WWCOJ do? Birth Control

take her to planned parenthood.

she is going to have sex anyway, at least let her be protected. 

Depending on the state that she is in, IF she were to get pregnant, she would be considered emancipated for those decisions so I am a believer in preventing getting to that point.

at least she confided in you now help her make responsible decisions

My daughters, who are as pure as the virgin snow and as innocent as lambs, are both on the pill. For, ummm, dysmenorhea (bad PMS) - yeah, that's it.

In other words, sometimes, a parent needs a fig leaf to remain in some denial while having a good reason to start contraceptives. Maybe if your neice starts to complain about bad cramps, or you point out moodiness to your sister, she can use the PMS as an excuse to get started. Otherwise, you have to do the calculus - which would be a bigger problem - your niece becoming pregnant or your sister finding out you took her daughter to planned parenthood?

A kid (and at 14, she is a kid) who thinks that OCP comes OTC - and yet hasn't bought any for herself- is clearly not reasoning the situation all the way through. And is at high risk for pregnancy (not to mention STD's).

I think you should tell the mom. Her relationship with her daughter is more important than yours. She could possibly handle it without letting on that you told but even if she doesn't it gives them the chance to begin something special.

Just my humble opinion.

I tend to side with gearboy on this one.

I am making an assumption and huge leap that the parents, well to put it bluntly, are really bad. They don't seem to want to face the reality of what the the world is like today. I know parents are the final say in your niece's well being, BUT...

I think gearboy's idea to manipulate the situation for a good outcome is your best option. But this is a GOOD manipulation. You are not doing it to benefit yourself (ok, maybe a little to save your relationship with niece). You are doing it to keep a kid from doing something really stupid that has the potential to seriously impact their life for twenty years or more. You might talk to an OB/GYN to see what other "medical reasons" for giving niece BCP.

Telling the mom niece is sexually active: I think this is a bad option and it will most likely kill your relationship with your niece. This may or may not get her the BCP she should have and will result most likely niece being locked in her room forever.

Taking niece to PPH is equally as bad a decision. There is no way this will remain quiet. I see mom in the future finding pills in the bathroom or a drawer or during an argument using the trips to PPH as a sword to show mom is bad parent.

truth = bad outcome (everyone is angry)

lying = bad outcome (everyone is angry again)

manipulation = not such a bad outcome, mom will think she is great parent helping her kid, you keep trust of kid, dad is ignorant to everything. this MAY blow up as well as but at least has a chance to succeed.

best o luck,

I admire what you are doing.

Take her to PP -- if she is having sex, she needs to be protected. Explain to her that the pill does not protect against HIV and other STDs. Your neice's health is top priority and it sounds like Mom isn't willing to accept that her daughter was/ is having sex.

Good luck (())

These are not completely unrelated. If her relationship with her parents is poor, she may well use sexual relationships as a substitute. If, as was pointed out by others, the parents find the pill, or condoms, they may well decide to ground her for life. Which never really works out, instead driving the kid more to the relationship that she needs to be using the contraception for. But now with less access. And in the end, running the risk of pregnancy (which, may at that point, not be unwanted).

I really, really feel for you.

I have been in your position, and I have been in your niece's position, but with far fewer options.

Sometimes there isn't a right or wrong answer or an ideal path. I think whatever you choose to do, that IS the right path because you've done it with the right motives and the most important person here in your mind--your niece.

I would not be afraid to take a few days to make a decision.

Asking for counsel--and no one ought make fun of what you find in CoJ, because it is a treasure trove of kind, intelligent, experienced people--is good.

I think prayer, or if you prefer, some kind of meditation or reflection, is good.

I think writing out your options in a structured way is good.

I think forgetting about it all and sleeping on it is good.

You may not come to a clear decision, but after all that, you know you gave it your best. And that's what makes it the right decision for you as the decider. Not what happens afterward. That is out of your hands.

You don't have a good relationship with your SIL (not because you haven't held up your end). You DO have a good relationship with your niece.

There's not a lot on the line as far as your SIL is concerned. You've already had the "good long talk" with her and done your part.

There's an awful lot on the line as far as your niece is concerned, both in terms of your relationship, her life, her needs, her health.

Couple of logistical questions: would she be able, and would PP take her, on her own? Sure it'd be awesome if you could/would, to be there for her, but is her going independently a possibility?

Gutsy post LittleCat, but needed to be made.  How many others have been in this position?  I'm betting a lot.  

So sad.  The girl in the original post needs to get to Planned Parenthood a.s.a.p. (in my opinion of course)

Good luck.

X2 and honestly it sounds like she is manipulating you a little bit to me. Kids are good at that. Whatever you think of their parenting skills she is their daughter. If I found out one of my relatives took my child to PP to get on the pill without my knowledge there would be serious issues in our family. Your niece is attempting to cross the line (in my opinion) from having you as someone to confide in to someone who is her conspirator.

Wow, tough situation.  My first plan would be to attempt to persuade your niece to tell her mother.  If the whole reason that her mom won't take her to get birth control is because she doesn't believe she is sexually active, then that should do it.  I would not be comfortable going behind mom's back.  What would happen if you told the niece you will take her to PP but not until she tells her mom that you are taking her?  I don't see a happy ending to this story if you take her without mom's knowledge or if you take her with mom's knowledge.  I will also speak out in support of Gearboy's suggestion.  At what age can girls get birth control without their parents' permission?  I really think I would try to put pressure on your niece to bring her mom on board somehow.

I understand the feeling that the worst possible outcome is pregnancy for the girl.  But what about other consequences? If I read the OP correctly, the girl lives with an alcoholic father.  Is there violence involved?  What would happen if a drunk father found her birth control pills etc?  Has the girl spoken to her school counselor about this?  I just don't know.  I am sorry for the OP.  Bad position to be in.

GREAT posts, EVERYONE, really.

Gearboy, you're one smart dad.  I harken back to when my mom, a daughter of the '50s told me and my friends how she didn't blv anyone was a virgin anymore when they got married and if I was going to have sex to get on the pill.  I was 16.  At the time I was all "EWWWW, Mooooomm!!!"  My friends who were present, till this day, were like, "wow, you're mom was right on, mine fig'd we held hands till the altar"

I digress.

Yanti, you are so right, a treasure trove we do have here.  While I often "agree to disagree" I think most triathletes have a common thread, so I figured why not ask here!

I have been "(losing)sleeping" on it, if you will.

MalGal got it right. (No violence, although verbal abuse when dad is drunk) There is such a constellation of problems here.  This isn't just a "normal" teenager thinking, "Hmm, I'm 'thinking' of having sex and afraid to go to my otherwise good relationship mom."  This is a girl with a 1.7 GPA, currently going to Al-Anon once a week, in a peer counseling group 1x a week at school, sees her school counselor, has a teacher mentor at school. 

It's so sad, my niece blames Mom for not getting her out of the alcoholic family and still delusionally believes mom will leave, but Mom won't leave.  Who else can she blame for her miserable life.  And my brother won't leave, I mean SIL continues to give him permission to get wasted every day of his life till he kills himself

That said, I do think I have an obligation to try one more time, in a very veiled way to ask Mom if she's contacted the counselor I recommended and if she ever followed up on my suggestion to take her to an OBGYN and kind of see where it goes.

COJ rocks!

YOU rock.

You've gone to great lengths and stood in the gap for a young lady who is in a world of trouble.

You're a brilliant, confident woman who also understands the strength in humility and you have been asking for counsel. (I do not do this well, so I very much admire it).

When you first broke this all on CoJ, your family was very much in my prayers. You, your niece and her parents will be renewed in my best thoughts.

{Melon Press}

When I was a teenager, we could go to PP by ourselves. Sometimes we went with a friend. Is that no longer an option? I was lucky that my dad did take me to the GYN when I was 16 and I went on the pill for "mood control", so all was out in the open but not.

But it was not common at all for my friends to be open with their parents about these things. They went to PP on their own. One friend had an abortion on her own. Had to get to the town 45 minutes away to get it done, paid for it herself, etc. Only issue that almost blew her cover was a bill coming to the house that she luckily intercepted as she got the mail every day before her parents came home.

It's always better to have parents that want to be involved and to help guide teens through these issues, but that can't always happen. Perhaps if this girl knows she can go to PP by herself, she at least is more aware of all of her options.

I wish so desperately that we could stop her from going down the sex=love path. It's such a terrible way of going through early adulthood. To me, THAT is the worst-case scenario, as it takes years to heal from that and to learn and believe that you have value to men outside of your sex appeal.

I agree with this big time.  You need to convince the neice to tell her parents, including the threat that you will tell if she won't.  You can explain to her why you would prefer her to do it, but also why you have the responsibility to do it if she won't (for her own good).  Messaging will be important, as neice will likely feel betrayed and like she's being punished for having sex... but I suspect that in time she will realize why you did what you did, and that it was out of love for her.

She is so very fortunate to have someone like you in her life. Good luck.