simply the fact that I'm at a stage in my life where I work lots of hours to support my family, do lots of chores that need to get done, take my kids to the things they want to do...  My life now is mostly a life of service to others.  I simply sacrificed my own personal time to try and get it all done.  Very common with people in my position.  I do it willingly and making a resolution or just saying, "I'm going to give myself more time during the day for me", even when it comes to training is easier said than done.  And that service work just continues to carry on through the holidays.  That's all.  I made this bed and I'll sleep in it.

It's been a rough past 2 years for me healthwise and jobwise.  Just wanting to something "fun" to come along and it's tough.  "Just being alive" is kind of wearing off now.  I guess you're allowed your smack-down on me.  I suppose I am being insufferable.

 



2013-01-02 3:40 PM
in reply to: #4558526

Master
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Subject: RE: Anyone get depressed around the holidays?
crowny2 - 2013-01-02 4:31 PM

What would BFD Dad think of this post?

Oh CRAP!  Now THERE'S something for me to think about!  8 words kind of just flipped my head.  Thanks!  ... I think.

 

2013-01-02 3:42 PM
in reply to: #4558390

Master
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Subject: RE: Anyone get depressed around the holidays?
El tahiros aht, mon ami.
2013-01-02 3:43 PM
in reply to: #4558554

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Subject: RE: Anyone get depressed around the holidays?
Bigfuzzydoug - 2013-01-02 3:40 PM
crowny2 - 2013-01-02 4:31 PM

What would BFD Dad think of this post?

Oh CRAP!  Now THERE'S something for me to think about!  8 words kind of just flipped my head.  Thanks!  ... I think.

 

Happy to help out.  Kind of puts it into perspective. 

2013-01-02 3:46 PM
in reply to: #4558443

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Subject: RE: Anyone get depressed around the holidays?
Bigfuzzydoug - 2013-01-02 4:08 PM
Goosedog - 2013-01-02 3:58 PM

I email my wife a list of the exact things I would like for Christmas.

For 2 years I did that with my wife and she told her and my family what I wanted.  And in both years, I got NOTHING on the list!  

I will say this has been a HUGE problem for my husband & his parents. They like the "surprise!" and endless shopping for gifts. I hate it, always have. His mother has gotten him tech shirts because "he works out" that are 2-3 sizes too big. (the last thing he needs is tech shirts) I got a dog hat one year to 'wear to races'. (doesn't make sense?)

It's taken over 4 years, but each year he send them an email of things we want--they ask for a list! This year I had him tell them he wanted a Home Depot gift card because we want to build home gym stuff. And he included links to the plans we are going to use. He SPECIFICALLY said these things will make him happy as the past gifts go unused and given away. 

They finally listened. It took several years, but TELLING THEM that they are wasting their money--especially your wife--goes a long way. Yes, it takes the fun out the holiday, but I just can't ever be ok with the wastefulness and overconsumption of the holidays. It's terrible. And made worse by getting things that are an even bigger waste.

So again, I'd say cut back on your consumption overall, simplify, and tell your wife that its making you unhappy. About the boat, yeah, that's pretty ridiculous. 

2013-01-02 4:04 PM
in reply to: #4558390

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Subject: RE: Anyone get depressed around the holidays?

I recall an episode of Freakonomics that noted that gift-giving destroys the economic value of things - that either the person will spend more than you would have for the item (or else you would have bought it for yourself; or maybe you wouldn't have bought it at all).

I am also very hard to shop for, since if there is something I want, I will generally buy it for myself. But I love to see my kids' reactions to the things we give them. I generally am fine without getting anything, but they always like to find something I will have fun with.They usually manage to find something I hadn't known about, or that will bring a smile to me (e.g. the zombie ornament I got last year) - which is all I really want from my family.



2013-01-02 8:57 PM
in reply to: #4558390

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Subject: RE: Anyone get depressed around the holidays?

I did not read all of the replies but I can relate to your post. I do all of the shopping, wrapping, planning etc but by the time I get done with everyone else I don't want to spend any more money on my husband and I don't want him to spend any on me! This year I bought him clothes because he fusses to me about what to wear to work every day. I know - BORING!! But he wore the outfit the other day and looked really sharp and I could tell he felt good in it.

BUT, this year was soooo much fun with my kids. They are 4 & 6 and they were so full of energy and excitement and pure happiness. They LOVED all of their presents and everyone who gave them something. They were so much fun that I noticed when Christmas was over I really didn't care about myself this year.  I usually feel like you say - really MIL, another set of containers for leftovers?!

After this year I am thinking of telling my family members to skip buying me anything. Take the money you were going to spend and lets go help a family or some children who really need something. The joy of giving was enough for me and I want to do more of that!

2013-01-02 9:40 PM
in reply to: #4558390

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Subject: RE: Anyone get depressed around the holidays?

I know for me, I've been mostly of the opinion that Christmas gift giving is all about the kids. My daughter turns 12 in a few days... Her wants have slowly become more "adult" (laptop and cell phone for 2011! Not saying she GOT them...). Anyway... I'm one of those "difficult to shop for" people because really, the things I don't buy for myself, well, I don't because they're pretty dang expensive. No one is gonna throw that kind of money my way when the list to shop for is long. Unless they happened to find a really cheap oxy-acetylene welding set up...

My parents think I'm 14, size wise, and 80 style wise.

But this year I made a specific list for my daughter. Not really of things I "need" so much as things I use (Soda Stream Fountain Mist syrup, bike tubes, etc). Within her budget and things I'll use. Worked out pretty well for both of us.

2013-01-03 6:55 AM
in reply to: #4558600

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Subject: RE: Anyone get depressed around the holidays?
gearboy - 2013-01-02 4:04 PM

I recall an episode of Freakonomics that noted that gift-giving destroys the economic value of things - that either the person will spend more than you would have for the item (or else you would have bought it for yourself; or maybe you wouldn't have bought it at all).

NPR's Planet Money. They ran it again this year.

2013-01-03 9:58 AM
in reply to: #4558390

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Subject: RE: Anyone get depressed around the holidays?

I was depressed around the holidays this year.  We lost two family members to cancer in 2012.  No amount of `stuff`could make up for not having them here.  I find it hard to relate to the OP `I didn`t get what I wanted... wah wah` attitude.  

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