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2013-11-03 5:48 PM

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Subject: Family vacation - would this bother you?

We are planning a family vacation to celebrate my parents 50th wedding anniversary this summer. My parents really want us all to stay together in one of those huge house rental deals. I have 2 sisters so 2 of us have agreed but 1 sister says their family can get a free hotel room using BIL's hotel points so they will stay on their own.

Part of me understands wanting to save the money but the other part of me knows that this is a family vacation and in order for the family to spend it together where will everyone end up at? The rental house with a pool and short walk to the beach maybe? Seems like a pretty cheap way to get all the perks and not have to pay for anything. We all went to a family wedding about 6 years ago and this same scenario happened then too. My husband says sure, why don't we just book at the super eight to save money then come hang out at the house all day too.

 



2013-11-03 5:54 PM
in reply to: trigal38

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Subject: RE: Family vacation - would this bother you?

I guess there is a lot we don't know about your family dynamic - but do you know their financial situation?  possibly the house is hard for them and a free hotel allows them to come and be with the family?  I dunno, I try not to be fussy over money with family cause it tends to get awkward, but every family is SO different I think it's impossible to weigh in.  I wouldn't care.  I would probably ask my sister to stay in the house because we have to pay for it anyway, and have them chip in on food - but my sister is my best friend and I wouldn't ever question it.

2013-11-03 6:00 PM
in reply to: trigal38

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Subject: RE: Family vacation - would this bother you?
Honestly, it would annoy me but I would only say something to my spouse. I've split big houses with different groups, and we've never had a scenario play out like this. So the family/friends I have would probably just roll their eyes and move on, welcome them to hang out, but not say anything to them about it really. Other than meal plans, maybe just saying that it will be necessary to do two pools of money, one for housing one for food. Just throw that out there and see how they react. If an expectation to kick in for shared meals is met with problems, then you have a whole new conversation.
2013-11-03 6:56 PM
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Subject: RE: Family vacation - would this bother you?

That is where we are. Hubby and I just sharing our frustration to each other. The most I have said is to send her a link of the place we are staying as an FYI in case she changes her mind and letting her know the entire rest of the family would be staying there together. But that is all I will say about it.

I forgot to mention that my parents have offered to pay for anything over what we would normally spend on a vacation rental but still that would not be free. They always get free hotel rooms when they travel. Pretty nice perk if you can get it!

 



Edited by trigal38 2013-11-03 7:04 PM
2013-11-03 7:07 PM
in reply to: trigal38

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Subject: RE: Family vacation - would this bother you?

If this was my family get-together i's do just what your sister is doing so i would have a place to get away to when everyone gets on my nerves. 

But I would also offer to pay my share of the house, as it appears to be the venue where the vacation is to take place, regardless of who sleeps where. I would also pay  my pro rata for meals and other costs.

2013-11-03 7:30 PM
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Subject: RE: Family vacation - would this bother you?

Originally posted by trigal38

We are planning a family vacation to celebrate my parents 50th wedding anniversary this summer. My parents really want us all to stay together in one of those huge house rental deals. I have 2 sisters so 2 of us have agreed but 1 sister says their family can get a free hotel room using BIL's hotel points so they will stay on their own.

Part of me understands wanting to save the money but the other part of me knows that this is a family vacation and in order for the family to spend it together where will everyone end up at? The rental house with a pool and short walk to the beach maybe? Seems like a pretty cheap way to get all the perks and not have to pay for anything. We all went to a family wedding about 6 years ago and this same scenario happened then too. My husband says sure, why don't we just book at the super eight to save money then come hang out at the house all day too.

 

Who has been doing the "planning?" If this sister was not the instigator of the "vacation", and was not involved in the planning, then 3 things are likely:

1. They can't afford the place you've chosen (or don't think they can)

2. They don't like staying with the rest of the family.   We've done 2 "family" vacations, one with my family, one with my wife's family.  By the end of both of them, we were DONE.   Would have loved to have a place to "retreat" to at the end of the day.

3. They're miffed that they weren't involved in the selection process.

Now, I'm a pretty direct person, so if my family (or some other group) planned a vacation that I couldn't afford, I would just tell them "I can't afford that." But some people can't or won't do that.   In our situation we were lucky that our parents footed the bill for the vacations. So, in that case, we just "grin and bear it" when we got tired of our families!

 

 ETA:  So no, it wouldn't bother me, people gotta do what they gotta do.   I assume that if they don't want to stay with the family, they've got their reasons, and they're important enough to go against the grain.  Go, have fun with your family, and make sure you give them kisses and hugs when they leave for the night.



Edited by moondawg14 2013-11-03 7:34 PM


2013-11-03 7:40 PM
in reply to: moondawg14

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Subject: RE: Family vacation - would this bother you?

I'm with Bear and moondawg - I was thinking maybe it doesn't have everything to do with the money, and maybe they just want a different place to retreat to, or aren't happy with the selection? Of course, I would go nuts if I had to stay in a house with that many people, and would likely be the one making an excuse to get my own room elsewhere

2013-11-03 8:28 PM
in reply to: Stacers

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Subject: RE: Family vacation - would this bother you?

Originally posted by Stacers

I'm with Bear and moondawg - I was thinking maybe it doesn't have everything to do with the money, and maybe they just want a different place to retreat to, or aren't happy with the selection? Of course, I would go nuts if I had to stay in a house with that many people, and would likely be the one making an excuse to get my own room elsewhere

Yes, we all would like a place to retreat. My husband and I have already stepped up more than once to share the condo with my parents when everyone else had an excuse. At least this time my OTHER sister sees the bigger picture. She could be using hotel points too, then it would be just us again.

But honestly, it will probably be better in the long run. I could get a room all to myself  this time

2013-11-04 7:15 AM
in reply to: trigal38

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Subject: RE: Family vacation - would this bother you?
We had a similar deal recently. Getting an extended semi dysfunctional family covering 3 generations of more women than men to agree on anything is impossible. Since it was for my Mom's 80th birthday she basically called the shot. Stay where you want, do what you want during the day. Mandatory meet up 30 minutes prior to dinner, dinner, and 30 minute post dinner chat, no negotiating. It worked really well. Too much togetherness is not necessarily a good thing. Surprising thing is how much extra time people did hang around together. I think it added to peoples demeanor and enjoyment.
2013-11-04 7:32 AM
in reply to: gr33n

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Subject: RE: Family vacation - would this bother you?

Similar, but unrelated.  My wife and I will often get invited to neighborhood or friend dinner outings and somebody else picks the place (usually very expensive) and everyone chows down and drinks themselves silly.  Then comes bill time and they just have the bill split evenly for everyone.  My wife and I don't drink and there's $500 of alcohol on the tab and our $50 dinner now turns into a $100 dinner with our share of the alcohol (that we didn't drink).

So, I could be totally wrong, but I kind of think of the same thing when it comes to vacationing and others picking the place that I have to pay my share for.  I would much prefer to pick where I want to stay and pay a much reduced rate (or use points in this case) to reduce my overall expense.

I can afford the alcohol at the dinners, so it's not a money thing.  It's more of a principle thing where I don't like other people spending my money for me.  

2013-11-04 8:19 AM
in reply to: trigal38

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Subject: RE: Family vacation - would this bother you?

I have three older sisters, and if I had to stay in close proximity to all three for any extended period (say, more than 6 hours) I'd go postal. I think my wife agrees...



2013-11-04 8:35 AM
in reply to: trigal38

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Subject: RE: Family vacation - would this bother you?
There is something at the root of the problem and I don't think it's finances - maybe they sleep naked - maybe they sleepwalk - one of the kids wets the bed and they don't want anyone else to know...who knows...the only thing I do know is that there is always SOMETHING with every family
2013-11-04 9:25 AM
in reply to: wwlani

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Subject: RE: Family vacation - would this bother you?

Originally posted by wwlani There is something at the root of the problem and I don't think it's finances - maybe they sleep naked - maybe they sleepwalk - one of the kids wets the bed and they don't want anyone else to know...who knows...the only thing I do know is that there is always SOMETHING with every family

My sisters family is a bit messy and unorganized, my mother is a neat freak.  We shared a condo with my parents during the last trip and Mom would rather wash windows than sit down and relax - in a condo, on vacation.  I don't care, that is Mom's deal and not a reflection of me but my sister takes it personal.

In our case my daughter is busy and impulsive, my Dad has a short fuse when he is tired or not feeling great. There is guaranteed to be some fireworks  unless I can keep her in the pool or on the beach all day . And the best part is my parents love to try to spoil the grand kids with candy or whatever then Dad will be the first to lose his temper when Gracie is bouncing off the walls! 

Ha, don't you all want to join us?

 

2013-11-04 9:55 AM
in reply to: trigal38

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Subject: RE: Family vacation - would this bother you?
Originally posted by trigal38

Originally posted by wwlani There is something at the root of the problem and I don't think it's finances - maybe they sleep naked - maybe they sleepwalk - one of the kids wets the bed and they don't want anyone else to know...who knows...the only thing I do know is that there is always SOMETHING with every family

My sisters family is a bit messy and unorganized, my mother is a neat freak.  We shared a condo with my parents during the last trip and Mom would rather wash windows than sit down and relax - in a condo, on vacation.  I don't care, that is Mom's deal and not a reflection of me but my sister takes it personal.

In our case my daughter is busy and impulsive, my Dad has a short fuse when he is tired or not feeling great. There is guaranteed to be some fireworks  unless I can keep her in the pool or on the beach all day . And the best part is my parents love to try to spoil the grand kids with candy or whatever then Dad will be the first to lose his temper when Gracie is bouncing off the walls! 

Ha, don't you all want to join us?

 

Ha, there you go! I'm at the Hampton inn as well with that family. And, frankly mine. Don't sweat the small stuff. They're coming.
2013-11-04 10:06 AM
in reply to: ChrisM

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Subject: RE: Family vacation - would this bother you?

Originally posted by ChrisM
Originally posted by trigal38

Originally posted by wwlani There is something at the root of the problem and I don't think it's finances - maybe they sleep naked - maybe they sleepwalk - one of the kids wets the bed and they don't want anyone else to know...who knows...the only thing I do know is that there is always SOMETHING with every family

My sisters family is a bit messy and unorganized, my mother is a neat freak.  We shared a condo with my parents during the last trip and Mom would rather wash windows than sit down and relax - in a condo, on vacation.  I don't care, that is Mom's deal and not a reflection of me but my sister takes it personal.

In our case my daughter is busy and impulsive, my Dad has a short fuse when he is tired or not feeling great. There is guaranteed to be some fireworks  unless I can keep her in the pool or on the beach all day . And the best part is my parents love to try to spoil the grand kids with candy or whatever then Dad will be the first to lose his temper when Gracie is bouncing off the walls! 

Ha, don't you all want to join us?

 

Ha, there you go! I'm at the Hampton inn as well with that family. And, frankly mine. Don't sweat the small stuff. They're coming.

Yeah, I'm probably just jealous .

2013-11-04 10:52 AM
in reply to: tuwood

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Subject: RE: Family vacation - would this bother you?
Originally posted by tuwood

Similar, but unrelated.  My wife and I will often get invited to neighborhood or friend dinner outings and somebody else picks the place (usually very expensive) and everyone chows down and drinks themselves silly.  Then comes bill time and they just have the bill split evenly for everyone.  My wife and I don't drink and there's $500 of alcohol on the tab and our $50 dinner now turns into a $100 dinner with our share of the alcohol (that we didn't drink).

So, I could be totally wrong, but I kind of think of the same thing when it comes to vacationing and others picking the place that I have to pay my share for.  I would much prefer to pick where I want to stay and pay a much reduced rate (or use points in this case) to reduce my overall expense.

I can afford the alcohol at the dinners, so it's not a money thing.  It's more of a principle thing where I don't like other people spending my money for me.  




Not trying to help the thread off the tracks, but I freaking hate eating with other people when this happens. I like to decide what I'm going to eat/drink which can include reasoning based on what it costs. If someone wants to split a bottle of wine or whatever, they can work that out themselves.


2013-11-04 11:03 AM
in reply to: trigal38

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Subject: RE: Family vacation - would this bother you?

I had this very situation come up this summer. My dad's family has always done big reunions ever other year. This year we rented a vacation house that was the most expensive we have ever been in. The family keeps growing with us "kids" getting married now so the places get bigger and more expensive. 

Anyway, the house was on a resort which had hotel style rooms and also little condos for cheaper than the rate each person would have to pay for the big house. My sister and mom thought it would be a great idea to get our own condos for the savings and to get a "good" room. I disagreed big time. Why should everyone in the house have to pay more so that I can have my only little spot and then hang out in the big house the entire time? All I would be doing in the condo is sleeping so why should I get to be special and do my own thing at the expense of others?

Imagine if others followed that example and did the same thing, eventually there would be so many people in condos that the big house would be unaffordable for everyone and then there would be no reunion. 

IMO at a family event you do what is best for the group, not sit there and act entitled and do your own thing that works better for you but hurts everyone else. So yes, I would be perturbed at your sister just as I was at my own sister this summer. In the end we all stayed in the big house, we all had a great time and we all paid out equally for that great time. 

2013-11-04 11:32 AM
in reply to: Aarondb4

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Subject: RE: Family vacation - would this bother you?
Originally posted by Aarondb4

I had this very situation come up this summer. My dad's family has always done big reunions ever other year. This year we rented a vacation house that was the most expensive we have ever been in. The family keeps growing with us "kids" getting married now so the places get bigger and more expensive. 

Anyway, the house was on a resort which had hotel style rooms and also little condos for cheaper than the rate each person would have to pay for the big house. My sister and mom thought it would be a great idea to get our own condos for the savings and to get a "good" room. I disagreed big time. Why should everyone in the house have to pay more so that I can have my only little spot and then hang out in the big house the entire time? All I would be doing in the condo is sleeping so why should I get to be special and do my own thing at the expense of others?

Imagine if others followed that example and did the same thing, eventually there would be so many people in condos that the big house would be unaffordable for everyone and then there would be no reunion. 

IMO at a family event you do what is best for the group, not sit there and act entitled and do your own thing that works better for you but hurts everyone else. So yes, I would be perturbed at your sister just as I was at my own sister this summer. In the end we all stayed in the big house, we all had a great time and we all paid out equally for that great time. 




It would be hard to say it any better than Aaron.

Yes, it would bother me.
2013-11-04 11:45 AM
in reply to: wwlani

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Subject: RE: Family vacation - would this bother you?

Originally posted by wwlani There is something at the root of the problem and I don't think it's finances - maybe they sleep naked - maybe they sleepwalk - one of the kids wets the bed and they don't want anyone else to know...who knows...the only thing I do know is that there is always SOMETHING with every family

I agree with wwlani.  Not everyone wants to share every aspect of their day, night, sleeping and personal habits, etc. with the entire family for a week.  And I agree with the other poster who said TOO much togetherness can be a bad thing.

When we go down to the Cleve to visit my in-laws, they offer for us to stay in their very cute but teeny tiny little house with one bathroom.  Not to be gross but that's all I need is for 5 people to be standing by the door (where it seems you can hear everything that goes on in there) waiting to get in their when I'm trying to "drop the kids off at the pool".  We usually just use points and get a cheap room nearby instead.  We like a little bit of alone time, we like a little bit of quiet.  Both his mom and my mom--though we absolutely adore them both--just can't stop talking ever 

They understand, we participate in all planned events, have plenty of time together and can still retreat to our place of peace at the end of the day as well as waking up to the same peace.

2013-11-04 11:53 AM
in reply to: trigal38

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Subject: RE: Family vacation - would this bother you?

Did the sister in question help plan or agree to the plans in advance? If so, then yeah the decision is surprising. If she was not involved and the plans were dumped on her without opportunity for input, I don't blame them for doing what's best for their family/financial situation. Being pressured into spending money you haven' budgeted for can be stressful - this may be their way of still participating and making an effort, but at a level that makes more sense for them.

2013-11-04 12:14 PM
in reply to: ChrisM

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Subject: RE: Family vacation - would this bother you?

Originally posted by ChrisM
Originally posted by trigal38

Originally posted by wwlani There is something at the root of the problem and I don't think it's finances - maybe they sleep naked - maybe they sleepwalk - one of the kids wets the bed and they don't want anyone else to know...who knows...the only thing I do know is that there is always SOMETHING with every family

My sisters family is a bit messy and unorganized, my mother is a neat freak.  We shared a condo with my parents during the last trip and Mom would rather wash windows than sit down and relax - in a condo, on vacation.  I don't care, that is Mom's deal and not a reflection of me but my sister takes it personal.

In our case my daughter is busy and impulsive, my Dad has a short fuse when he is tired or not feeling great. There is guaranteed to be some fireworks  unless I can keep her in the pool or on the beach all day . And the best part is my parents love to try to spoil the grand kids with candy or whatever then Dad will be the first to lose his temper when Gracie is bouncing off the walls! 

Ha, don't you all want to join us?

 

Ha, there you go! I'm at the Hampton inn as well with that family. And, frankly mine. Don't sweat the small stuff. They're coming.

I don't know the ins and outs of the entire thing, but I do know that when my parents are gone, I will think of the time(s) that I had with them. Enjoy the opportunity you have to be with them and make the most of it. Life is is too short. 



2013-11-04 12:33 PM
in reply to: lisac957

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Subject: RE: Family vacation - would this bother you?

Originally posted by lisac957

Did the sister in question help plan or agree to the plans in advance? If so, then yeah the decision is surprising. If she was not involved and the plans were dumped on her without opportunity for input, I don't blame them for doing what's best for their family/financial situation. Being pressured into spending money you haven' budgeted for can be stressful - this may be their way of still participating and making an effort, but at a level that makes more sense for them.

Ha ha nothing is dumped on anyone. I am sorting through my own feelings, that is all.

My mom talked to my sister about the plans for the trip before me, sis said back then that they would likely use hotel points. She also explained to my parents my concerns about sharing a space but the discussion never went away. My OTHER sister finally said to me she thought it would be pretty nasty for all of us to take a vacation and leave my parents on their own, which I discussed with my husband and in the end we agree. I sent the message to my sister about the house as a "just in case you change your mind" because if you see the place you realize there is plenty of space for everyone and I know they will be there all the time anyway. So here we are. We all made our own choice.

I just know what direction this will take because I have lived through this before.

In the end they are my family and I love them all even with all the quirks, temper tantrums and compulsive cleaning!

2013-11-04 1:12 PM
in reply to: trigal38

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Subject: RE: Family vacation - would this bother you?
I think it would bother me if we had all agreed to it, beforehand, and then they changed their minds all of a sudden at the last minute. It would be upsetting if the plan relied on them paying for part of the house, thus not causing other people financial stress. But if the plan was made and they just decided to not go along with it, well that's their choice. And they might need to save money on room and board, by staying for free at a hotel. Finally, like others said, they might just need to stay outside of the house, for whatever reason.

2013-11-04 6:55 PM
in reply to: trigal38

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Subject: RE: Family vacation - would this bother you?
Originally posted by trigal38

Originally posted by wwlani There is something at the root of the problem and I don't think it's finances - maybe they sleep naked - maybe they sleepwalk - one of the kids wets the bed and they don't want anyone else to know...who knows...the only thing I do know is that there is always SOMETHING with every family

My sisters family is a bit messy and unorganized, my mother is a neat freak.  We shared a condo with my parents during the last trip and Mom would rather wash windows than sit down and relax - in a condo, on vacation.  I don't care, that is Mom's deal and not a reflection of me but my sister takes it personal.

In our case my daughter is busy and impulsive, my Dad has a short fuse when he is tired or not feeling great. There is guaranteed to be some fireworks  unless I can keep her in the pool or on the beach all day . And the best part is my parents love to try to spoil the grand kids with candy or whatever then Dad will be the first to lose his temper when Gracie is bouncing off the walls! 

Ha, don't you all want to join us?

 




Oh my! More power to ya for trying to make something like this work.
From what I've heard from friends, success is not common.
Good luck!

btw, yeah, if they agreed to it at first knowing the exact plans, I wouldn't be too happy. But, going into something like this, there are going to be problems. Mo' family mo' problems.

Personally, I'd rather be kidnapped by terrorists than spend a week with multiple family units...I can hear George Costanza screaming as I type, "Worlds are colliding! Worlds are colliding!"

2013-11-04 7:04 PM
in reply to: noelle1230

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Subject: RE: Family vacation - would this bother you?

Originally posted by noelle1230

 

When we go down to the Cleve to visit my in-laws, they offer for us to stay in their very cute but teeny tiny little house with one bathroom.  Not to be gross but that's all I need is for 5 people to be standing by the door (where it seems you can hear everything that goes on in there) waiting to get in their when I'm trying to "drop the kids off at the pool".  We usually just use points and get a cheap room nearby instead.  We like a little bit of alone time, we like a little bit of quiet.  Both his mom and my mom--though we absolutely adore them both--just can't stop talking ever 

I'm pretty sure that in Cleveland, the proper euphemism is "Take the Browns to the Super Bowl."  Otherwise, carry on.

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