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2014-12-03 6:48 PM


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Subject: Millennial moving back with mom n' dad - because THEY need $
Here's my deal - I'm 31, have a great job, education, and girlfriend. I left home for college when I was 18 and have been all over the world. I've done everything I could have imagined with my life by this point and more.

Yet strangely, for the past few months, I have been experiencing an incredibly strong urge to move back in with my parents - dad is 66 and mom is 59, both in good health. My sister lives with her husband nearby, and my brother is sort of a "failure to launch" and still lives with mom and dad. I live a 4-5 hour drive from my family and we see each other 5-6 times a year and talk on the phone or Skype at least 1x a week. They live in a cozy river town about an hour north of NYC in the same really cool Victorian house that we all grew up in.

Unfortunately, they can't afford the house anymore and they will probably have to sell it soon. I am in better financial shape than they are, and for some reason a part of me feels like I should move back in with them and turn a piece of the house into "my apartment" so I can help them make their mortgage and keep the house in the family.

I know this is not really a rational or practical plan. My rational side is saying that I only feel this way because every time I see them it's some type of vacation, holiday, or celebration, and that the reality of living with my family again would feel very, very different. My girlfriend would never go for it, the daily grind of living with my parents again while commuting an hour plus each way to NYC each day would be miserable, and I would miss all of the great friends I have where I live currently. Yet I find myself always feeling this way around the holidays, and the feeling gets stronger and more difficult to deal with every year. I have this feeling of guilt - like I have somehow abandoned them and if I would just drop everything and start from scratch back at home, life would be perfect and I could be a kid again forever. It doesn't help that every time I go home I see my younger brother - who is 28 - essentially living the same way he was when I left home for the first time 13 years ago. I know I wouldn't be happy in his situation but MAN does it look sweet from the outside.

Anyone else feel like this? How did you deal with it? I never thought I would feel this way. It's odd.


2014-12-04 4:47 AM
in reply to: UrsusMaximus

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Subject: RE: Millennial moving back with mom n' dad - because THEY need $

Ya.... you should get over that.

My MIL has lived with me for as long as I have been with my wife, and I do not see that changing. It works. She's cool. She needs the help. But don't think for a second I don't wish that could change and I could be in my own house with my wife. Then my sister was hosed in the crash and she needed a place to live. So she moved in. A year later it was all we could take, and she moved out. Then my mom needed a place to live, so she moved in. She moved out after a year to her own place. That's what family does. If she had to live with me forever, so be it. 

But don't ever think it will be like the "good old days". You can never go back. Living with family is challenging. It's cool that you feel a need to help your folks out. Totally understandable. Seriously. But honestly... if you need to move in to help them make their mortgage.... then it sounds like they have too much house. Maybe they could downsize and move closer to you. They could always make an apartment and rent it. Your brother could move out.... And ya, the girlfriend will never go for it... there's a reason. That is a whole other monkey wrench. 

Sounds like you love your folks and want to help out and all that is great. Holidays especially will do that. But thinking about it, and living it are two totally different things. This too shall pass. 

2014-12-04 9:48 AM
in reply to: 0

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Champion
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Subject: RE: Millennial moving back with mom n' dad - because THEY need $

ha, no, i don't feel like that ever, at all, and being 28 and living like a 15 year old sounds like a TERRIBLE life.  your brother should be the one helping your parents with the mortgage since he actually lives there.  move there if you want, but it's not going to play out like a fairy tale, and if i were your girlfriend i'd try to make it work but sure would not move over an hour away from my job, i'd stay put and let you deal with the distance.  for example, i love my in-laws, but i would not love living with them unless they needed it (medically - your parents don't NEED your support yet - having too big a mortgage but able to sell is not needing support)

 



Edited by mehaner 2014-12-04 9:50 AM
2014-12-04 10:14 AM
in reply to: UrsusMaximus

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Subject: RE: Millennial moving back with mom n' dad - because THEY need $

semi similar situation in my household. The parents aren't doing to well financially, and they're going to have to sell the house and downsize, which they should probably do with an empty nest anyway. The "man" tried to come and take the house away with a whopping 30 day notice so I dropped my life savings to bail em out, but that was just a bandaid. I wouldn't move back in permanently with my parents but I do go back for a month at a time between work contracts to help them out with fixing the house up. I always figured that if I did settle down somewhere, I'd make a little guest house on the property for them to stay in. That way I'd have them close by but still have some privacy for my own life.

2014-12-04 11:06 AM
in reply to: 0

, Virginia
Subject: RE: Millennial moving back with mom n' dad - because THEY need $

Watching your parents struggle will always be a difficult experience. Moving home may feel like it is the best solution but from the flip side of this, it may be more of burden on them without you even realizing it. A parents roll is to support their children and when parents find themselves with the rolls reversed it can quite hard on them emotionally. Downsizing is probably the best option. As they grow older the responsibilities of a large home can become overwhelming. They've done their job. It's time for them to enjoy their lives without the additional stress.

It is normal to yearn for "home" on the holidays and other special events. That feel good, comfortable, and safe feeling is wonderful to have but I assure you, it's only a memory. Treasure that and create new ones where you are at now. Going backwards is usually not the right direction.

Maybe a good solution is to help your parents to find a smaller, more manageable place. Create that memory, make it fun for them (the transition will be hard on them as well). Throw them a housewarming party, buy them a new TV, pay for the move. There are thousands of ways to help without the possibility of their pride being wounded.

Your brother......."No room at the Inn" Time to discover your own two feet. "Love ya!"

I hope I've helped a little and given you some food for thought. I'm sure I have possible offended someone with my "Tough love" point of views, my intention are only to offer my opinion.  You sound like you are a loving and caring son and this is honorable. Keep up the good work.



Edited by tarheeltri9 2014-12-04 11:09 AM
2014-12-04 11:41 AM
in reply to: UrsusMaximus

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Subject: RE: Millennial moving back with mom n' dad - because THEY need $

You already have your answer...

You recognize that visiting them is a lot different than living with them.  

You say they can't afford to keep your childhood home.  Like an onion, there are a lot of layers to this statement.  What has changed for them that they can't afford it now?  Is it mortgaged to the hilt?  Years of neglect finally coming due?  Retirement?  Unexpected illness?  If they've lived there for years, it should be paid off or close to paid off.  As such, retirement shouldn't jeopardize keeping it.  Yes, they might need to hire more of the upkeep rather than do it themselves, but did they not see this day coming?   Maybe they never could afford it, but were able to push the day of reckoning forward until now...

Along the same lines, can YOU afford it without their support?  You're already unsure of the commute and moving away from your friends and lifestyle.  If you can't carry the mortgage and pay to maintain it, what are you going to do when they're no longer there?  Even if you can, are you going to be frustrated when you feel burdened or trapped in that house when it's no longer a benefit to them?  

How will you deal with your feelings about your younger brother?  Right now, it's your parents' choice to enable his behavior.  Move in and share responsibility and you get this too.  Take it one step further, and will you tolerate him after your parents are gone?  Are you prepared to kick him out of his childhood home?  

When we bought our house, we got it for a deal because the sellers didn't want a 2700 sf, 4BR home and all of that "free" space for grown children.  They moved into a 2BR condo and told the kids it was time to find their own space.  



2014-12-04 2:13 PM
in reply to: McFuzz


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Subject: RE: Millennial moving back with mom n' dad - because THEY need $
Thanks for the replies everyone. As far as why they can't afford it anymore, it is due to a combination of very poor to non-existent financial planning and my dad losing his job a few years ago and not being able to find decent-paying new one. He is continuously employed but keeps quitting and hopping between low-paying jobs. He is driving my mom a little nuts. Fortunately my mom went back to school recently and was able to get a good job with benefits and right the ship a bit.

As far as my brother goes, he is afraid to grow up, and my mom is afraid to push him out the door, probably because she doesn't want to have it be just her, dad, and the dogs. Having my brother around keeps a buffer between her and my dad. My dad is a kind and loving man but his forethought and judgment are very poor. I have always understood this about him, even when I was a young kid. So I always felt like I had to be the grownup in the room to counterbalance my dad. That's part of why I feel such a strong urge to move back and "rescue" them.

Sounds like a great situation to move back into at age 31, right?!
2014-12-05 8:51 AM
in reply to: 0

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Subject: RE: Millennial moving back with mom n' dad - because THEY need $
I moved back in with my parents when I turned 40. Let me rephrase that. I bought the house where we all grew up in from them and they now live with me. I had just gone through a divorce after a 19 year marriage and needed a place to stay. After the dust had settled and we had split everything and sold everything I used my share to buy my parents house. It freed up $400+K of equity for them to enjoy their retirement. They are winter Texans, spending 4-6 months there in the winter. Then in the summer they come home to Winnipeg. I have the place to myself (plus my dog Sadie) in the winter while they enjoy the warm weather down south. Then in the summer they move back home and look after my dog while I train for Ironmans and travel to all the races. My dad and I putter around the house and fix things and build furniture together, as well as working on his 1967 Ford Mustang Convertible. Being single for 5+ years has been pretty lonely, so it is nice to have 2 other people around to talk to. But, then again it is a curse when women find out my parents live with me.
In my situation it works. It is mutually beneficial to both parties. And I hope it lasts along time. I hope they can spend the rest of their lives in the family home.

Edited by DeVinci13 2014-12-05 8:57 AM
2014-12-05 8:55 AM
in reply to: UrsusMaximus

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Subject: RE: Millennial moving back with mom n' dad - because THEY need $

Originally posted by UrsusMaximus Thanks for the replies everyone. As far as why they can't afford it anymore, it is due to a combination of very poor to non-existent financial planning and my dad losing his job a few years ago and not being able to find decent-paying new one. He is continuously employed but keeps quitting and hopping between low-paying jobs. He is driving my mom a little nuts. Fortunately my mom went back to school recently and was able to get a good job with benefits and right the ship a bit. As far as my brother goes, he is afraid to grow up, and my mom is afraid to push him out the door, probably because she doesn't want to have it be just her, dad, and the dogs. Having my brother around keeps a buffer between her and my dad. My dad is a kind and loving man but his forethought and judgment are very poor. I have always understood this about him, even when I was a young kid. So I always felt like I had to be the grownup in the room to counterbalance my dad. That's part of why I feel such a strong urge to move back and "rescue" them. Sounds like a great situation to move back into at age 31, right?!

sounds like a crappy situation to move into at any age...

2014-12-05 9:02 AM
in reply to: mehaner

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Subject: RE: Millennial moving back with mom n' dad - because THEY need $

Sigh.  You're definitely very responsible but they are grown-ups and you need to live your life.  

I can feel your pain though. My hubby and I often joke that we'll have to take care of my parents who have been pretty poor with their finances.  It's really hard not to judge and feel worried but unless they directly ask you for help you should let them find their own way.  Its funny how things usually work out in the end. 

My parents are currently in the process of selling our family home which was my dad's family home so it definitely has sentimental value. Although it will suck for us to not visit our 'home' it's a house. It's not like keeping antique china or other family heirlooms and sometimes being practical and selling is the best thing in the end. 

2014-12-05 9:09 AM
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Subject: RE: Millennial moving back with mom n' dad - because THEY need $
I lived with my parents until I was 37. When I went to college I lived on campus most summers and I even moved to Maryland for 3 months. They always charged me some for rent when I was not in school full time and after I was 30 I was paying for 1/3 of the mortgage then. It really worked out for everyone. They did not have a lot of money either to retire so for them it was no different then renting out a room to someone.
The only real The only reason issue I had was when I tried to date. So many girls when they found out looked at it as a sign of weakness. Lucky for me I found a nice girl who still lived with her mom and brother and was really figuring she would be with them forever. Her and her brother bought the condo and let there mom stay there because she had no money to live anywhere else.

I knew a girl who lived with her ex husband for 2 years because they could not afford to live apart. We have to do what we need to do to survive. There is no right or wrong way of doing anything.

Edited by chirunner134 2014-12-05 9:10 AM


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