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why am i ashamed - help pls
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 2005-03-30 6:53 AM |
Extreme Veteran  310 |  Subject: why am i ashamed - help plsi have strange problem (strange, read= not logical; yes. i am Ms Spock, tx for asking) last year i started to run in february thanks to Ron and BT after a whole life spent totaly sedentary but when season approached everything fell apart, i was to scared, all events passed one by one and i kept my head in the sand. this year i am starting my training a little bit late (read= i didn't started it at all!!), and it looks to me like i am ashamed/scared to train for 3, to turn my life upside down the way i like. i don't understand at all what's going on but i want to stop this sabotage. i want to dare. but smart talk is all i do. it is weird - like i need some "normal", "legitimate" reason, like i need permition, even worse, an excuse to start training. turning dream to goal should be more then enough for a reason. it's my life, anyhow, and noone can judge. why am i afraid, intimidated, ashamed? and even worst, i can't stand deadlines - they paralyse me please help, i already started to cross my events off the list (one is gone and one is too soon, although it was enough time...) i want to put my head off the sand and if i am not prepared for the event, i would like at least to be there and enjoy watching Edited by sanjana 2005-03-30 6:54 AM |
| 2005-03-30 8:03 AM in reply to: #135605 |
Extreme Veteran 596   ma | Subject: RE: why am i ashamed - help pls hi Sanjana - I'm not sure where the ashamed emotions are coming from, but my guess is, it is embedded somewhere in lack of self confidence and belief in yourself? When I do races, I'm almost always in the last 10-25% of the finishers. But, its my own race...i'm slow, and i tread on. I think the thing you need (as do so many of us) is comraderie and peer support. Can you find a training partner, or a running club, or tri-club? If you can't find any, are there spots to put a posting up looking for a training partner? I think this is the ticket for you. Good luck..staying on this site will help you alot. Even if you go into a lull, come on board here and throw a message out. Use the training log as well...it makes a big difference. |
| 2005-03-30 8:23 AM in reply to: #135605 |
| Veteran 187 NYC | Subject: RE: why am i ashamed - help pls I think you need to give yourself a break (which is hard, I know). If you spent an entire life sedentary, just the fact that you are scheduling events is a big change. Maybe signing up for 3 is too much. Plan one, and train for that. And if you miss a day or two, no big deal (I need to listen to this myself!) Chaning a lifestyle is hard. Not sure where you live, but if you have suffered through a long cold dark winter that could be adding to it as well. |
| 2005-03-30 9:07 AM in reply to: #135605 |
Elite 4344 | Subject: RE: why am i ashamed - help pls Hey Sanjana, Have some small, immediate, and readily-acheivable goals. Then also have some more ambitious, but less definite long term goals. For example, short term would be to work out 4 days a week for 30 minutes each time for the next 4 weeks. At then end of 4 weeks you evaluate again and set new short term goals. What you plan on for short term should be within the amount of time you have and your present condition. And, it should be a very easy goal. The long term goal maybe to run a 10K race. No time or date specified. In a few months, that goal seems very easy and an opportunity to race turns up conveniently nearby and you put your long term goal into the short term column. You will get to the long term goals very soon I am sure. TW |
| 2005-03-30 9:41 AM in reply to: #135605 |
Buttercup 14334 | Subject: RE: why am i ashamed - help pls Sanjana, My suggestion is to have one goal in mind: Enjoyment of your activities. Forget the tri's, forget pushing yourself, personal bests, etc. Just get on your bike and ride for the sheer thrill of it. Swim for the relaxation it brings. Walk where you can enjoy the scenery. Get in the habit of enjoying the activities (21x before something becomes a habit). Then consider where you want to take this. If you never do a tri, so what? Find the joy first. |
| 2005-03-30 10:05 AM in reply to: #135605 |
Champion 5183 Wisconsin | Subject: RE: why am i ashamed - help pls are you worried about what other people say or think? is that part of the "permission" you think you need? Do you feel guilty for taking time to focus on yourself and your dreams? You need to believe that YOU are important, and that YOU are the one who gets to decide how you want to spend your time and what is valuable. It has taken me a long time to realize this-- my issue is often that I think people are judging me for taking this time to train and then when I don't perform "well" (according to their clueless understanding of the average triathlete's standard for good performance) they will think I am a joke. Like they will think, "Sheesh, all that time and money she spends on this, and she's not even that good." Time to turn the focus on the inside of me, to let my own goals and ideals and values dictate the choices I make. Easy to say... Try just going out for a nice walk for 20 minutes 3x a week. Re acquaint yourself with how good it feels to be alone with your body and mind... That's what I do when I get loony. |
| 2005-03-30 10:07 AM in reply to: #135605 |
Champion 4902 Ottawa, Ontario | Subject: RE: why am i ashamed - help pls Do it or don't do it! It does not matter. It took me twenty years (no exaggeration) before I actually did a triathlon. I just could not make the committment to training and to signing up for a tri. Some day, when you are ready, you will do a tri and see that there really is nothing to be scared or self-consious about. You will meet people from all walks of life and all levels of fitness, some in better shape than you and some in worse shape than you. There really is no judgement during an event, just participation and enjoyment. |
| 2005-03-30 10:42 AM in reply to: #135605 |
Lethbridge, Alberta Bronze member | Subject: RE: why am i ashamed - help pls I second Renee's comments. Don't worry about the events for now. Just enjoy the activities and the changes they will bring to your body and your life. Get used to being more active and build on that first. Then, when you are confident with the distances already, consider participating in an event. Competing can come later, if at all. If you're not ready to do a course, go ahead and watch. You might even volunteer to get more experience with the events. Most of all have fun.  Edited by Micawber 2005-03-30 10:50 AM |
| 2005-03-30 10:45 AM in reply to: #135605 |
Elite Veteran 777 flatland | Subject: RE: why am i ashamed - help pls Hey Sanjana. Nobody but you can know why you are afraid, intimidated, and ashamed. If I were you, I would back off from all the guilt associated with watching races slide by and pick smaller, attainable goals, or, as wierd as it may sound, no goals at all. Run for the joy of running, bike for the joy of biking, swim for the joy of swimming. Do it at your pace. The more you do it, the more confidence you'll build, making it easier to overcome the fear of an actual race. There is no timetable for racing, you don't have to do x races in a season by the time you're y years old. Eliminate the pressures and just do it for you. Find your reason for training, and use that as your permission. If you need that permission, hold up your reason and say "THIS is why I am training, and no one can stop me." Write it down if you have to. Get your doctor to sign it. I admit to feeling terrified and embarrassed every time I participate in an event, a voice in the back of my mind whispers "You are colossally fat. You are not a runner. You can't even hold a 10:00 mile. You will come in in the bottom 5%." I am sure these demons will sit on my shoulder in 4 weeks when I line up for my first tri. They've already started. You have to find what works for you to look at the demons, acknowledge them, and live your life ignoring them. For some, self-doubt will always be there...tri training is great therapy for finding coping mechanisms. Getting started is the hardest part, but it becomes such a habit after awhile. And, the more you ignore your demons, the more you are able to prove them wrong. Soon, I will be able to hold a 10:00 mile. And the happiness of that will beat back all the fear and anxiety. Till they start whispering "You're not a runner. You can't even hold a 9:00 mile." Good luck with it. |
| 2005-03-30 10:51 AM in reply to: #135605 |
Veteran 290 Denver | Subject: RE: why am i ashamed - help pls Sanjana, I've finally come to figure out that I hate to race. I love training for a triathlon, but the actual DOING of one scares me. Maybe not "scares" but makes me so nervous I start to get sick. So, I've decided that I'm not racing anytime soon. Why should I put myself through that? I MAY do a tri in August with a buddy. Or I may not. No pressure. And you know what? I've found that I enjoy my training more now without a concrete goal! If I miss a day, I'm not fretting about being ready in time for an event. Of if I have an off day, I'm not sweating about not keeping my training schedule. AND, I think I may even be training more and better because of all this! So, as others have mentioned, don't put so much pressure on yourself to compete. Just get out there and enjoy the movement of your body. You're giving your body a gift by being active, and it will, in turn, give you a gift back! |
| 2005-03-30 11:27 AM in reply to: #135605 |
Elite Veteran 1817 Cedar Rapids, Iowa | Subject: RE: why am i ashamed - help pls I have about a hundred things to say, but first I am curious about your support system - spouse or SO, and friends. Do you mind talking about that? |
| 2005-03-30 12:32 PM in reply to: #135605 |
Veteran 296 | Subject: RE: why am i ashamed - help pls Excellent observations and advice previously posted. Another possible suggestion: how about doing an event as part of a team your first time out? Maybe selecting the portion of the race in which you feel most comfortable. That was my personal experience and it served to give me confidence and learn more about the sport. I have also volunteered for pre-race activities (to prepare for race day) and during races. Lots of fun plus a great opportunity to meet new people who can give good advice. Good luck to you! |
| 2005-03-30 1:08 PM in reply to: #135605 |
Expert 615 Littleton, CO | Subject: RE: why am i ashamed - help pls Sanjana- To add one more thing - keep hanging out with us! I don't get to Zagreb often - OK, I've never been there  , so I can't cheer for you in person, but I'll keep cheering for you on BT! And my advice? Do what's fun (like Renee said). Let that take the right form and timing for you. We'll be here for you - Brett |
| 2005-03-30 1:18 PM in reply to: #135605 |
Extreme Veteran 724 Delray Beach, FL | Subject: RE: why am i ashamed - help pls Like the ad reads... No Excuses, Just do it! I've been training without registering for a race. I finally did it today! We all try to sabotage our training one way or another Every time you have those thoughts go for a run or a ride |
| 2005-03-30 1:31 PM in reply to: #135704 |
Got Wahoo? 5423 San Antonio | Subject: RE: why am i ashamed - help pls That's right, lose the races. Scratch them for the whole year. As it stands now, you are not closer to the races, AND have the mental worry, shame, self anger and confusion as added difficulty. Train without an ultimate goal. Get healthy, enjoy the feeling of your body and self image changing. Don't even give yourself short term goals as you noted deadlines paralize you. Just go for a run. Or a ride. Or a swim. Spend the summer getting in touch with your body and your ability. Once you've progressed, you can come back and revisit you wants and needs. This site is not about the races, but about the training. The races, in a lot of cases, are totally secondary - a framework or paradigm whith which to get healthy. Don't focus on the races or ultimate goals if that outlook makes you uncomfortable. Just train. You might consider therapy, and I'm not saying there is something wrong with you, but talking to a professional might shake lose some of your reasons and motivations that are currently escaping you. Just a thought, but having someone to put your fears and motives in context is invaluable when you just can't get a handle on you own. Dr. Welshy |
 2005-03-30 1:44 PM in reply to: #135605 |
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| 2005-03-30 2:48 PM in reply to: #135605 |
Champion 5495 Whizzzzzlandia Silver member | Subject: RE: why am i ashamed - help pls I have to admit... I had to Google "Zagreb" to find that it's in Croatia! **SIGH** I'm geographically challenged. Anyway, please don't be too hard on yourself. And try to be realistic about your goals, your training and what can be expected when starting out on a new fitness endeavor! If races stress you out... then don't race! But spend your time training, preparing yourself so you will eventually arrive at the point where you will want to race...you will want to show the world what you're made of.... because you'll be full of confidence, sparkle, and inner satisfaction. It might be a slow road... especially if you're going from a sedentary lifestyle to one of exercise/fitness and nutrition. But progress is progress, and any step forward will bring you closer to your goal....whatever you decide it will be. On the other hand... if you would like a concrete goal...why don't you try training for a 5K event? Something small... Once you get there, see the other athletes and get caught up in the excitement, you might find yourself more motivated to try other things too.
PS Your quote! your quote! Life is not the result of spontaneous combustion... set yourself on fire... DO IT! DO IT! Or, let **US** set you on fire!! Good Luck.... xo Whizzzzzz |
| 2005-03-30 11:40 PM in reply to: #135605 |
| Expert 941 WA | Subject: RE: why am i ashamed - help pls sanjana, there is NOOO need to be ashamed. if you are worried about not being good enough, don't be! look at this site, we are all doing triathletes and we're all supportive and non-judgmental. i can see where you are coming from though. i have demons in my head sometimes too, though they aren't loud enough to stop me. i have been sedentary for about a decade, but on the outside i look pretty thin/healthy AND i'm young. so when i do a race, i am constantly thinking, "oh, i should be smoking these people, i have the advantage of youth! but i suck! oh, it's even worse because i don't even have an "excuse", i am just flat out terrible." i did on tri last summer, and i saw an 11 year old girl finish just as i started the 5K. then, a 63 year old woman passed me (i know because they marked our legs with our ages). i felt self-conscious because everyone who passed me could also see that i should have been bouncing along on the fresh legs of a twenty-something. and i did get passed...by EVERYONE but one person. when i finished the race, i had a few friends waiting for me. i said, "man, i was 2nd to last!!!" they said, "man, you finished it! we could never do that." i realized that yes, i had finished, and so what if i was slow? how many people can say they have finished a tri? it's all relative. the people who win go faster than the people who don't win go faster than the people who don't tri at all. but i agree with the general advice, dont' race if you dont' feel comfortable doing so. maybe do your first race eventually with a training buddy. but don't let fear of being bad stop you forever. it's all about YOU, not what other people think. i wish you the best. PhD's unite! (i saw your post on the student forum). also, if you need a laugh, check out www.phdcomic.com. they have great great great comics about life as a grad student. keep us posted!!!! Lisa |
| 2005-03-31 4:33 AM in reply to: #135605 |
| Extreme Veteran 310 | Subject: wow! people, you rock i wanted to put your messages to refrigerator but after i printed them, i think i will need a bigger one first i want to tell how you are bunch of exceptionaly smart people with a big heart, , and i thank each one of you so much for your responces - everyone was 100% right like you know me in person - and i already feel so good second, what in earth made me think i am so unique that only i have that voice in back of my mind telling nah this nah that? well i was thinking a long before i finally decided to post my question and i am so, so glad i did! i'm going to let my heart be my trainer for now on - dear people, you gave me totaly new mindset: i asked 3-guys at their forum what is prerequisite to join them on their Sat training and they responded so nice - so now i have company for Sat, together with the 5K running league each Thurs where i proudly keep my (last) position, but first to anyone else - and in fact they invited me to join their running club! trail is is so nice, it is one circle between 2 bridges, and near one side of the river is the hippodrom so i can watch the hoarses...and it is during the sunset....river wind.....so niiiccceee i met sooo kind people there, including my rowing coach!! YES! yesterday it was my first rowing session, after 20 years of wishing it!! finaly! i'm so happy. and i have another session tomorow, can't wait! so my achievable goals are to attend to these 4 things i mentioned + some swimming (as you can see now, i am deeply in love with water) and to find a joy first, no plans for events anymore - here we don't have to sign months in advance, couple days are enough (and the fees are affordable) - i let go, first 3 wil come by itself- what a relief! my support system - i don't mind talkin about them, Tania: in fact it is so funny - my friends think i am some kind of sports goddes, they admire me for going to swimming pool once a week LOL! i don't even try to expain them, they don't get it. 2 of them count on my help with swimming. my DBF really understands me. he decided to join the gym and he wants me to coach him, he trusts my knoledge. i helped him lose 20kg in the past (without excercise), but he got it all back and more, now he decided to do it again but this time with excecise. |
| 2005-03-31 10:26 AM in reply to: #136080 |
| Elite Veteran 1817 Cedar Rapids, Iowa | Subject: RE: wow! people, you rock I cannot believe how much better you sound than your first post! See what a little support and positive talk can do? From now on when you start to play one of your pre-programmed negative tapes in your head, you should have one of your favorite posts that you have gotten here ready to replace it! Sounds like you put a lot of pressure on yourself and when you can get yourself to let some of that go (anything with a deadline), you can soar! Enjoy yourself and keep posting! |
| 2005-03-31 11:06 AM in reply to: #136068 |
| Champion 5495 Whizzzzzlandia Silver member | Subject: RE: why am i ashamed - help pls Heck, in my first Turkey Trot 5K I got passed by a Pilgrim, and Indian AND THE TURKEY!!!! Seriously... some dude in a turkey suit! But I finished!!! And I've been getting better (albeit slowly!) Ever since... Now I think I could probably out run the turkey. Edited by Whizzer 2005-03-31 11:07 AM |
| 2005-03-31 11:26 AM in reply to: #136180 |
| Elite Veteran 1817 Cedar Rapids, Iowa | Subject: RE: why am i ashamed - help pls Whizzer - 2005-03-31 11:06 AM Heck, in my first Turkey Trot 5K I got passed by a Pilgrim, and Indian AND THE TURKEY!!!! Seriously... some dude in a turkey suit! But I finished!!! And I've been getting better (albeit slowly!) Ever since... Now I think I could probably out run the turkey. Thanks, Whizzer - that can't have been easy to admit. I'll chime in with my two worst "passes" - in a 5K a lady who HAD to be 65 at least, running with her I assume granddaughter about 13 or 14 and the grandma going to the girl "let me know if you want to slow down honey - we can slow down any time" and they both just flew by me. And in an 8K passed by a woman with a baby jogger, and the kid was NO baby - must have been like 5! Yikes! |
| 2005-04-01 2:13 AM in reply to: #135605 |
| Extreme Veteran 310 | Subject: i am happy now, but... ok. i solved shame issue with your help. now (already) i realize it is not easy to put together achievable goal at all. i already see i should step back, step back, step back. but this time i won't let everything fall apart like before, i will ask questions and keep trying. i'm contemplating naming my blog. Thanks for huge support! |
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