2150 - OK so I did something today...it wasn't much, but it was a start.  And the fact that it was swimming, something I'd normally pass up, says something.  But I made some other decisions tonight.  I'm not running the Komen 10K tomorrow.  I just can't bring myself to want to get up at 0430 to go push my way thru a sea of people.  I know its for a good cause, but as Terri told me tonight, she knows she's ALWAYS in my heart when I train or race, so I don't have to prove anything by being there. 

I'm also NOT doing the Rails to Trails bike ride on Sunday.  Since Shaun, Wendi, and I won't be there, Brian doesn't want to go either.  So if anyone was going just to go with us and you don't really wanna go, don't.  It's a long drive to Inverness and I just don't feel like getting up early to do it.  I will train this weekend, but not intensely, and not long. 

0750 - Hopefully today will be an upswing day.  I'm not feeling as down today, but I'm still having a hard time wanting to work out.  Yesterday was exactly what I needed to reset my system, but I'm still having a little motivation problem I guess.  I'm looking forward to tomorrow's 10K, and I kiiiiiiiinda wanna swim tonight...but I keep thinking I'd like to take care of the other car stuff I didn't do yesterday.  Maybe I'll do some of it at lunch today.  Take a half hour and get it done.  We'll see what happens.  Whatever happens, I think I'll hit Harbour Island today after work and either swim and then hit the jacuzzi/steam/sauna or just skip the swim and use the amenities anyway.  I don't know what to expect from myself since my moods change with so much frequency of late.

2230 - This day was exactly what I needed to put my mind in a different place.  Tonight was very relaxing.  I took myself over to St. Pete (I wanted to go somewhere different so I didn't feel like I was home) for dinner.  I went to Banbu Grill...well guess what...it's GONE.  So I remembered that I have a friend who works at Applebee's not to far from there, I figured I'd go bug him.  Well, he wasn't working...but he was there with his BF, having drinks, watching the Rays game, but were just about to go have dinner at Bonefish.  So I joined them.  Good conversation.  Nice to see a couple friends I haven't seen in months, and so unexpected and unplanned.  Makes it even better.  Then I just kinda chatted with them a while and came home.  A nice relaxing, no pressure, no diet, no talk of triathlon night.  I have decided I'm gonna strike out on my own at least once a month and do exactly this.  It will help me stay sane thru all of the Umstead training I'm about to embark on next month.
            Tomorrow I'm gonna try to have a normal day.  Work, swim 2100, run 20 minutes, spend time with my incredibly patient and understanding other half.  I hope this is a good sign of me climbing that wall.  I know I'm not over it just yet, but maybe I'm getting there... 

1630 - OK so here's what I did today to start climbing my depression wall.  First I slept til 10 am. Yay me.  I decided early on that I'd not only take a day off from work, and from working out, but from my ultra-clean diet too.  I promptly drove myself to Long John Silvers for lobster bites, fried fish, french fries, and a REGULAR soda.  America...F*CK YEAH.
           Then I spent the whole day with my car.  I did some little engine mods, built an intake, did some electrical stuff on the interior (LED's, power outlets for future accessories, etc.), did some weight reduction in the engine and the chassis, cleaned out the interior, covered up my subwoofers so they're not obvious, cleaned the upholstery (in the front only...back is gonna take some time...chain grease!), and washed the car inside and out.  Also did some gas and oil treatments so the fuel system and oil system are like new (the pistons have oil squirters under them, so fresh oil is critical).  It runs and drives like a new car now...and it's got some extra pep that it didn't have before!
        Then, after I was done with all that, I cleaned the house a bit, started some laundry, cleaned the kitchen and bathroom, and took out the trash.  Then I showered.  AHHHHHH...it felt so refreshing.  Now I think I'm gonna go get myself some dinner and then take myself to a movie.  A date with myself.  Now that sounds like a good idea.  Oh yeah, and per Terri, I'm getting some Entenmann's chocolate chip cookies too. 

0730 - Taking a mental health day.  Called in sick to work.  I am going back to bed until such time as I feel I want to wake up.  I'm gonna just stay here and relax for the day, maybe work on my car a little bit.  Then tonight I'm gonna either take myself to the movies, or go eat dinner somewhere, or just something by myself...even if it's sitting at a Starbucks or something. 

1320 - Have some ideas on how to get happy again.  Need to explore them.  Friends have good suggestions.

0730 - I think I'm depressed.  I don't want to train.  I don't want to do IMFL.  If it wasn't 30 days away I'd pull out completely.  I don't want to lift or swim or bike...I do want to run though.  But I think I'm just burned out on triathlon right now, I'm burned out on being super-fit, maybe just burned out on everything that my routine IS at this point.  The weird thing is, I didn't know this for sure until a switch was flipped on Monday.  And thats where I am right now.  I'm training, but I'm just going thru the motions.  There is no motivation.