Happy Mother's Day ... to all who have mothered and loved another creature. :)

I had a bit (a lot) of a breakdown the other day ... I've been getting awful spots and rashes, horribly itchy, would cover myself in lidocaine/menthol/alcohol spray and take Benadryl. I thought it was more typhoid or fever rashes.

I woke up on Saturday with something crawling next to my face.

My bed, bedding, and pillows were covered in TICKS.

Hundreds of ticks. Some giant, some medium, and tons of tiny ticks, like someone had ground black pepper all over my bed.

I had a shit fit.

A lot just came down for me that moment, personified by the ticks. The depression has been crippling, although there are many rays of sunshine (you), and I do know how to walk this road, and that accepting grace, expressing gratitude, and extending generosity make it smoother if not easier.

I've also been dealing with my feelings about a doctor who, in my opinion, should be strangled. Most doctors (50%? 60%? 90%?) in Indonesia should at the very least not be doctors, and some of them additionally require strangulation, which would be gracious in the light of the additional suffering they cause their patients.

One of the reasons that multi-drug resistant germs are rampant here is that many doctors will simply send people away with a three-day course of antibiotics regardless of their ailment.

You know what ... if I even start on it here, my head will explode and I might just run down the street tearing my hair out. So I won't. I do hope I've been able to minimize the damage one particular doctor has caused, though we will find out in a few weeks. Hobbit Maid seems to understand that if she does not follow MY directions--and I WILL find out if she has or hasn't--that she's not going to have a job.

On to better things!

Here are pictures of the Fur Children and their other mom. Sadly, our Funny Farm Family is down to two dogs and one cat, but we carry on (bathed in permethrin, doused in tick repellent, and wearing flea collars).

Biscuits in her second favorite spot to sleep.

Blown-out depressed and exhausted. However, I've learned through much practice that I don't need to WANT to do something (or shit, nothing would ever get done, y'know?) in order to actually do it, so I'm suiting up and showing up for life in appropriate and healthy ways anyway. BLAH! I say. BLAH! I actually put running clothes on to go for a walk. Not running shoes, but still.

Three Things I'm Grateful for Today:
1. John's life.
2. I am definitely not grateful for John's death, except in that it spared him more suffering and having to ask for help, which to him was the ultimate suffering, so I guess in a tiny way I am ... but I am thankful for the certain understanding that his death is as valuable as his life. I don't know why or what or how, but I know this for sure, as surely as the fact that his life was meaningful and valuable, of itself, but also to countless others.
3. I'm grateful to be able to post just a little bit about tissue and organ donation.

Three Things I Did Well Today:
1. Ignored how I was feeling in order to truly care for myself and give myself what I needed.
2. Practiced self-care.
3. Prayed and meditated.

Three Things to Work On:
No fucking thing. I did and will do the very damn best I can today, and I'm telling you, it might be far overreaching. Honestly, considering how I felt/feel, it's a fucking miracle I ever got out of bed today.

I've made the transition from suicidal to apathetic and now I'm in full-bore homicidal, so that's good.

More on that later.

---

Heart-rending day for me.

Beloved friend and BTer passed away.

He was a really tough cookie and thought the same of me, but both of us would call each other in our weakest moments. Not something we let a lot of people see.

I feel horrendous.

Nevertheless, the last time a bunch of BTers were mooning over him (he had many surgeries and health issues, that time it did not look like he would pull through), he came on and posted:

"Do I have to come in here and start kicking people's a$$e$?  Change to fart jokes, please.  Everyone loves a fart joke.  

 As you were."

I love you forever, John. You can finally let go and not take care of everybody all the time now.

Puts my day in a whole new perspective.

It seemed like not very good news on my health front, but now, it's AWESOME news.

After 10 days of eating well, iron-rich foods, lots of rest, my blood values are marginally better. But they are definitely moving in the correct direction. So that's good.

I basically have three options.

There are no more antibiotics for me to take except ones I'm allergic to. There are ways to take them, but it's risky and involves hospitalization in another country. In any case, I'm not quite strong enough yet to go through that, unless I also have blood transfusions. All of this gets very, very expensive.

I could get bombarded with antibiotics here that my typhoid strain is moderately susceptible to. Risk there is that a resistant superstrain develops, plus my body's beat down. I don't think it would handle a ton of ab for a long time well.

I can take a slow and uncertain road of healing myself with naturopathic treatments, biofeedback, and very careful nutrition. Will continue to be closely medically monitored. Would know within a few weeks if this is a viable path or not.

After a lot of prayer, thought, consultation with medical professionals and friends, I'm going with option 3 for now. Even some of the diehard medical folk (including myself, frankly, having been a hardnose research scientist with a fair bit of medical experience under my belt) are suggesting it.

The other good news is that we've found that the Hobbit Maid is a typhoid carrier but also has active typhoid in her system, so she is being treated as well. We are neighbors, so it's impossible to tell who might have given it to whom (or not at all, since we share a water supply and could have gotten it from there or another common environmental source). Additionally, I've had more than one kind of strain. My sister's strain is not related to ours or any other I've had.

Otherwise, today was extremely boring. On again, off again. Seems to be a 1:1 day pattern now, which is great, because I seem to be able to do SOMETHING every other day.

Lot of stuff is piling up. Hobbit Maid needs to go to a doctor; she doesn't look well. The fridge and freezer quit. Awesome, because I have weeks' worth of food stored in there. My sister had to deal with a minor riot situation, which I think is hilarious, because it wasn't me. (Am I terrible, or what? Poor, poor thing with the smelly purple sharks following her ... I think it's just a manifestation of her hideous farts. However, I too keep having startling hallucinations ... but mine are mostly smell and feel).

I've given a lot of thought and prayer to how I want to treat this recurring typhoid. Indonesia is out of antibiotics for me to take. The truth is that I'm just plain out of antibiotics to take, regardless of country. What they could do for me somewhere else in a clinical setting is a highly supervised antibiotic administration, increasing my tolerance of an antibiotic I'm allergic to.

I don't want to go that route. I have a couple other things I'm mulling over.

Here are my babies at their best :) :

Big day today. I actually felt okay for the first time in forever when I woke up, and the Hobbit Maid was sick today (though she sent a little minion with cooked lunch boxes for the pets. THE PETS!!! What about me???), so I made the bed and tidied up around the house. Then I got the brilliant idea to go out for groceries and some other small errands.

Everything got done, but halfway through grocery shopping, I realized ... wow, this was a REALLY BAD IDEA. Never mind that I'm not even supposed to be in a car ... never mind driving one! (How come none of this occurred to me before I left?)

I will say it was fantastic to be out, and it was a beautiful day.

Then I took a five-hour nap.

Oh, I have a really gross story: when my sister was visiting, she found a couple of ticks on Lisa, so she pulled them off and had put them on the ground, and as she was looking for some means of disposing of them (vinegar, poison, flame, etc.) Lisa happily slurped them up. And chewed. Delicious!

Three things I'm Grateful For:
1. I'm happy to eat again!!!!!
2. Amazing friends with well wishes from all over the world (YOU!)
3. That my sister went to Jogja instead of me. Not that I could, but still. She really couldn't either, but she went. (Big important family/business/royal family thing ... one of us HAD to go).

Three Things I Did Well Today:
1. Cleaned up a bit.
2. Attended to my spiritual life.
3. Ate fresh veggies and iron-rich foods!

Three Things to Work On:
1. Perhaps selecting a different midnight snack.
2. Paperwork and a bit of work.
3. Reaching out to sober friends with phone calls. Remembering to go to an online meeting.