Well, what can i say, i have not been in the water since the Martha vineyard tri last year in September. Sometimes i have some genius moments, and swimming in a tri in open saltwater is right there on the top of are you freaking kidding me WTF were you thinking moments.

that being said, i freaking nailed it, lol. I come into this race really not giving two shits about anything tri related this year, hell after my second half last year, i was lucky to even be at the race. I had sworn off triathlon forever in quite possible one of the most read race reports in BT history.

See link below, and you have been warned in advance.
http://www.beginnertriathlete.com/discussion/forums/thread-view.asp...

Kelly Burns Gallagher has pretty much still not talked to me for quitting, and honestly, i seriously fucked up my body and mind during the 2012 season with the racing and injuries. When it was all said and done, i had raced cyclocross through November and stopped training at the end of September, By December 5th, I logged out of life for about 6 months, put on 30lbs and look like shit in a wettie or trisuit. Hell i'm surprised i did not get harpooned while doing the swim. So going into the race, which for me was billed as a quiet return to see old friends and just enjoy myself, i had ZERO goals or expectations. I had no watch, a garmin on the bike because it was still there from the last ride i did and the mindset that above all else, i was gonna really enjoy myself.

What i have realized is that you can either swim or not, either you know how to get through the water or you swim like you are wearing a parachute in your shorts. Fortunately I can swim. I started in the back, and waded in dead last in the water, no washing machine no contact, just a nice relaxed entrance. The only problem with that is half the triathletes at a sprint cant swim, and the first 200 meters was me swimming over around and through people. I got punched and kicked, it was freaking brutal. Hell i had less contact with the freaking washing machine. But once through the main group of sinkers and breast strokers, i had a nice rhythm, hr was low, breathing was smooth and fluid and my stroke was not perfect, but getting me going along pretty well. When it was all said and done i exited the water, and walked up to the start of t1 and over the timing mat. What the time does not express is that i started 20 seconds or so after the front group and WALKED the entire 200 yards to transition, high fiving the people and volunteers and thanking everyone. So all in all this swim was pretty fast, i passed a shitton of people in the water.

2009 12m31s
2010 12m32s
2011 14m14s
2012 13m21s
2013 14m15s

ima leave all these blank, there is nothing informative a person that raced for the first time in a year that has not trained in 6 months can add.

out of water, walk up beach, get into trans where i adorn my Rainbow Colored Afro Wig, under my helmet, sit down on the grass, as of course i did NOT bring a bucket. Put shoes on and start walking out to mount line. I was not in a rush and did not even go over my routine while i was swimming as i usually did.
typical T1 other than walking the entire way, it was like i never left. I passed 6 doods and chicks playing with themselves as they try to get on their bikes at the mount line, as i run my fatass by, hop and jump land on seat and hope that my overweight torso does not snap the carbon fiber into 1000 little pieces. Rainbow afro wig flapping in the wind, feet in and cya later everyone.

Well, i had been on my bike 4 times since December, I had put my rainbow afro wig on, did my awesome flying mount and away i went to chase glory and honor, destroy dreams and crush souls and show everyone how much fitness you lose when you don't do shit for workouts in 6 months, where the only exercise you did is your eyes bugging out from too many video games and a staple of your diet is a full rack of Oreo's dipped in milk. Washed down with 2 five guys cheeseburgers and a hot dog and large 32oz cherry coke. That being said, triathletes still suck on the bike, nothing changed there. There is no way a 233lb fat dood that really has not ridden in 6 months should beat 400 other racers on the bike. I don't care if they have a penis or vagina, i outweighed 90% of the field by 50-100lbs. Granted the course is mostly flat, but there is one short 12% hill and a 1/3 mile climb that you do each of twice. I was on my TT rig, with no disc wheel, and realized that my fat gut gets in the way when in aero and hell i could hardly even get in the drops, the bike is too aggressive for my Adonis like physique right now, so i spent 90% of the race on the hoods....passing doods in aero.

The one funny thing that happened is i got passed, quite a bit. That had not happened in almost 3 years (quassy being the only exception) and at this race i had the fastest bike split the last two years and the course record. So when the first dood went by i laughed, i was like, shit, thats an amusing change. I got passed about 12-14 times, and i seriously struggled up the longer hill, big ring climbs are now small ring climbs and 30lbs is nothing to laugh off. The flats and power climbs i ate up, the power is still there, but the endurance is pretty much toast. I found myself just enjoying the ride, honestly at the almost want to puke effort level, going 6 mph slower average than last year. But god damn i had fun. I joked with other riders, gave kudos and encouragement when i could, and yelled finish your pass and stop blocking two times. But it felt good to be back on the bike. Even if i sucked worse than 91 other triathletes.

feet out of shoes, into the finish chute leg over top bar hands on brakes and sweet flying dismount to the peoples admiration and the volunteers breath of relief that i did not face plant.

2009 32m50s
2010 32m13s this course was a mile longer
2011 30m00s
2012 28m45s
2013 36m47s

Typical t2, knocked an improperly mounted bike off the rack, if i was racing ida left it, but i was having fun, so i went and picked it up and hung it properly. Kharma, you know??

sweet flying dismount, actually ran halfway to rack and was like WTF?? why run, this is fun.

helmet off, fixed my rainbow afro wig and sat down sans bucket and put shoes and socks on.

got up to leave and got halfway out and realized that i had forgotten to take the garmin off the bike, not that i cared about pace or anything, just so i had a reference to log the run as a workout. Heh...i said run....

My nemesis the run, how i hated thee in the past, with every injury i had ever gotten was from this god forsaken aspect of multisport. i have always rued the end of the race. Running at the end was like a fly landing in your hot fudge sundae, or your aforementioned oreo breaking while being dunked in a glass of ice cold whole milk, falling to the bottom to be disintegrated into a chocolatey mush. In layman's terms it ruined a perfectly good swim/bike race. But today there was no pressure, i had actually started running in the weeks prior. I had been running one mile a day 4-5 times a week, nice and easy, no pressure, and finally after 3 years, no pain. I had already resigned myself to knowing i would be doing some walking and some running, that was by design, there is no reason for me to attempt to run the whole race, this was not about racing, this was about seeing old and new friends and trying to rekindle the desire to get off my fat ass and get back into shape. It went perfectly, i stumbled out of transition and onto the course, wearing my rainbow afro wig, and started jogging. Mt left calf was a touch crampy, showing that i had indeed went a little too hard on the bike (dont choke or spit your coffee out) for my current fitness level. And i was fine with that, so i walked a bit. High fived and thanked every volunteer i saw. Little run, little walk, whole shit ton of fun. Unlike in races past, where i would destroy the field on the bike, and get wise ass comments from pretentious douchebag elitist front of the packers. And don't take this the wrong way, they are not all like that, there are some very humble and wickedly fast chicks and doods, that are also super people, that recognize each and everyone of us races to our strengths. But given the fact we are all mostly "a" personality narcissistic egomaniacs, you do get a certain advanced level of douchebaggery at the pointy end of the field. Trust me, i have seen every inch of the race from dead fucking last to one of the first 5-7 peeps into transition. There is a distinct difference in attitude as you go backwards. So as i get passed by people, some are quiet and a lot are making comments about the aforementioned wig, all positive. I mean how can u make fun or say a sly remark about a fat dood in a rainbow wig?? So i continue my run/walk, chatting and smiling and actually enjoying myself in a race for the first time in a long while. Athletes are already streaming back on the return trip, giving lots of them high fives, getting encouraging words, having a total fucking blast. Get to turn around and start the easy run home, see friends and more racers, start telling the other racers that they cant let the fatass in the wig beat them, and they better run me down. Lots said that was a great break to their race and a awesome motivator, exactly what i was trying to accomplish. The rest of the run was pretty uneventful, i ran the whole last mile, took in some water hugged and high fived more volunteers and thoroughly enjoyed the end of my race.

2009 26m14s
2010 25m03s
2011 22m58s
2012 24m08s
2013 32m23s

not a fucking thing.

Well, as i approached the finish line i outstretched my arms like a plane and kinda did a zig zag in like a big old airliner coming in for a crash landing. The people were cheering, the sun was shining, i was having fun, nothing hurt, i was not even breathing hard, crossed the line in and hour 27 and was pretty pleased. Took my own chip off, tummy was a little upset, and went and saw friends. It was a great time to reflect as i walkled around and all my fast FOP peeps came up and said that it was great to see me out there again and they were excited to have me back and looked forward to running me down off a killer bike next year. See not all FOP are douches!!! Met up with Dave Fisher (fisherman76 here on BT) and he had a cold Pabst Blue ribbon for me to drink!! A friend with a beer!! Golden baby!!! Some people wanted pics with me and my wig, so i obliged, overall had an awesome time!!!

2009 1h 13m 23s 118/632 20/78 M40-44
2010 1h 11m 21s 44/575 6/70 M40-44
2011 1h 08m 44s 37/575 5/70 M40-44
2012 1h 08m 26s 33/531 7/79 M40-44
2013 1h 27m 29s 262/453 53/75 M40-44

i age up next year bitches, im gonna wreck the 45-49 when i get to my 190lb goal for next season.


Well if you are still here, i, as always, appreciate the time you took to read my race report. I am sure i have offended someone, tough deal with it. But for those who know me, know i call it like i see it, and make fun of all things and people, especially myself. I live life to have fun, but also have a serious competitive streak that has been inside me since i played some pro and semi pro sports when i was in my teens 20's. That never leaves. After the second half last year, my heart and body was broken, every fucking bone and muscle in my body was screaming at me to stop. I have said before my world is black and white, it is on or off, and i did my best fake to try and stay with my fitness and passion for racing, but it just wasn't enough. In the end i just quit. I pretty much excommunicated myself from anything to do with racing, stopped talking to all my friends and kind of just checked out on life. Between December and June was a very very dark period of my life, i am overly critical of myself and was constantly hammering myself for failing, leaving, not seeing something through. It took 11 months before i even thought of doing a race, i had tried to ignite the fire, went and watched a bike race, rode my bike once or twice here and there, but it just never happened. Then one day i woke up, looked in the mirror and hated what i saw. my first thought was what the fuck did you do to yourself?? How did you let it all just get flushed down the toilet?? All the hard work and dedication decimated in a short 6 month time frame. And that was the moment, my epiphany. I started to reach out to my old friends, and found that they had missed me, understood what i had done and were not judgmental at all. They were genuinely excited that i had considered returning. And then the spark returned, that feeling you get while thinking about a passion, where your HR goes up by mere excitement, and you start thinking positive thoughts, thoughts that i can accomplish whatever i set myself out to do. So i signed up for this race. What i did promise myself was that this year would be all about having fun, so, with some input from Kelly Burns and Scott Mcmichael, i started running, 1 mile at a time, and i liked it. No pain, no bullshit, just enjoyment. Seems the body, unlike the mind, healed with the 6 month layoff. Still found it hard to get up to ride and never really swam before the race, but i was running a bit, i had gotten off my fat ass and took that first step, and i loved it. Even the night before the race, i went to bed late, and when the alarm went off, i almost didn't go. Shit, its only 475 bucks, who cares and who would really miss me anyway?? But something said get out of bed, pull your head outa your ass and go have fun, so i did. It was the best decision i had made in quite some time. As usual the Mossman peeps put on a great race. They treat each and everyone of the 600 someodd athletes like family, and dedicate a serious ton of time and effort to making sure we all as athletes enjoy our experience, from the fasty fast vet to the first timer who just puked in the garbage can cause they are sooo nervous. Robin, Clay and Nick do a phenomenal job and this is a must do race. They had a new girl doing the Volunteer coordination this year, Marisa. This is a daunting task for a non athlete, but this girl owns her own business and is also in the final stages of training for IMLP, she deserves a special shoutout, because the job she did was simply awesome. Not even considering her own personal lifes adventures, she rocked her job. There was a volunteer every step of the way, perfectly coordinated. So i thank her for that.

This concludes a very lengthy and hopefully entertaining race report. I am back in the saddle, and look forward to returning to my fastest bike split a thon ass in 2014, and i might actually be running well also, so watch out.