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2007-06-12 7:10 AM

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Elite
2493
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Chicago, IL
Subject: sigh, I am a bad friend :(

So I have these two girlfriends that I used to work with some years ago.  One of them is super nice and the other is a ranting, rambling, cutting down everyone she knows, has been there, done that, always one above you, etc, etc... and who spends the entire night talking about our old job and what losers they were.  However, the people weren't losers, this girl is, sigh.

Anyway, here's the deal.

So friend #1 always sends me an email and asks if I want to go out for drinks.  This has happened maybe 5 times in the last 3 years.  I am always happy to see her so I say "sure!".  We make plans, and at the last second, she invites friend #2, the one who doesn't stop talking   The last 5 times I have done with it, and thought "ah, it's okay", but it's not... because friend#2 monopolizes the entire night of her talking, dissing everyone she has worked with in the past, and I sit there and listen to this sheit!, wasting another night of my life.  I walk away and say "I'm not doing this again", but I have 5x

So it happening again.  Get an email from friend #1 last week, we have plans for tonight, and boom, get an email this morning saying she has invited friend #2   I mean what the heck, can't my friend#1 just hang with me... I don't get it

... and I don't have the guts to tell her I don't like friend#2   I have better things to do than listen to friend#2 again for an entire evening which is a waste of my night ... especially when I am training for a 1/2 Ironman, my nights are precious, LOL!!

So I am cancelling on friend#1   I am getting the feeling that friend #1 does not like to hang out with just me



2007-06-12 7:40 AM
in reply to: #840225

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Pro
4545
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Orange Park Florida
Subject: RE: sigh, I am a bad friend :(
Screw it!  Time for new friends... 
2007-06-12 7:48 AM
in reply to: #840225

Master
1597
1000500252525
Colorado
Subject: RE: sigh, I am a bad friend :(
If you've got nowhere else to go with this relationship, I say get em both really drunk and try for the 3some.
2007-06-12 7:56 AM
in reply to: #840254

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COURT JESTER
12230
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ROCKFORD, IL
Subject: RE: sigh, I am a bad friend :(

Stake - 2007-06-12 6:48 AM If you've got nowhere else to go with this relationship, I say get em both really drunk and try for the 3some.

...and bring a fourth along to work the camera. 

2007-06-12 8:05 AM
in reply to: #840225

Subject: ...
This user's post has been ignored.
2007-06-12 8:26 AM
in reply to: #840267

Resident Curmudgeon
25290
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The Road Back
Gold member
Subject: RE: sigh, I am a bad friend :(
tupuppy - 2007-06-12 7:56 AM

Stake - 2007-06-12 6:48 AM If you've got nowhere else to go with this relationship, I say get em both really drunk and try for the 3some.

...and bring a fourth along to work the camera. 

...AND, of course, post the pictures on CoJ. Video would be even better.



2007-06-12 8:57 AM
in reply to: #840225

Giver
18427
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Subject: RE: sigh, I am a bad friend :(
What do you have to lose by telling #1 how you feel about #2? Man up, dude!
2007-06-12 9:05 AM
in reply to: #840254

Queen BTich
12411
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,
Subject: RE: sigh, I am a bad friend :(
Stake - 2007-06-12 7:48 AMIf you've got nowhere else to go with this relationship, I say get em both really drunk and try for the 3some.
LOL! I was going to say if you hadn't slept with either one you should and then you'd have a reason not to talk to them. Or get them two together. Or just be an adult and not go...but thats not as fun.
2007-06-12 9:55 AM
in reply to: #840225

Champion
8540
50002000100050025
the colony texas
Subject: RE: sigh, I am a bad friend :(
Tell friend number #2, to shut the ol' pie hole, tell her that your not her therapist and unless she starts paying you some cash you really don't wnat to hear about her problems, life etc.


ALso tell friend #1 that who #2 bothers you and your going to explode on her..
2007-06-12 9:55 AM
in reply to: #840282

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2007-06-12 10:05 AM
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2007-06-12 10:11 AM
in reply to: #840225

Crystal Lake, IL
Subject: RE: sigh, I am a bad friend :(
Yeah, but you're the one who just did her first century!  Woot!  You rock, tell them you've got a date tonight.  With your bike.
2007-06-12 10:11 AM
in reply to: #840254

Crystal Lake, IL
Subject: RE: sigh, I am a bad friend :(

Stake - 2007-06-12 7:48 AM If you've got nowhere else to go with this relationship, I say get em both really drunk and try for the 3some.

That's hot.

 

2007-06-12 10:38 AM
in reply to: #840225

Expert
789
500100100252525
Lake Forest, Illinois
Subject: RE: sigh, I am a bad friend :(

Nah you're only a bad friend if you drop friend number 1 because you aren't willing to address the issue of acquaintence #2.  I agree with some of the others here about just telling friend 1 about your feelings.  If friend one really doesn't want to hang with you why would she bother going through the effort of initiating these meetings.

I've had to be pretty blunt with some people about stuff like this and it has worked out both ways.  On the one hand I have had people say that they would rather let the relationship drop and other times it has gone on to be a good stable friendship.  In either case I have closure so it's all good.

Oh and if you decide to go the other route I'll still watch the video 8)

2007-06-12 10:43 AM
in reply to: #840225

Champion
6993
50001000500100100100100252525
Chicago, Illinois
Subject: RE: sigh, I am a bad friend :(
What you need to do is ask friend #1 to hang out and hopely she does not invite friend #2. Or jsut be a woMAN and tell it like it is.

Either that or drop them both and train more.

Your not a bad friend for not seeing friend #1 because #2 will be there. your a bad friend for not being honest with your feelings.



Edited by chirunner134 2007-06-12 10:44 AM
2007-06-12 11:05 AM
in reply to: #840225

Elite
4344
2000200010010010025
Subject: RE: sigh, I am a bad friend :(

A number of people have recommended the direct approach.  This is hard and lots of times not necessary.   I try to direct the conversation with questions and then give positve reinforcment when the conversation heads in a more better direction.  For example, at any pause in then confab, I would ask Friend #1 about something that is her favorite topic.  Keep giving positive indications to the speaker that you are interested and just keep quiet when Friend #2 heads in the negative direction.  Being quiet, leaving that awkward pause when someone says something that you would just as soon not hear, really can change behavior subtly.  I admit that this method doesn't always work completely but it does always help.  Listening is a skill and requires an active participation to get to hear what you want to hear.

We have to interact with all kinds of people, both easy and hard to deal with.  I am just suggesting that we have some control over it.  TW

 



2007-06-12 11:44 AM
in reply to: #840225

Champion
7547
5000200050025
Albuquerque, New Mexico
Bronze member
Subject: RE: sigh, I am a bad friend :(

When you leave it up to friend #1 to make the arrangements, you've left them in charge and they may feel obligated to friend #2. 

Invite friend #1 out instead, and (hopefully) she'll realize it isn't her place to extend the invite to friend #2.  You may want to let friend #2 know that her behavior is tedious, but otherwise, I wouldn't put friend #1 between you and friend #2 (that's just a recipe for disaster). 

2007-06-12 11:59 AM
in reply to: #840225

Sydney Australia
Subject:
2007-06-12 12:00 PM
in reply to: #840902

Subject: ...
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2007-06-12 12:03 PM
in reply to: #840225

Champion
5495
5000100100100100252525
Whizzzzzlandia
Silver member
Subject: RE: sigh, I am a bad friend :(

Tell #1 you want to just spend time with her! Tell her you've missed her and you want to catch up. Tell her you don't think you will be able to do your visit justice if #2 comes along... And then say....

"I'm not that crazy about #2 anyway... I think it would be more fun if it were just me and you...so where do you want to meet?"

And if she says she MUST bring #2 along... tell her you don't want to go.

I agree with Chi. You are not a bad friend for not wanting to spend time with #1 in conjunction with #2... you are a bad friend for not being HONEST about it. Some people just drain us... physically, emotionally... whatever.

Surround yourself with people you like to be around. Do not waste time with people who do not add value to your life, or who bring you down, or who are negative, whiny, stupid or careless with your feelings.

So says Whizzzzzzzzzzz. Kiss

2007-06-12 12:10 PM
in reply to: #840909

Sydney Australia
Subject:


2007-06-12 1:15 PM
in reply to: #840761

Buttercup
14334
500050002000200010010010025
Subject: RE: sigh, I am a bad friend :(

Ding Ding Ding! We have a winner!

You don't have to choose between one extreme (silently stewing) or the other (hostile confrontation). There's plenty of middle ground there. 

Bear in mind that if you confess to #1 your negative feelings regarding #2, friend #1 may feel like you are dragging her into your issues. Best to leave her out of it. If you want to see just her, then make it happen. Easy peasy.

 

tech_geezer - 2007-06-12 12:05 PM

A number of people have recommended the direct approach.  This is hard and lots of times not necessary.   I try to direct the conversation with questions and then give positve reinforcment when the conversation heads in a more better direction.  For example, at any pause in then confab, I would ask Friend #1 about something that is her favorite topic.  Keep giving positive indications to the speaker that you are interested and just keep quiet when Friend #2 heads in the negative direction.  Being quiet, leaving that awkward pause when someone says something that you would just as soon not hear, really can change behavior subtly.  I admit that this method doesn't always work completely but it does always help.  Listening is a skill and requires an active participation to get to hear what you want to hear.

We have to interact with all kinds of people, both easy and hard to deal with.  I am just suggesting that we have some control over it.  TW

 



Edited by Renee 2007-06-12 1:17 PM
2007-06-12 2:27 PM
in reply to: #840225

Queen BTich
12411
500050002000100100100100
,
Subject: RE: sigh, I am a bad friend :(
"You shouldn't have people in your life that do not add value to it." -tmwelshy
2007-06-12 5:16 PM
in reply to: #840225

Champion
10668
500050005001002525
Tacoma, Washington
Subject: RE: sigh, I am a bad friend :(
Some one has probably already said this...

Maybe she invites friend #2 because she thinks you just don't talk much...
2007-06-12 5:40 PM
in reply to: #840225

Champion
6993
50001000500100100100100252525
Chicago, Illinois
Subject: RE: sigh, I am a bad friend :(
Well if it makes you feel better I will be your friend.
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