9:08 AM: My levels are not going down. They are staying level. Which is absolutely not what the doctor expects to see or wants to see. This could mean that the pregnancy was (is?) tubal or ectopic... however I'm not feeling any of those type of symptoms... terrible bloating, terrible pain, and shoulder pain. I don't have any of those symptoms. I have to drag my ass in there again today for the RhoGam shot AND I have to go back on Monday for more bloodwork. If the levels have not come down by Monday, then they want to do another ultrasound and possibly a D & C. I just want this to be over.

10:39 AM: Got my shot. Now I'm back and working from home.

I'm really really sad today. Mostly because I found out last night that our own TriDDS and his wife Jeanne lost their baby on January 16th. They were both @ IMWI with us this year and she informed him they were having a BOY at the finish line of the race! It was a huge moment for them! We joked because we got engaged and he found out about the baby... it was a big year for finish line surprises.

At any rate, I don't know the circumstances of their loss... and I don't think it matters. The bottom line is that Jeanne carried that baby for 9 whole months, gave birth and now she has to bury him. I told Chris that if it were me, I'd be in some serious mental trouble. Like shut down, check out, check into a psych hospital kind of trouble.

My heart aches for them. Probably compounded by the fact that I've apparently still got all kinds of hormones floating around in my system and I just miscarried myself. But so far today it's all I can do to keep myself from involuntarily sobbing... and it's not even 11 AM yet.

1:07 PM: There are certain "WOE IS ME" people on this site (and probably all over the internet, I'm sure) that bemoan their car issues and weather issues and other trivial sources of inconvenience on a daily basis. I wonder what they will do or how they will react when an actual crisis occurs? If having keys locked in a car requires a public forum thread begging for "good vibes"... what the hell would happen if something really devastating were to occur? Some people can't live without their daily dose of "I'm a victim and here's why..." It makes me sick.

11:48 AM: I am feeling tons better. TONS. Went to the doctor today and my hormone levels are coming back down. Doctor has said that since I am A neg blood type and Chris is A pos that I need a Rhogram (Rhogam?) shot so my body doesn't attack the embryo as a foreign substance. That's interesting. I've got an Rx to get the shot... so I will bring it back to the Dr. Office for them to administer it to me tomorrow. This may help in future pregnancy attempts. 

I should be finished bleeding shortly.

I guess didn't fully realize how terrible being pregnant made me feel. I feel like I've been cured of mono or something. I have so much more energy. I don't have a constant nagging headache!

But I'd do it again in an instant, and plan to do it again as soon as the old body allows.

Gotta run. Meeting Chris and our financial planner for lunch. Tooo daaaaa loooo.

It's WEDDING WEDNESDAY! Did you think I'd blow off Wedding Wednesday?

No way, no how!

Let's finish up the black and white plaid event, shall we? November of 1995.

This was my friend Sharon's wedding, and all our dresses were hand made, including the bride's. And when I say hand made... I actually mean made. by. hand. I don't know that the woman that made these dresses actually owned or used a sewing machine. My brides' maid dress never fit quite right. The sleeves were too short, the overall length was weird, and the waist hit me up by the ribcage. Glamorous.

At any rate, here we have me and my Mom and Dad...





And here we are in Sharon's parents livingroom. The whole black and white bridal party.

Me and my sister cuttin' a rug... with the bride in the background. Look! A camera!

7:21 AM: Still cramping, still bleeding. Still headed to work. Nothing else I can do at this point, or at any point, and I figure I may as well try to get back to some sort of regularity as soon as possible. 

Sitting in the sofa for 3 full days was nice... but I feel myself atrophying. I can see how people start to meld with the couch. It's warm and squishy and comfortable... and the TV is right there... and the computer is nearby... but man, it's boring. Luckily (I guess?) Chris was sick with a raging ear infection, so he was right by my side all weekend long to provide human entertainment. We woke up late, got to bed early, and dozed intermittently on the couch. We cried a bit on Saturday too. 

We watched (at least!) 15 episodes of Battlestar Galactica. Pretty much the entire 4th season. We have the final 3 episodes left, and then the one last Battlestar movie, and we're done. We may try to get those in this week. I HIGHLY recommend this series. I am NOT a sci fi fan by any stretch of the imagination, and I honestly just ignore the "fantasy" or "sci fi" parts of the show...but in the end it's a character study. And the story of a Father and a son... and all of their loves and losses. It's a spectacular series and I'm a little sad it didn't last longer than it did. It's also very sexy... about as sexy as allowable on cable TV. (!!!) Woot! 

OK, off to work. 

12:50 PM: I have moments of real and overwhelming sadness. I think I'm doing a decent job of holding it together at work, despite the fact that I'm unmotivated and emotionally checked out. Completely. Next week has got to be better.

5:31 PM: I'm still at work. Working slavishly, since I had not planned to be out of the office yesterday. Anyway, as I sit here working away, I happened to glance over to my wall, where I have this quote hanging:

... whether or not it is clear to you... the universe is unfolding as it should.

That quote is something I go back to over and over and over again. I don't know why crappy things have to happen, but they do have to happen. Into every life a little rain must fall.

Anyone remember that "RIGHT NOW" video by Van Halen? One of the quotes that sticks out in my mind is... "Right now, God is killing Moms and Dogs, because he has to..." 

Life can suck. And sometimes life isn't fair. But, that's life, and it sure beats the alternative.

ONWARD. 

Kristin (LazyMarathoner... my pal and traveling companion!) sent us some flowers. Molly wanted to nom them.

You can see we had the BSG going full force on the NETFLIX...while Molly took time to smell the flowers before she bit into them. We had to move the vase in the middle of the night because Chris woke up and found her gnawing on them at 2 AM. They are now safely on a much higher and inaccessible shelf.

If you have the courage to admit when you’re scared; the ability to laugh even as you cry; the nerve to speak up, even if your voice is shaking; the humbleness to ask for help when you need it, and the wisdom to take it when it’s offered-- then start rejoicing! Because you have everything you need to get yourself to a better place. ~ Sandra Kring

Healing starts today. Called in sick. Going to the doctor, then back to the couch. Probably work tomorrow.

So... I haven't said anything in terms of what's been going on around these parts lately. Aside from the whole swim/bike/run deal, and the whole getting married/moving deal, we were graced with the rather unexpected gift of a baby Parker. In other words, I turned up pregnant, Chris was going to be a babydaddy, I was going to be a pregnant bride, and I would not be partaking in any of the open bar at my own wedding reception. I'd have to dance sober!

We were absolutely stunned. In an absolutely great way. Unexpected, yes! But welcome? You bet. I'm 41 years old and I've never been pregnant before. I've never so much as purchased an e.p.t test, and here I was peeing on 3 consecutive sticks and getting 3 consecutive positives. We were thrilled. 

We fully understood that there's risk involved, especially in an early pregnancy. Many of them don't "stick". For reasons beyond the Mother's control and certainly for reasons beyond the Father's control. Sometimes the fertilized egg doesn't implant correctly, or there's a chromosomal mix up, or any number of things... so it's wise to stay guarded, and not let your mind wander, and not let your emotions venture too far into "anticipatory excitement"... even though you want to... you really really want to.

But I did. I let my mind drift off into the land of baby names and maternity tops. We changed up our moving plan so that we wouldn't be moving residences with a 2 month old infant, during my maternity leave. I ordered a new wedding dress because my dream dress wasn't going to fit a 5 month pregnant belly at our reception. I kept up a moderate exercise program of walking and non impact activities. I cut out caffeine (RedBull!), sushi, alcohol, unpasteurized cheeses, and most shellfish. I was planning for our baby. I fantasized about little fingers and toes and whether or not he/she'd have Chris' perfect nose. My boobs grew a good cup size, and I was only a little over 6 weeks into this deal! Life was good. Amazing. Unbelievable. 

And then on Friday, January 13 at about 3:30 PM the cramping started. There had already been some spotting, but without any other symptoms, the doctor was not too concerned. She told me to keep in touch and call if it happened again. When I went to the bathroom and saw flat out bleeding (not spotting) I knew things were not going well. I called the doctor again, who told me that if it became heavy, like hemorrhaging, I should go to the ER. Otherwise I should wear a pad, limit all of my activities, and keep my appointment for Monday morning. 

So we sat on the couch all day yesterday watching TV while I cramped and bled, and expelled our lentil sized "baby". (It grew from a caraway seed to an apple seed to a lentil! Next week it was going to be a blueberry.)

Going to keep my appointment tomorrow to see if I need a D & C or if everything has pretty much made its way out of my uterus. One huge positive is that we were able to conceive naturally and quickly. Without really "trying". Given my age, that's pretty awesome. 

But I'm sad. Chris is sad. I feel like we've been tricked/duped/fooled. I feel like my own uterus is giving us the finger. (Perhaps that could be the problem, if my uterus has fingers...) 

It's a strange thing...because I don't look any different on the outside, but I feel different on the inside. I feel empty... figuratively and literally.

Like any loss, this will pass, but I've got to believe it will leave a mark.

And we'll try again. 

• PUT LAUNDRY AWAY
• Vacuum the rest of the upstairs.
• Change sheets.
• Finish wedding invitations. 
• Obtain addresses for the last couple of stragglers out there. (These are mostly Chris' work people)
• Dust the upstairs. I can see a layer of dust on the shelf where the DVR is located. 
• Walk on Friday
• Do real weights Friday. My weight sessions have been half assed rush jobs. 

Having dinner tonight and seeing a movie with Agnes, my work-wife. 

11:39 AM: The commute went better than expected. I left a little later than usual and the roads were mostly clear. My driveway was plowed and everything was fine. Only saw one SUV off the road. Not too shabby.

The Thai chicken thing we had last night was deeeeeelicious. If you read the recipe reviews, there's a lot of controversy regarding people's perception of whether or not it's an authentic Thai recipe... Ummmm. No. Of course it's not. It's a freaking crock pot recipe. I don't even know if they HAVE crock pots in Thailand. This is a slow cooker chicken recipe with a Thai-ish influence. People can be real idiots sometimes. I thought it was good. And different.

Give it a go:

CROCK POT THAI CHICKEN