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Breaking up and seeing your ex at races
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 2013-07-07 11:14 PM |
Veteran 183   Honolulu |  Subject: Breaking up and seeing your ex at racesOk, would like some feed back. A year ago I introduced a co-worker to triathlons. She knew how to run, but didn't own a road bike and barely knew how to swim. I helped her a lot, gave her some of my gear, "dumbed down" my training to her level up until her first sprint last April. She was always pretty flakey on showing up for practices, and shied away from difficult situations (weather, hills, deep water, etc). So finally after she flaked on me due to rain, I told her I was going to train with someone else. She is a very controlling and insecure person, and basically got very upset at "being replaced". So she decided to "get me back" by joining a local triathlon team. Which is fine because I did not sign up for being her coach anyhow and I was sacrificing quality training for myself and reaching my own goals. Well she started taking on this attitude that she was now superior to me and saying all of my techniques were wrong (ie her coach told her not to bilateral breathe, as it is not efficient). Needless to say, the friendship soured and coincidentally our working relationship went downhill as well. Before things got even worse, I made a request to move my desk somewhere else due to rising tension. I also told her our friendship was over. She asked me if it was because of the "triathlon thing" and I said no, that had nothing to do with it. Long story short, she walked off the job. Although she is now out of my working environment, I had signed up for 2 races that she was also going to be at. I forfeited one last Saturday because I still was pissed off at the whole situation and figured my performance would probably suffer if I had to deal with seeing her or just the bad memories affecting what is supposed to be a fun occassion. I rather not go than force myself to feel uncomfortable. In a way, I felt like a coward not showing up, but I also know I have nothing to prove to her. Whereas she takes competitive to an unhealthy level. However, there is another race coming up that I really wanted to do again, so I could see how my new tt bike would fare and to see if I could PR. But I also am worried that I would not be able to put out a prime performance due to bad vibes. This ex-friend is moving away for good after this race so I will never have to see her again. I would like to hear from you if you have had to deal with this, how it affected your performance, this could also apply to ex spouses, etc. |
| 2013-07-08 5:54 AM in reply to: HonoluluAngel |
Resident Curmudgeon 25290 The Road Back Gold member | Subject: RE: Breaking up and seeing your ex at races The only way this will effect your performance is if you let it. HTFU, save all this junior high drama for your mama, and focus on your race. |
| 2013-07-08 6:45 AM in reply to: the bear |
Champion 14571  the alamo city, Texas | Subject: RE: Breaking up and seeing your ex at races Originally posted by the bear The only way this will effect your performance is if you let it. HTFU, save all this junior high drama for your mama, and focus on your race. junior high drama describes it pretty well. asking to move desks at work? not showing up to a race the other person will be at? yeesh. |
| 2013-07-08 7:09 AM in reply to: HonoluluAngel |
Champion 16151 Checkin' out the podium girls | Subject: RE: Breaking up and seeing your ex at races Do big girl pants come with a tri pad installed? I suggest you shop for some. |
| 2013-07-08 8:03 AM in reply to: HonoluluAngel |
Pro 5755 | Subject: RE: Breaking up and seeing your ex at races So, basically, you can't handle getting chicked? |
| 2013-07-08 8:04 AM in reply to: pitt83 |
Pro 5755 | Subject: RE: Breaking up and seeing your ex at races Originally posted by pitt83 Do big girl pants come with a tri pad installed? I suggest you shop for some. Depends |
| 2013-07-08 8:42 AM in reply to: mehaner |
Master 2725 Washington, DC Metro | Subject: RE: Breaking up and seeing your ex at races Originally posted by mehaner Originally posted by the bear The only way this will effect your performance is if you let it. HTFU, save all this junior high drama for your mama, and focus on your race. junior high drama describes it pretty well. asking to move desks at work? not showing up to a race the other person will be at? yeesh. + a bizillion. Just go do the race. |
| 2013-07-08 9:27 AM in reply to: Sous |
Pro 9391 Omaha, NE | Subject: RE: Breaking up and seeing your ex at races I'll try to be constructive in my response. What you're doing is allowing her to control your emotion. Don't give her that power. The more you let it effect you, the more power and control you are giving her. You tried to do a good thing, it didn't work out the way you had hoped. Be done with it and move on, because you're just going to run into a tree if you keep looking backwards while trying to walk forwards. |
| 2013-07-08 9:33 AM in reply to: tuwood |
Extreme Veteran 3025 Maryland | Subject: RE: Breaking up and seeing your ex at races grow up and pay attention to your own race. and if she is faster than you are maybe shes right about your technique being wrong. I cannot fathom skipping a race you want to do because you *might* see someone there. |
| 2013-07-08 10:11 AM in reply to: Sous |
Champion 6993 Chicago, Illinois | Subject: RE: Breaking up and seeing your ex at races Well its never easy seeing anyone you had a falling out with. I dated a girl for 6 months a couple of years ago and even been a little off and on after that. and ran into her at a tri last year. She was a pretty cool person and I wish things would worked out. For the longest time after we really supported each other in our training. I signed up for a race which she turns out to due every year. Not sure if even saw me at the race or noticed I was there. Frankly I did not worry about it. I saw her on the run and I said hi but she did not even look. She was too busy listening to music on her mp3 player. I tried to catch her on the run (it was an out and back) but failed. Good news I still beat her in overall time so I am happy about that. Other than that it does not matter. If the OP ex training partner would kicked your butt well then not training with each other was the best thing for her. Kicking her to the curb might be what she needed. I know its easy to get competitive with former/current training partners. As other said just go and do your race. good chance she would not even see or care about you if she did. Who knows you might have had the race of your life . |
| 2013-07-08 10:17 AM in reply to: chirunner134 |
Champion 10471 Dallas, TX | Subject: RE: Breaking up and seeing your ex at races If you miss going to a race... she "wins". She knows she got in your head and is controlling you emotionally and your actions. Why let her "win"? Go race. And if you are upset seeing her, let that motivate you to go faster! |
| 2013-07-08 10:19 AM in reply to: BrianRunsPhilly |
| Deep in the Heart of Texas | Subject: RE: Breaking up and seeing your ex at races Originally posted by BrianRunsPhilly So, basically, you can't handle getting chicked? I think HonoluluAngel is a chick. The subject doesn't seem to match the OP's post. The post seems like a work/training relationship gone bad, but the subject implies something more. Either way, quit worrying about the other person. |
| 2013-07-08 10:20 AM in reply to: mehaner |
| Veteran 183 Honolulu | Subject: RE: Breaking up and seeing your ex at races You had to be there at work to know why I asked to move desks, she would antagonize me so I ended up wearing earphones to get work done. We worked a few feet apart on the same project. It was normal protocol in my firm to move, she just took it too personal when I asked management to move, and then walked off the job. I wanted to remove myself from a very negative situation so I could work without her antics. Same for the race. My post was to ask how a negative vibe affects your race. I'm not worried of her beating me, I'm also 12 yrs older. When she left the company, she was crying hysterically and making a scene. That's high school . I really think people on here have lost the supportive vibe. |
| 2013-07-08 10:23 AM in reply to: HonoluluAngel |
Alpharetta, Georgia Bronze member | Subject: RE: Breaking up and seeing your ex at races I just can't imagine this kind of drama between adults - over triathlon training. If her new coach has different techniques, I would have said "great job - keep it up!" and moved on. It's also hard for me to wrap my head around it being so "tense" that you had to ask to move your desk at work. I mean, I could see if you two were getting divorced or had an affair or something to that degree that would truly affect your focus at work - but over a flaky training partner? Was there something else going on? |
| 2013-07-08 10:27 AM in reply to: HonoluluAngel |
| Alpharetta, Georgia Bronze member | Subject: RE: Breaking up and seeing your ex at races To answer the question about tension running into former friends/partners at races. It's happened to me many times. I simply smile, say "hey" quickly and keep moving. No biggie. The one time an ex came up to talk with me after the race, we chatted like normal adults. No rocket science, no drama. |
I would say if drama begins to unfold, simply excuse yourself from the conversation. Again, should be no biggie unless there is something else going on.| 2013-07-08 10:29 AM in reply to: HonoluluAngel |
Champion 10668 Tacoma, Washington | Subject: RE: Breaking up and seeing your ex at races Originally posted by HonoluluAngel I really think people on here have lost the supportive vibe. Sometimes the best "support" is a healthy dose of tough love. |
| 2013-07-08 10:38 AM in reply to: HonoluluAngel |
Master 1883 San Antone, Texas | Subject: RE: Breaking up and seeing your ex at races There's got to be more to the story here. You say that all this drama is about not training with a "friend" anymore, but that doesn't make any sense. You and she wouldn't be all worked up if it was simply about not training together anymore. So give us the whole story between you two. If this is simply about what you stated, then I agree with the others. Forget about it and just race your race. Don't let others dictate what you do or don't do. |
| 2013-07-08 10:51 AM in reply to: HonoluluAngel |
Elite 6387 | Subject: RE: Breaking up and seeing your ex at races Trying my best at being supportive.... I really don't get the question. She wasn't a spouse, she was a girl friend. Does not sound like a real serious one, but I do not know. If she is psycho, which she sounds like she is from your side of the story, then so be it. Let her be and be thankful it's over. I really do not know why it matters to a race. Do the race, don't do the race. I guess it is hard for most to see why this is an issue. As far as an answer, what are we supposed to say? It's going to effect you by taking this much time off? You poor thing, that sounds rough? This is what you should do to get her back? Everyone responds different. Only you know what the deal is. Only you know how it will effect you. It's over. Move on. Be happy. |
| 2013-07-08 10:53 AM in reply to: djastroman |
Champion 34263 Chicago | Subject: RE: Breaking up and seeing your ex at races This is why I don't have any friends -- I wouldn't want them to get interested in tris and then start hating me and then I would have to find a new hobby. |
| 2013-07-08 10:55 AM in reply to: HonoluluAngel |
Pro 9391 Omaha, NE | Subject: RE: Breaking up and seeing your ex at races Originally posted by HonoluluAngel I really think people on here have lost the supportive vibe. Speaking from experience, COJ isn't the place to get support. lol It's a place for people to express their opinions based on what people put out there. Also from first hand experience the responses you get sometimes sting a little, but everyone here is very honest and call things how they see it. |
| 2013-07-08 10:58 AM in reply to: lisac957 |
| Veteran 183 Honolulu | Subject: RE: Breaking up and seeing your ex at races I didn't go into detail of just how bad the working environment was. It is a big company but I worked in a small room with her and another guy. This chick was psycho, everyone knew it and in her exit interview the next day she insinuated that I physically threatened her. if anything, she is the violent one who has almost punched other people. She did not want me to talk to the new guy in the room who was also a few feet away, and when she wasn't there, he said he felt uncomfortable there w the tension. So I decided to move for that reason too. Me and the ex had been very tight friends before, but she was always volatile. So when things went sour, it was very intense on the downside too. The friendship soured when I began training with another person. She said I was 'cheating' on her. Then another coworker came to ask me about her s wimming technique, as I had gone swimming with her too. The ex jumped into the conversation and said her coach said bilateral breathing wasn't efficient. I didn't argue back as I'm still way faster than her anyhow, and I thought it was ironic she was suddenly the expert. I do appreciate the kind and helpful remarks. FYI I decided last night to do the race. It's a small local race modified Olympic, not an A race for me but the reason I like small races is the sense of community, and I didn't want drama that the ex always brings. But yes I will wear my big girl tri shorts. By that time the breakup won't be as fresh as the last race I missed, 4 days later I was still pretty traumatized after the debriefing meetings I had w management. Time will heal. |
| 2013-07-08 11:17 AM in reply to: djastroman |
| Veteran 183 Honolulu | Subject: RE: Breaking up and seeing your ex at races Lol we weren't lesbian lovers or anything. Actually, the person I started training with is gay and the ex friend is very anti gay so this added to the tension. She would constantly make negative anti gay comments. So I stopped talking about my training because she would retort with bs, the resentment was festering between both of us. So that's the whole story and again thanks for the positive comments, and you mean people can go on being mean |
| 2013-07-08 11:18 AM in reply to: mr2tony |
Champion 14571 the alamo city, Texas | Subject: RE: Breaking up and seeing your ex at races Originally posted by mr2tony This is why I don't have any friends -- I wouldn't want them to get interested in tris and then start hating me and then I would have to find a new hobby. sure, THAT'S why you don't have friends.... |
| 2013-07-08 12:10 PM in reply to: HonoluluAngel |
Elite 6387 | Subject: RE: Breaking up and seeing your ex at races Hold on.... so you just "broke up" with a training partener and had to end your co-worker relationship? I thought she was your girlfriend. Uhhhh.... that's not an "ex". Sorry, but that is even less of an issue. Your training partener and co-worker is a jack a$$... see ya. Don't let the door hit ya.... next.
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| 2013-07-08 1:20 PM in reply to: the bear |
Champion 7036 Sarasota, FL | Subject: RE: Breaking up and seeing your ex at races Originally posted by the bear The only way this will effect your performance is if you let it. HTFU, save all this junior high drama for your mama, and focus on your race. Bear nails it on the first post. Mark |
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