login
Stupid things people say, vs. 2.0
-
No new posts
|
 2005-08-04 7:35 AM |
Master  1889     Ann Arbor, MI |  Subject: Stupid things people say, vs. 2.0Apparently my friends new boyfriend does not want her to see me anymore because I am a liar. He looked at me and told her that I could not be really doing all the training I say I am doing because I am so "fat". I am not sure what to say about that. My gut reaction is to kick him. Then I thought I would take him out on a five mile run and show him I am working hard. Then I decided that I don't like him enough to want to be with him that long (I had an open mind but I just am not a fan. He is pretty controlling of her. I am trying to be a big girl about it and I am NOT telling her what I think because it is her life. Fortunatly she does not read this forum). I just decided to let my friend decide if I am telling the truth or not based on our long standing friendship and it does not matter what he thinks.. Well that is what I am telling myself. Right now I am pretty irritated that he would 1. make an accusation like that. 2. tell her who she can and cannot be friends with. 3. There is a little irritation because on one level.. well if the weight is not coming off??? Am I dreaming this? I know I am working hard but read about people whose weight just "fell off" and wonder what I am doing wrong? She is going through some bad stuff right now and I want to support her and be there for her but I don't want to see him. He does not want her seeing me unless he is there. I have to say all my red flags are going up but this is NOT my relationship and heavens knows I have been wrong before. Thanks for listening. Thoughts welcome. PC optional. |
| 2005-08-04 7:47 AM in reply to: #215938 |
Veteran 277 Spartanburg | Subject: RE: Stupid things people say, vs. 2.0 If you were my friend, and he were my boyfriend...and he said sh!t like that to you .... MY gut reaction would be to kick him as well... Right to the curb.. I mean, i've wondered if people have THOUGHT stuff like that about me...but no ones ever SAID that stuff....GEEZ!!! what an a$$.... your friend needs rescued....FOR real. |
| 2005-08-04 7:54 AM in reply to: #215948 |
Master 1889 Ann Arbor, MI | Subject: RE: Stupid things people say, vs. 2.0 Jiggies - 2005-08-04 8:47 AM If you were my friend, and he were my boyfriend...and he said sh!t like that to you .... MY gut reaction would be to kick him as well... Right to the curb.. I mean, i've wondered if people have THOUGHT stuff like that about me...but no ones ever SAID that stuff....GEEZ!!! what an a$$.... your friend needs rescued....FOR real. If I thought that I could rescue her I might. I also might not. If she was in danger I sure would! But sometimes we gotta let people do what they need to do and just be there later. Right now if I told her my reservations she would not listen. She is not in a place she can hear. He is entitled to think what he needs to about me too. The fact he voiced it is... well hurtful and that she told me seems like a test of some kind but I am not sure what the right answers are to the test and I am not sure if I am ready to pass it right now. I am not sure "passing it" would help anyone in the end anyway. Besides. What if I am wrong and this was just some sort of lapse and he is just looking out for her because he really believes he is protecting her? I would hate to tell her something negative and make a bad judgement call about her future happiness. To say this is a sticky situation is a great understatement. |
| 2005-08-04 8:11 AM in reply to: #215938 |
Expert 1065 Montreal | Subject: RE: Stupid things people say, vs. 2.0 Let it go. People believe what they want to. I remember a client of mine who does tri's with his wife telling me that when I go on my first tri I won't believe the variations in body type. He said most of the men look like what you would expect but that the variation among the women was from stick figure to great mother earth and any one of them could be finishing before you. That is something I have kept in mind as I have watched my a$$ get kicked in road races varying in length from 10K to 50K by men and women who from appearances I thought couldn't be as fit as I am. I have learned that among recreational athletes there is no specific "body type" and anyone who is involved in any competative sport beyond high school learns the same thing pretty quick. |
 2005-08-04 8:27 AM in reply to: #215938 |
| Subject: ... This user's post has been ignored. |
| 2005-08-04 8:28 AM in reply to: #215973 |
| Master 1889 Ann Arbor, MI | Subject: RE: Stupid things people say, vs. 2.0 Some of the fastest runners I have ever met are Clydes. You speak truth Wookie  |
| 2005-08-04 8:28 AM in reply to: #215990 |
| Master 1889 Ann Arbor, MI | Subject: RE: Stupid things people say, vs. 2.0 Chris Tree - 2005-08-04 9:27 AM ' Ignorant f8ck3r - oops got the wrong keys! Darn (200mile cycling, 50miles running, 10k swimming-and thats just July) fat fingers You cannot spot reduce... lol |
| 2005-08-04 8:28 AM in reply to: #215948 |
| Subject: ... This user's post has been ignored. |
| 2005-08-04 8:32 AM in reply to: #215994 |
| Master 1889 Ann Arbor, MI | Subject: RE: Stupid things people say, vs. 2.0 Chris Tree - 2005-08-04 9:28 AM Jiggies - 2005-08-04 12:47 PM If you were my friend, and he were my boyfriend...and he said sh!t like that to you .... MY gut reaction would be to kick him as well... Right to the curb.. I mean, i've wondered if people have THOUGHT stuff like that about me...but no ones ever SAID that stuff....GEEZ!!! what an a$$.... your friend needs rescued....FOR real. Ditto, not that i'd have a boyfreind mind! Not that I can even spell boyfriend!!!LOL - Darn I before E rule! yeah and if I had not been in horrible relationships with jerks before I would probably speak my peace and let the chips fall but I have and I was not capable of listening at all. Plus I might just be wrong about this guy. I don't think so, but some things you can be wrong to your friends about and telling them they are in a bad relationship is not one of them. If you are wrong and they go on to marry the dude and have kids etc then you probably lost a friend. |
| 2005-08-04 8:40 AM in reply to: #215938 |
| Subject: RE: Stupid things people say, vs. 2.0 What immediately pops into my head is that he sounds like the kind of guy who's 1. filled with sterotypical ideas of what an athlete looks like and 2. likes to control women and probably finds you - and your tri work - intimidating so he's gotta cut you down - attacking both your integrity and your physical appearance. Cheap, weakling, lame shots if you ask me. Sounds like a jerk! I agree with you that sometimes you just gotta let friends do what they are going to do. I've had a similar situation and just focused on my friendship with my longtime girlfriend and avoided her husband as much as possible. After several years now he's finally realized that I'm a consistant, supportive friend to his wife and he's become pretty accepting. Not a perfect realtionship, but better than nothing. You don't have to prove anything to him - just keep on with your thing and eventually he will have to deal with the reality.  |
| 2005-08-04 8:45 AM in reply to: #215938 |
| Subject: ... This user's post has been ignored. |
| 2005-08-04 8:58 AM in reply to: #215938 |
| Extreme Veteran 456 Western Massachusetts | Subject: RE: Stupid things people say, vs. 2.0 nliedel - 2005-08-04 8:35 AMApparently my friends new boyfriend does not want her to see me anymore because I am a liar. He looked at me and told her that I could not be really doing all the training I say I am doing because I am so "fat". Warning, warning! Your friend told you this. It is filtered through her. Why did she tell you this? Is she trying to enlist you to trash her new boyfriend? Be careful, because if you do then you're on the outs with her when she stays with him. Is she telling you this because she secretly agrees? Or because she's pissed at you for finding a new hobby that she isn't included in and wants to bring you down and so is parrotting an offhand comment he made into a bigger deal to tweak you? But even if he did say that, and believes it, lots of people - men - don't understand the concept of a mediocre athlete, much less a back of pack athlete. I've been in a long conversation with a toxic "friend" about how I can't really be an athlete, let alone a triathlete, because I'm such a plodder. Finishing in the top half at Danskin didn't change his opinion. (I'm not a proctologist and I'm not going to be able to fix him.) This may be the first time your friend's boyfriend has been introduced to the concept. It's okay if he doesn't warm to it on contact. I'm more worried about why your friend TOLD you this crap. A comment from her boyfriend to her ought to have stayed with her. You don't belong in the middle of whatever that is about. 3. There is a little irritation because on one level.. well if the weight is not coming off??? Am I dreaming this? I know I am working hard but read about people whose weight just "fell off" and wonder what I am doing wrong? You and me both, girl. I know the answer to this but I don't want to do what it takes. I'm going to get through August, this tri season, and then I'll take this over to "Tri-ing for Weightloss" and maybe we can tough-love each other into kicking some actual butt. Gwendal |
| 2005-08-04 9:03 AM in reply to: #215938 |
molto veloce mama 9311  | Subject: RE: Stupid things people say, vs. 2.0 jerk. as wookie said before, triathletes - athletes in general - come in all shapes and sizes. if this guy had ever competed in even a 5k, he would know that. try and let it go...or stash it in your 'negative motivation' category. positive motivation ('i am strong, i am fast, i can do this!') is best, but there are moments when a little negativity can get us moving. other than that, just let it go. most of my friends don't understand why i'm doing this, so i just avoid the subject around them. |
| 2005-08-04 9:07 AM in reply to: #216040 |
| Master 1889 Ann Arbor, MI | Subject: RE: Stupid things people say, vs. 2.0 Gwendal - 2005-08-04 9:58 AM nliedel - 2005-08-04 8:35 AMApparently my friends new boyfriend does not want her to see me anymore because I am a liar. He looked at me and told her that I could not be really doing all the training I say I am doing because I am so "fat". Warning, warning! Your friend told you this. It is filtered through her. Why did she tell you this? Is she trying to enlist you to trash her new boyfriend? Be careful, because if you do then you're on the outs with her when she stays with him. Is she telling you this because she secretly agrees? Or because she's pissed at you for finding a new hobby that she isn't included in and wants to bring you down and so is parrotting an offhand comment he made into a bigger deal to tweak you? But even if he did say that, and believes it, lots of people - men - don't understand the concept of a mediocre athlete, much less a back of pack athlete. I've been in a long conversation with a toxic "friend" about how I can't really be an athlete, let alone a triathlete, because I'm such a plodder. Finishing in the top half at Danskin didn't change his opinion. (I'm not a proctologist and I'm not going to be able to fix him.) This may be the first time your friend's boyfriend has been introduced to the concept. It's okay if he doesn't warm to it on contact. I'm more worried about why your friend TOLD you this crap. A comment from her boyfriend to her ought to have stayed with her. You don't belong in the middle of whatever that is about. 3. There is a little irritation because on one level.. well if the weight is not coming off??? Am I dreaming this? I know I am working hard but read about people whose weight just "fell off" and wonder what I am doing wrong? You and me both, girl. I know the answer to this but I don't want to do what it takes. I'm going to get through August, this tri season, and then I'll take this over to "Tri-ing for Weightloss" and maybe we can tough-love each other into kicking some actual butt. Gwendal I figure she told me this for a couple reasons and I am not sure which yet. There are other possibilities out there but these three stand out. 1. "I think he is a jerk and I want you to tell me that so it gets into my thick skull" This is DANGEROUS territory because if it is not one and I think it is and say something then I blew it. 2. "Do you really support me or are you just saying you support me? If he is a jerk will you still love me?" This is a strong possibility. Of course I will still love her but if he is around all the time I may see less of her. 3. She tells me EVERYTHING and this just came out because she always complains about things to me cause she knows I listen. I think this is a strong possibilty too. It would be like her to just blurt this out without thinking it through. Since I do stuff like that I can hardly jump her case for doing it to me. I am fairly confident it is not jealousy or her doubting me cause if it was she would come out and say it. She and I have always been able to talk about just about anything. I have stayed out of her love life cause she will complain about he partners but if you agree she will then praise them to the skies so I just don't go there. Since we have ridden our bikes together a lot I am not sure she is jealous. She hates running and swimming so we just ride once in a while. |
| 2005-08-04 9:13 AM in reply to: #215938 |
| Buttercup 14334 | Subject: RE: Stupid things people say, vs. 2.0 Comments I would make to her if she were my "friend":
Good luck with your friend. Her relationship sounds toxic. |
| 2005-08-04 9:18 AM in reply to: #216060 |
| Master 1889 Ann Arbor, MI | Subject: RE: Stupid things people say, vs. 2.0 Renee - 2005-08-04 10:13 AM Comments I would make to her if she were my "friend":
Good luck with your friend. Her relationship sounds toxic. Well like I said, I could be badly wrong about this and if I am, I just want to walk carefully. I did tell her that whether or not he wanted her to see me it was her choice and let it go. While his crack did initially make me question the weight not coming off overall it does not bother me. He is entitled to believe that I am not putting in the miles and if he needs to believe that to make it through the day it says a lot of things about him but nothing about me and what Ia m doing. She can tell me what he says because I would rather know how he feels about me up front. Although he would me honorable if he questioned me directly. Edited by nliedel 2005-08-04 9:21 AM |
| 2005-08-04 9:18 AM in reply to: #215938 |
| Extreme Veteran 371 Montreal | Subject: RE: Stupid things people say, vs. 2.0 nliedel - 2005-08-04 8:35 AM He does not want her seeing me unless he is there. Who does he think he is? It always baffles me when an adult thinks he's allowed to say such a thing to another adult? From the very limited info we have, this sure does sound like psychological abuse. |
| 2005-08-04 9:20 AM in reply to: #216065 |
Resident Curmudgeon 25290 The Road Back Gold member | Subject: RE: Stupid things people say, vs. 2.0 p4406 - 2005-08-04 8:18 AM nliedel - 2005-08-04 8:35 AM He does not want her seeing me unless he is there. Who does he think he is? It always baffles me when an adult thinks he's allowed to say such a thing to another adult? Or that another adult would even consider "obeying" such a request. |
| 2005-08-04 9:23 AM in reply to: #216069 |
| Master 1889 Ann Arbor, MI | Subject: RE: Stupid things people say, vs. 2.0 the bear - 2005-08-04 10:20 AM p4406 - 2005-08-04 8:18 AM nliedel - 2005-08-04 8:35 AM He does not want her seeing me unless he is there. Who does he think he is? It always baffles me when an adult thinks he's allowed to say such a thing to another adult? Or that another adult would even consider "obeying" such a request. Ding, DING, DING... we have a winner. People say stupid stuff all the time. I am a shining example of THAT! But when it comes to "you cannot go see ________________" well he met me a grand total of once. She even showed him my finishers medals and pile of race numbers (I cannot think about throwing them out but it is getting a little high on my dresser) so he has plenty of proof I am being honest and she ran a race with me in the spring (well she walked the 5K portion and I rant the 10 and it was FANTASTIC to have eachother there). I guess the thing I am wondering is what about me is such a threat that he feels he has to exclude me from her life and is he doing this to her other friends too? I am threading carefully here, more carefully than I normally do. I would ask a couple of mutual friends but I don't want to do that either. I don't want to gossip with our friends about it and maybe make this mess worse. So I am gossiping about it here. Well not gossiping cause you are all giving me food for thought. Edited by nliedel 2005-08-04 9:27 AM |
| 2005-08-04 9:24 AM in reply to: #215938 |
| Veteran 138 Aurora, CO | Subject: RE: Stupid things people say, vs. 2.0 nliedel - 2005-08-04 6:35 AM Apparently my friends new boyfriend does not want her to see me anymore because I am a liar. Thanks for listening. Thoughts welcome. PC optional. Well, honestly...... he sounds like a complete tool, and she would be a heck of a lot better off without him. Sometimes in life it's just easier to be single, hopefully she'll give it a shot. I have a friend who I went through with this about a year ago. She may distance herself from you for a bit, but she'll be back when she realizes that she needs friends like you. And as far as what the boyfriend said...... he's obviously insecure with his relationship with your friend. Anyone that truly cares for someone wants them to flourish and grow as a person, and that includes maintaining relationships with friends. So, basically...... he's a tool. |
| 2005-08-04 9:25 AM in reply to: #215938 |
| Master 2288 Katy, TX (West of Houston) | Subject: RE: Stupid things people say, vs. 2.0 Sounds like projection. I will tell you he is prolly jealous of your accomplishments. Just keep putting the miles in and let him look in the mirror and say those things to the one they belong to, himself. I hear it a lot from family (not my wife or kids), people at work and in my nieghborhood, "how can you think you can do this race when you look like that" or "why try when you will not win". I always ask these people to come to my races, not to watch me, but to see all the determined athletes that are doing way more than most folks. Only a few have come and watched. You are a TRIATHLETE and YOU KNOW IT!!!!!! |
| 2005-08-04 9:28 AM in reply to: #216077 |
| Master 1889 Ann Arbor, MI | Subject: RE: Stupid things people say, vs. 2.0 Freeswimmingfish - 2005-08-04 10:25 AM Sounds like projection. I will tell you he is prolly jealous of your accomplishments. Just keep putting the miles in and let him look in the mirror and say those things to the one they belong to, himself. I hear it a lot from family (not my wife or kids), people at work and in my nieghborhood, "how can you think you can do this race when you look like that" or "why try when you will not win". I always ask these people to come to my races, not to watch me, but to see all the determined athletes that are doing way more than most folks. Only a few have come and watched. You are a TRIATHLETE and YOU KNOW IT!!!!!! ' Snort.. Yes I am aren't I? Slow as a dog and happy in the back of the pack cause someone has to be last and the honor is all mine but it is a bit of an accomplishment isn't it? |
| 2005-08-04 9:40 AM in reply to: #216084 |
| Master 2288 Katy, TX (West of Houston) | Subject: RE: Stupid things people say, vs. 2.0 nliedel - 2005-08-04 8:28 AM Freeswimmingfish - 2005-08-04 10:25 AM Sounds like projection. I will tell you he is prolly jealous of your accomplishments. Just keep putting the miles in and let him look in the mirror and say those things to the one they belong to, himself. I hear it a lot from family (not my wife or kids), people at work and in my nieghborhood, "how can you think you can do this race when you look like that" or "why try when you will not win". I always ask these people to come to my races, not to watch me, but to see all the determined athletes that are doing way more than most folks. Only a few have come and watched. You are a TRIATHLETE and YOU KNOW IT!!!!!! ' Snort.. Yes I am aren't I? Slow as a dog and happy in the back of the pack cause someone has to be last and the honor is all mine but it is a bit of an accomplishment isn't it? You are right, someone has to be last. If it is you, well, enjoy your moment. Think how nice it will be when you give the gift of last to someone else. I have been last a few times. Someone at the park where I do my bricks told me once "If you lost weight, you might be really fast" as I passed them on the bike. I said loud "whatever" and decided I would lap them, an I did. |
| 2005-08-04 9:45 AM in reply to: #216110 |
| Master 1889 Ann Arbor, MI | Subject: RE: Stupid things people say, vs. 2.0 You know it is entirely possible, looking at this from another angle, that while she does not need someone telling her what to do she wants it right now. She has been the adult for a long time with a rather stressful situation in her life, which I will not go into, and has shouldered a great deal of responsibility. This relationship, as odd as I see it from the outside, might be what she needs for now. Just a thought. I only hope she is deeply happy. If Mr. "Your friend is fat" makes her happy then I guess I cannot say much about it other than she is welcome here anytime. Does that make sense or am I wrong? |
| 2005-08-04 9:47 AM in reply to: #216114 |
| Subject: ... This user's post has been ignored. |
|
|
|
|
View profile
Add to friends
Go to training log
Go to race log
Send a message
View album
CONNECT WITH FACEBOOK