BTers help me get motivated again

I think you should do something totally different.

Hear me out. You've done this for years. You know what you "should" be doing in terms of training, especially with accepting your 'slower' self. Maybe it's not meant to be right now. Maybe you should look to other things to ignite SOMETHING in you to just get more fit/healthy overall, and maybe that will translate to more motivation to be on the bike.

What about a personal trainer to hold you accountable 3x/wk, build muscle (that will help in the long run on the bike).

Why so much pressure? You're obviously disappointing yourself and making it harder to be happy. Life is too short to stress about this, to try to make yourself enjoy something you're not enjoying right now.

x2  I get that tri's have been part of your life for so long and it is hard to give up the sbr.  But try and find something different that will allow you to be active.  I think a Personal Trainer is a good idea, they can help work around any kind of limitations you might have

I have allowed myself  to do what I want for last 2 years which hasn't worked to well for me. I like having a goal, a plan and  executing all that is needed to reach that goal. I like feeling fit and healthy.  I am so far from where I was back in 2011 when I was IM fit.

Thanks for the ideas...I'm opening...just trying to figure out what new thing could be and how that could work for me.

Yes, so find a NEW goal. Tri's and "IM fit" is not the end-all-be-all of being fit and healthy.

Has been 'doing what I want' for the last 2 years been actively pursuing other goals and activities? I'd say 'no' since you didn't list them. It seems the past 2 years were spent having surgery, recovering, then getting a disease, recovering from that illness, then dealing with other personal issues.

Sticking with my idea of a personal trainer. Then see where that takes you.

You are probably pretty close on your assessment and it has been a struggle for me..I"m not my time, I'm not my last achievement, I'm me but hard for me to see myself that way. Thank you for your input and ideas!

Kathy,

It has been an extremely rough road for you over the past few years.  I like Comet's suggestion.  Try something new.  I remember a time when in the off season you hit Zumba and CrossFit pretty well and seemed to enjoy them.  They may help you get fit enough to feel more confident to go back out on the bike a little more.  With that fitness may come the "old" Kathy competitiveness to want to train harder--yes, you are a few years older and having gone through a couple surgeries a little more hesitant to push the limitations.....The "old" Kathy may never be able to be back fully.....but the new & improved Kathy can still enjoy fitness and be competitive in a new way.

Find other avenues to challenge your mind and energy.  Your quilting takes a lot of mental energy--but not as much physical since it is primarily seated work.  You have the dogs that you are breeding....would you want to train them more?  

Review the material from the course you took and work on that Coaching certification.  You would be an excellent coach with your passion for the sport, attention to detail and the fact that you used a coach for your training you have an idea of what works and doesn't for a coach/ mentor relationship to progress.

Enjoy social rides with a group.  Go back to your local bike shop and see if there is a newbie group riding--you aren't a newbie in bike handling so you could help the newbies learn that while you work at a pace where you won't be dropped by the speedster guys that always want to hammer.  Just a thought.  Social while using your skills and interests....but branching out a little to get out of the S/B/R as the end all and be all of life.

If biking is not miserable for you, maybe consider a multi-day charity ride. It gives you something to train for that is "outside of yourself". I do one early each year and it is a great motivator for me. Even when I don't want to train, or I am not feeling very happy with my progress, or the weather's awful, I remind myself that I am doing it for "the sick kids (insert your favorite cause)". When you finish the ride you are not thinking about times, results, or podiums. You feel great about finishing but more importantly you know that your effort is helping others.

If I stopped training for tris due to some problem competing in one of the events (i.e., running), I'd probably do more of mountain biking, kayaking (you mentioned that I think), hiking, and maybe endurance swim events.  I would also try to find something active that my wife would be interested in doing along with me.  It looks like you have done a relay, and that is certainly an option --  find some other people who want to do a tri relay and be the swim or bike person.

Lots of activities involve some technical challenge, which you enjoy.  Scuba diving is a good one.  Spelunking.  The list is endless, really.  Go take a couple hours to walk through a big sporting goods store like a Bass Prop Shop with an open mind, and see what things catch your eye.

My suggestion is pretty close to Haley's.

Since my knees went kaput I have pretty much been on a loose schedule of lifting, seeing a personal trainer 2x a week (Ronsky) and riding my bike whenever and where ever possible.

Once I started seeing gains in my lifting, and being able to do things with Ronsky that I know I wasn't able to do before... I started to get more enthusiastic and excited about it all. And I finally saw definition and results. I also felt stronger on the bike, and stronger in general. Feeling strong and being strong is hugely empowering. More empowering, I'd say, than suffering through a long run or slogging out 4500M in the pool. Who cares if you can swim if you need help unloading your trunk!? You know?

I don't rule out another Ironman for myself... but I'm DEFINITELY going to train for it MY way, which will include little or no running, lots of lifting (strength), swimming, riding,and corework. I'm never going to run an IM marathon anyway. Why waste my time? Who am I trying to fool with a 3 hour long run?

Maybe try going to Crossfit class (is that what they're called/) and see what the coach has to say. I always explain my limitations up front. For God's sake, my knees don't bend enough to allow me to do a decent looking squat. But I do what I can. And I still saw results.

Maybe you have to do tiny little 6 inch box jumps (I did!) Maybe you squat (halfway) press the bar. Maybe you feel dorky, but you will be doing something totally different and you will not be able to judge your new self against your old self, like you probably do on the bike or while you're swimming.

When was the last time you did something for the FIRST TIME? I say give it a whirl.

But I also think accountability is key. If you have a Crossfit class waiting for you... and wondering why you're not showing up... it's hard to blow that off. Same with a personal trainer... that you're paying for, and who's waiting for you.

You are one of my best friends and I hate to see you struggle with this. You might need to take a little of this as tough love but you more than anyone else on BT knows what I have been thru the last few years and I WISH someone had told me things sometimes...like dump your partner he is a a$$hole but no one had the guts to do it so here we go.  I know how much you enjoy the fitness, enjoy the challenge enjoy the goal.  You have been thru a tremendous amount the last two years emotionally and physically and you are not only mourning the death of your parents but also the loss of your fitness and lifestyle.  You probably feel like your body betrayed you after fighting so hard to get it fit and healthy.  You felt like crap physically and emotionally for a long time.  You are an emotional eater too which has not helped I know.  No one can decide how you move forward from this point but you and you need to decide if you want to continue to pursue triathlon or something else.

Regarding triathlon these are the things I know about you that I think will hold you back
1-The numbers. You LOVE numbers.  You need to let it go and not get so hung up about that
2-You are very much an athlete who needs validation that you are doing something "right"  I hit this power or that HR or that mileage so I did it "right" and therefore I should get the result I want.  Here is the thing.  There is no right.  Its possible to do everything "right" and still not get the result you want. 
3-Your days of getting faster than your previous best day are probably over.  Hell mine are probably over too.  You need to let that go.
4-You need to find goals that are not time, speed or wattage related

I think you have come a long way as an athlete over the years finding the joy in racing and you need more of that.  Think about why you want to continue that aren't about a PB.  I just read an article in runners world about a guy who had just gone thru some personal upheaval in his life and decided to attain a personal running goal but along the way he discovered it was not about running it was about life and living life to the fullest and translated that into his life outside running and became a happier person because of that.

We have talked a lot about other activities to try.  I know crossfit is not your thing.  I think a personal trainer is a good idea. Ultimately being stronger will help you if you choose to SBR.   I think riding your bike it a good idea.  I know you are unhappy with your body right now but that is OK.  You need to decide you want to do something about it and weather that is thru cycling triathlon crossfit or underwater basket weaving it doesn't matter.  What matters is taking the first step.  Maybe it won't work out but don't be afraid to try and don't be afraid of failing.  You can't change the past all you can do is move forward.  Remember your family and friends and I all love you and support you and will continue to love you no matter what you look like or what your athletic acheivements may be.  We love YOU because you are you not because you are an ironman or because you SBR.  Do what makes you happy my friend

So much great advice in here already. Maybe it comes down to seeing yourself in a new way?

I feel kind of sappy writing this out but you have helped so many on here so here goes,

Sometimes I think of things like I am writing a book, especially in times of struggle. I kind of step outside myself so I'm not dealing with the emotion of it all - like I am someone reading about my life. I will think about where I started, where I am and where I want to go. So this is part of your story. You've already written the awesome accomplishments of your IM experiences, nobody can take that away. And you have survived an exhausting emotional and physical crisis that is now in the books. What is the next chapter going to bring?

Only you can decide but we're all here for you just like you have helped so many on this board. 

Kathy,

You've gotten a lot of really good ideas. What is it that really excites you? Is there something that you've always wanted to do or try?

I think you should look into trying something new and with a new group of people Something that you can learn about, be a newbie and meet an entirely new group of friends. Stay involved with triathlons but as a secondary interest for a while. You need to find a new interest that has a specific skills set and requires cool technical gear. Something that is individual yet also group oriented.

It doesn't have to be totally removed from S/B/R. Just something new and exciting.  Instead of swimming how about scuba diving? Take a class and get certified. Then go off on some cool exotic diving vacation in the dead middle of winter in MI.

There are so many wonderful opportunities available with the bike that don't require extensive "training" or preparation for. Cross state bike tours are a lot of fun. Multi day tours to the wine country or a food cycling tour. Get in a with a group of people that use the bike as a vehicle to enjoy life instead of a race to the finish line.  When I rode cross state tours the only thing that anyone cared about was getting a shower and how much food we could consume on a daily basis.

You aren't old enough for this but it is something that you might want to consider.

http://www.roadscholar.org/programs/search_res.asp?cm_sp=Plug-_-Boomer-_-SearchBox&ProgDesc=Bicycling

One of my serious roadie friends has been on several bike to barge trips in Europe . He said it was the best time that he's ever had on a bike. The barge takes you from place to place each day. If you want to get off and ride great. If not you can stay on the boat or tour the city.

This website is also a great resource for different hobbies and interests.

You need a goal- a big goal or trip that is exciting and something to look forward to.  You've had a really rough couple of years. It's time for you to reinvent yourself into a new person. I think most of us are drawn to triathlons and the IM distance because of the journey. It really isn't about the race as far as I'm concerned. It is what you learn about yourself and the process along the way. The last few years you've been taking care of yourself and everyone else physically and emotionally. It is time for you to start living again.

Lots of good advice here - I agree with everyone who said to try something completely different for a while.

I had a rough time a few years ago - my sister died and I got pretty depressed, and I hurt my knee at the same time which kept me from running/hiking/skiing. You've been through a hell of a lot more than that, but my point is that I was in a pretty dark place and I know your frustration with not being where you once were. I spent a year being totally inactive and sad, gained a bunch of weight, and felt totally horrible about myself. Basically, I spent that entire year being all "woe-is-me" that I couldn't run, which meant I couldn't do trail running or triathlons, and I felt like there was NOTHING I could do outside of that which I had known. 

I didn't crawl out of that hole until I decided that I had to make peace with the fact that I might NEVER, EVER run again. Making peace with that involved finding something completely different, as many here have alluded to. 

I thought about what I liked about triathlons - I like being outdoors, I like feeling accomplished, I like feeling strong. I took those positives and found some other activities that had the same aspects. I took up mountain biking because I missed the trails and it didn't hurt my knee, and I started to hit the gym because I knew that if I felt stronger I would feel better about myself. And trying those two completely different activities literally changed my life. 

I got stronger. I got outside. I learned something new which helped my confidence. And I slowly started to have goals again (lifting more weight, doing a mountain bike race, whatever). And lo and behold, I'm strong enough now that I can run again, so I've come full circle.

I guess my point is that you need to make peace with the fact that you might never be in the same ironman shape you were. BUT you can still be totally awesome. You just have to find your new version of awesome. 

Aim for a bike tour, or an active trip that you have to be fit for. Sign up with a trainer who will make you STRONG so that all of the above will become easier. I couldn't believe how hard S/B/R were after taking a year off - lifting heavy things in the gym made this easier than all the biking and running in the world would have because it built my atrophied muscles back up.

It might take some trial and error. I tried Crossfit, it wasn't for me. I tried just road biking, I didn't care for it on it's own. I had to try a few things, and you might too, but that's okay. Just DOING something helps, because it's a step in the right direction.

You can do this, and you'll be stronger. You just need to let go for a little while and find another goal.

Kathy you are a huge inspiration to me.  That picture of you finishing IMFL---you are truly an ironman to the core! 

Your post speaks to me, as I fear I may be in the same boat some day soon (running is not kind to me).  Could you try orienteering?  Adventure racing?  Mountain bike?  I'm trying to think of something low impact but that could also provide adventure.

Thanks BT! I'll respond more to specific posts tomorrow when I have more time.

I appreciate the thought, encouragement and ideas many of you have shared with me.

Kathy,

What about planning a big cycling trip each year? I know a guy who used to race but rarely races anymore (knee issues) but still rides a lot and swims fairly often.  He uses his two week cycling vacations as motivation to keep his bike fitness up and since the trips usually involve at least a couple of big days of climbing, also to keep weight down.  He's done a couple of trips where they have done some of the key TdF, Giro or Vuelta stages (or parts of stages) over the trip and while there isn't a competition aspect, he finds these great motivators for staying fit.

Shane