Unplanned rest day. My mom called today at lunch to tell me that my grandmother has decided to stop all meds and that it is time for her to die. This of course brought up all sorts of feelings in me.. I made the decision to go up to Monticello around 4. I stayed with my grandmother until around 7 or so. I definintely think this is the beginning of the end. I just hope it's quick. She is in so much pain. Her breathing is labored. She is bedridden.
I have so many conflicting thoughts going on.. death.. race.. what do I do?? I know how my mother can be.
I said my goodbyes to my grandmother last night and just told her how much I love her. I shared with her some of my memories that I have of her.. I fed her her ice cream supper.. held her hand. If she is still hanging on, I plan to see her again this weekend as that will be my last chance before we leave for OH. I've made the decision that regardless of what happens, I will race.  If she had a say, I believe she would want that. Or is that my mind justifying things. I think I'm putting the cart before the horse.  Anyway.. not a fun way to begin a taper and the biggest athletic event of my life.. THey say that triathletes can be very selfish people and that to be successful at longer distance, you have to be. For me, when it comes to this kind of stuff and especially family issues (not at home), it really becomes apparent. Unfortunately, the only ones who truly understand are fellow athletes.  As a woman, we are definititely programmed to help others, to be there for others, and it can be very hard to put ourselves first. And when we do there can be tremendous guilt associated with it. I have felt a lot of that guilt over the last year.. Please say a prayer for my grandmother that her suffering will end quickly. She's had 92 years..