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2014-03-28 10:32 AM
in reply to: Kido

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Subject: RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?

Originally posted by Kido

Originally posted by Aarondb4

I'll bite. 

Why have the separate accounts at all then? Is it really just the inconvenience of opening a joint account and changing the online bills? Or is there a feeling of independence knowing if all he*l breaks loose you have your own account? Is it so the other person doesn't see every little spending indiscretion? 

Just wondering out loud. LB and his wife seem to be very separate in their accounts, ie not a lot of transferring a couple thousand back and forth, no both names on the accounts and such. Your situation as you say sounds more "our money in different places" mentality. Just wonder the reason for separate places if it is really "our" money. 

I can think of several reasons.  First, I bought the house and pay for my car and lots of other stuff automatically from my account prior to our marriage.  I even got some breaks (The bank I got the mortgage from cut a half point or something IF I also had an account with them that I electronically deposited my paycheck in).  Same with her.  Too lazy to change I guess?  First thing we did is add each other to our existing accounts, 401k's, added her to the house title when we re-fi'ed, and added each other as beneficiaries.  Mostly so the other person could get at it if we get hit by a bus.

Also, she is self employed and incorporated.  So she has a corporate account AND her personal account that she "pays" herself from (the clients pay her corporation, then her corporation pays her).  This was strongly suggested to us by our tax accountant to both help identify company expenses and write-offs, and get tax breaks.  It also protects our personal assets if there is a corporate problem.

For us, it's a really simple way to identify business expenses (paid from her corporate account), and personal expenses.  We can give our accountant her corporate ledger and he works his magic.  We can also easily identify all home improvement costs from her personal account, and mortgage and insurance from mine.  We are even allowed to write off a portion of entertainment costs since she is in the business and it can be considered research or career development.  So again, it's a much easier way to keep things organized than if EVERY item we paid for for an entire year was coming out of one account.

As for a "separation"?  First of all.  Not going to happen as far as I can tell.  Second?  Separate accounts don't mean squat if it came to it.  You both have to list all your assets (and liabilities) and then they get divided for you if you can't come to an agreement.  So separate accounts don't offer any kind of protection or independence.

It's really just a game of tax breaks, airline miles, credit card points, and organization.  No deep psychological meaning behind it.  Maybe some feel that if it's not a joint account it's not "open" to the other that they are keeping secrets.  That's not us though.  Like I said earlier, I we trust each other to not harm "us".  And as for spending indiscretions?  They either don't happen or I don't CARE if she has an indiscretion.  She gets yet another pair of boots?  Who cares?  It's not an indiscretion unless it does harm.  So far, that hasn't happened and I we trust each other that we wouldn't let it happen.  Maybe we are foolish to trust each other so much?  I figured that's what married people do.  I COULD be a closet gambler and she would never know unless they took the house for missed payments!

Sounds good, was really just curious. Sounds like you guys have a lot of good reasons to do things the way you do, great that it works so well.

I could go either way (separate or joint) but my wife prefers joint and i don't mind handling the money so it is easier to just have it in one place. We talked about this last night and she really likes to be involved if I make a purchase or likes to get my input before she buys something. We did decide to try a small "allowance" for both of us (starting at $50 a month) that we can just blow on whatever we feel like no questions asked. We really came to the conclusion that it would do more to relieve the personal guilt of buying something for ourselves than it would escape criticism or judgement of the other person.

Fun to read all the different approaches to finances, definitely no one right way to do it. 



2014-03-28 10:48 AM
in reply to: lisac957

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Subject: RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?
I kept my last name and we have separate checking accounts, and it never occurred to me to do otherwise...it just was the natural thing for us to do. We opened a joint savings account after we got married to save for a down payment on a house -- we each contribute an amount to that account monthly. I make more money, so I put in a higher ratio. He pays the rent and his law school loan payment, and I pay for everything else. Otherwise, we pretty much do whatever we want with our money. I will say we're lucky to have financial flexibility, although the cost of living is really high in DC so we're pretty careful people.

I'm always interested in hearing about choices other couples make, because it becomes so clear that there's no right answer, other than effective communication with your spouse.
2014-03-28 10:56 AM
in reply to: meggfishy

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Subject: RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?

Originally posted by meggfishy I kept my last name and we have separate checking accounts, and it never occurred to me to do otherwise...it just was the natural thing for us to do. We opened a joint savings account after we got married to save for a down payment on a house -- we each contribute an amount to that account monthly. I make more money, so I put in a higher ratio. He pays the rent and his law school loan payment, and I pay for everything else. Otherwise, we pretty much do whatever we want with our money. I will say we're lucky to have financial flexibility, although the cost of living is really high in DC so we're pretty careful people. I'm always interested in hearing about choices other couples make, because it becomes so clear that there's no right answer, other than effective communication with your spouse.

Indeed. I brought this topic up with my wife and shared some of the scenarios that were talked about here. It was very interesting to hear her personal take on each situation, he take was very different from mine in some situations. She has some feelings about money that would have never occurred to me. Definitely makes the communicating and figuring it out for yourselves that much more important. 

2014-03-28 12:05 PM
in reply to: Aarondb4

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Subject: RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?
My wife gives me $8 at the beginning of every month to spend as I please. Little does she know that I save up the empty soda cans from the trash and sell them at the recycling place. Last month I squandered away $11.87 without her knowing about it.
2014-03-28 12:22 PM
in reply to: mehaner

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Subject: RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?

Originally posted by mehaner

Originally posted by ChineseDemocracy
Originally posted by Kido

This will REALLY blow some minds.  She still hasn't taken my last name yet.  GASP!!!!!!!  She has her name that she has marketed herself as for her corporation and there is no real reason to change it.  When/if we have kids?  Things may change.  And on some documents, it's hyphenated.  But it really doesn't matter legally and doesn't change how we feel about each other.  But yet, many people, including some of my family, think there's something very wrong with that and not following the tradition.  Her father also didn't "give her away" and I didn't "take" her.  She a person, not a plant - no need to perpetuate dated traditions, IMO.  It all kind of goes together.

Maybe a little off-topic, but I just wanted to say the "not name-change" makes sense in your case. If you've got an established brand, and it's part of your livelihood, that just makes sense. Keeping that window open if/when you have kids like you said Kido makes perfect sense to me.

she shouldn't need a reason or justification for this, however.  i don't know why a woman changing her name or not impacts anyone in the world besides her.  i'm not a bra-burner and DID change my name when i married (more because i dislike father than because i am my husband's property) but my friends are pretty much 50/50 and some of them had no reason besides "it is a pain in the a-- to do it" and they are right and that is a fine reason.

Ooooh, yeah. I don't see why it needs to "make sense" for a woman to change or not change a name. For the record, I didn't change my name, and I don't  know if it's my area or what but keeping your name is pretty common in these parts. I would say maybe 75% of my married female friends have either kept their names or hyphenate them. I have found that on mail - especially wedding invitations - I get addressed as Doxie Husband's Last Name. Although when we got married, I booked our honeymoon and the resort addressed us as Mr and Mrs Doxie Last Name, which we both found super funny.

We have mine/yours/ours accounts.We get a set amount into our personal accts each month and then the rest goes into the joint, and all bills are paid out of that. Our situation seems to be different than what other people are describing - we tell each other about every purchase - except groceries & target - that comes out of the joint acct. That's not to be mistaken for asking permission. But we tell each other everything money related - like a few days ago I tried to buy Lolla tix ($200 for the pair) and I told him. And then I went to the library and paid my 40 cent overdue fee and I told  him that too. Probably in the $100 range is where either of us will ask if the other agrees if a purchase works with our budget.

2014-03-28 3:01 PM
in reply to: doxie

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Subject: RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?
Originally posted by doxie

Originally posted by mehaner

Originally posted by ChineseDemocracy
Originally posted by Kido

This will REALLY blow some minds.  She still hasn't taken my last name yet.  GASP!!!!!!!  She has her name that she has marketed herself as for her corporation and there is no real reason to change it.  When/if we have kids?  Things may change.  And on some documents, it's hyphenated.  But it really doesn't matter legally and doesn't change how we feel about each other.  But yet, many people, including some of my family, think there's something very wrong with that and not following the tradition.  Her father also didn't "give her away" and I didn't "take" her.  She a person, not a plant - no need to perpetuate dated traditions, IMO.  It all kind of goes together.

Maybe a little off-topic, but I just wanted to say the "not name-change" makes sense in your case. If you've got an established brand, and it's part of your livelihood, that just makes sense. Keeping that window open if/when you have kids like you said Kido makes perfect sense to me.

she shouldn't need a reason or justification for this, however.  i don't know why a woman changing her name or not impacts anyone in the world besides her.  i'm not a bra-burner and DID change my name when i married (more because i dislike father than because i am my husband's property) but my friends are pretty much 50/50 and some of them had no reason besides "it is a pain in the a-- to do it" and they are right and that is a fine reason.

Ooooh, yeah. I don't see why it needs to "make sense" for a woman to change or not change a name. For the record, I didn't change my name, and I don't  know if it's my area or what but keeping your name is pretty common in these parts. I would say maybe 75% of my married female friends have either kept their names or hyphenate them. I have found that on mail - especially wedding invitations - I get addressed as Doxie Husband's Last Name. Although when we got married, I booked our honeymoon and the resort addressed us as Mr and Mrs Doxie Last Name, which we both found super funny.

We have mine/yours/ours accounts.We get a set amount into our personal accts each month and then the rest goes into the joint, and all bills are paid out of that. Our situation seems to be different than what other people are describing - we tell each other about every purchase - except groceries & target - that comes out of the joint acct. That's not to be mistaken for asking permission. But we tell each other everything money related - like a few days ago I tried to buy Lolla tix ($200 for the pair) and I told him. And then I went to the library and paid my 40 cent overdue fee and I told  him that too. Probably in the $100 range is where either of us will ask if the other agrees if a purchase works with our budget.




Yup, as if I said it "had to" make sense. (I didn't)
I have found that a lot of folks get a little defensive about the whole name change issue. (as seen in this brief amount of time)
I really could care less. (really)
I guess I could be found on the more traditional side of the married name "issue."
Some folks dig the bride being hyphenated or last name unchanged. Personally, I think it's pretty cool for a mom to have the same last name as her kid/s. Others could care less. Different strokes for different folks.



2014-03-28 3:20 PM
in reply to: doxie

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Subject: RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?

We use the "if someone asks for Mr. MMROCKER, we know they are spammers" test quite often.

I love my last name. I felt no need to change it. I told DH he could change his to mine, if he wanted, when we got married...he said no. His loss. :D

 

2014-03-28 3:27 PM
in reply to: ChineseDemocracy

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Subject: RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?

An interesting take on the family name thing.  My wife changed her name when we married. It was a long time ago and almost no one did it differently back then.  She now manages her family's charitable trust.  Every grant recipient wants a photo in the paper receiving their check.  They call and ask her if a family member can come for the picture instead of her.  They mean her sister-in-law with the right last name but wrong gene pool.  It annoys her no end.

TW

2014-03-28 8:58 PM
in reply to: tech_geezer

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Subject: RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?

I was asked if I was going to go back to my maiden name after the divorce(his mom told me I should, although she didn't after her divorce)  and it really never occurred to me to do that. Three of our four kids still live here and have my name and I have a great network of friends that support me AS I AM.  My grandson is here as well and I really see no reason to switch names.  Someday it may be awkward if he remarries (may be sooner rather than later) but until then I am still Mrs. M.  Besides my maiden name is long and hard to pronounce so I would have to spell it out EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!!!  

2014-03-28 10:28 PM
in reply to: BAMBAM66

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Subject: RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?
Sorry to hijack your name change hijack.

$50-70 for my household. I tried to purchase a computer hard drive for $70, but it was shot down

I would rate savings an 8/10 on our priority scale. Living comfortably is about a 6 or 7. I.e. we have a nice apartment and drive a car. Since we don't earn much in salary, there isn't much left for discretionary spending.
2014-03-29 5:51 AM
in reply to: lisac957

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Subject: RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?
Dad always told me to NEVER let the wife have control of the money. My mother likes to spend and my dad coming from a farming background as a kid tends nots too. Now I didn't listen to dad though so the wife and I will usually discuss anything over 200 dollars. I started a sock drawer fund to help pay for my next bike. She has no idea I started it...or at least I don't think she does... So one day in spring of 2015 I'm going to whip out a wad a cash and trade in and buy my new tri bike...we will see how that goes. I figure if I can sneak 20-30 bucks every week here and there she won't notice. Lol!


2014-03-29 4:29 PM
in reply to: SevenZulu

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Subject: RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?
Originally posted by SevenZulu

Originally posted by trigal38

The funniest money story we have faced was my purchase of a tri bike.

At the time I decided to try to save for the bike I was working 3 hours a week for minimum wage at the Y while my "real" job was a stay at home Mom. You can imagine, this was going to take a while. But every 2 weeks I would cash my pay check and put it in my bike fund jar along with any birthday or Christmas money. It started to add up and I was about half way there. One day we were at the lake out on the boat and my daughter (she was probably 2) started fussing and whining. Hubby turned to me and said "I will pay you $1,000 if you can get her to be quiet!" So I put her on my lap, covered her with a towel and she fell asleep in about 5 minutes.

I still love my tri bike, and he will still say that was some of the best money he ever spent. Teamwork .

That's funny.




As written, this is not a funny a story. I trust it was funny.

Clearly, if I was working and my wife was making 20 bucks a week and taking care of the kids I would expect her to tell me she wanted a bike and we could talk about how we can buy that.

A bunch of people with enough money talking about they don't have to worry about dividing it up has provided me with no insight.
2014-03-29 9:06 PM
in reply to: BigDH

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Subject: RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?
We seem to have arrived at a good balance of about $300. We are a his, hers and ours accounts people. The Ours exists to easily pass money back and forth. All of the money is "ours" just in different places. Easy to manage our work expenses, etc. so we don't miscommunication and overdraw. We also each have different bills that we normally pay out of each account.

But we didn't always have it this good. We started married life off pretty strapped and inequitably contributing. My husband left his solidly middle class life in Suriname to move here, so he had to start out all over on a lot of fronts, while I was less than well employed myself. While we negotiated the INS system, he was often not legal to work. I knew my 800 sq. ft. condo with my own car, and a fat dog looked kind of rich to him at first. As I look back now, I see I had to gradually introduce him to our finances, and what it cost to live in The US. I also didn't want him to think he had to come ask for money each time he wanted to buy some smallest thing. We sunk into consumer debt (under my name, because he had to start from scratch with credit). I would make rice rich casseroles with 2 chicken legs, adding a can of beans for the next day. He wondered why we didn't get meat every day - I eventually showed him the credit card statement.

about 8 months in, we were offered work in Nevada - if you need 2 jobs in mining in the US, Nevada is a good place to go. As he built up his career, and we dug out of consumer debt, we continued to negotiate the $ thing. Once we were out if debt ("the black hole", we called it) , and we were both making good money, and bought a home, my efforts turned to retirement funds, while he would occasionally be too spendy, for my tastes, on his hobbies. (He now makes more $ than I do, but My job is more steady and comes with health insurance). Our biggest arguments have come from his expenditure on ammo, and his hiding it from me, which was the worst part. I think we have come to a balance on this.

Mr Booty just went back to work after 80 days of unemployment. We agreed that we would go on financial shut down for that period, as we could not know how long it would last - no eating out, no hobby spending, no big Christmas presents. (I got him a book - "Jefferson's Koran", and he bought me a cd of "Thelma and Louise" ). I even didn't replace my glasses that I ran over in the driveway (!?) until he went back to work. (I had an old pair that wasn't perfect, but made me legal to drive). We still ate well, at home, and did some labor intensive home projects (low $). What I found out from this period is that we have absolutely arranged our lives to be able to live off of one salary, if necessary, which was my goal. AND, we both followed the agreement of NO EXTRAS for nearly 3 months, which makes me very happy.

2014-03-29 9:45 PM
in reply to: BigDH

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Subject: RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?

Originally posted by BigDH
Originally posted by SevenZulu

Originally posted by trigal38

The funniest money story we have faced was my purchase of a tri bike.

At the time I decided to try to save for the bike I was working 3 hours a week for minimum wage at the Y while my "real" job was a stay at home Mom. You can imagine, this was going to take a while. But every 2 weeks I would cash my pay check and put it in my bike fund jar along with any birthday or Christmas money. It started to add up and I was about half way there. One day we were at the lake out on the boat and my daughter (she was probably 2) started fussing and whining. Hubby turned to me and said "I will pay you $1,000 if you can get her to be quiet!" So I put her on my lap, covered her with a towel and she fell asleep in about 5 minutes.

I still love my tri bike, and he will still say that was some of the best money he ever spent. Teamwork .

That's funny.

As written, this is not a funny a story. I trust it was funny. Clearly, if I was working and my wife was making 20 bucks a week and taking care of the kids I would expect her to tell me she wanted a bike and we could talk about how we can buy that. A bunch of people with enough money talking about they don't have to worry about dividing it up has provided me with no insight.

Problem number 1 - coming to CoJ expecting to gain insight!

 

2014-03-30 9:18 AM
in reply to: lisac957

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Subject: RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?
IMO this is very much a generational thing. We have been married 28 years next month and have always had joint accounts on everthing. There are never any secrets about money and we both always know where we stand. She spends money on herself when she wants and I do the same. Obviously the bigger the purchase the more discussion that goes on.

I have noticed a lot of "I" and "he" and "she" on this thread and not many "we's". Now I can see our two grown daughters (who are still single) being more like what appears to be the younger COJ'ers on this thread. It's just the way it is. I think the number one thing we have tried to teach both of them is fiscal responsibility and not to rely on someone else (i.e. boyfriend, husband, etc.) for financial stability. We have also tried to teach and demonstrate trust in your partner.

Good luck to everyone as they try to solve this question.
2014-03-30 12:01 PM
in reply to: jacasa

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Subject: RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?

Originally posted by jacasa I

I think the number one thing we have tried to teach both of them is fiscal responsibility and not to rely on someone else (i.e. boyfriend, husband, etc.) for financial stability. We have also tried to teach and demonstrate trust in your partner. Good luck to everyone as they try to solve this question.

I was talking to my BF about this the other night and he was fairly adamant that if he ever got married again he would not do the joint account thing. He said he would pay for house, car, daily life, everything - for his partner - but did not want to be involved in "joint" money ever again. Obviously he was burned in the past - and has a son to think about as well.

Playing devils advocate I questioned why have separate accounts, if most everything is being paid out of one?

He makes decisions based on data, and "statistics show" that more marriages end in divorce. So keeping money separate from the get-go - so there are no questions if it doesn't work out - is the most logical thing in his mind. I can't say I'm surprised with his past, but it's an interesting commentary on today's society when these are the data points that drive our decisions.



2014-03-30 2:19 PM
in reply to: lisac957

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Subject: RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?
My wife and I have been together for so long, and from such a young age that we have always just had a joint account. I don't have any accounts that are only in my name. Never have needed one. My wife has a "secret" account that she has siphoned money off to over the years. It is her just in case account. Just in case I were to die and our accounts got tied up in some issue. Just in case our marriage were to go kaput. Whatever. I have no idea how much it has in it now. Don't want to.
2014-03-30 8:11 PM
in reply to: lisac957

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Subject: RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?

Originally posted by lisac957

Originally posted by jacasa I

I think the number one thing we have tried to teach both of them is fiscal responsibility and not to rely on someone else (i.e. boyfriend, husband, etc.) for financial stability. We have also tried to teach and demonstrate trust in your partner. Good luck to everyone as they try to solve this question.

I was talking to my BF about this the other night and he was fairly adamant that if he ever got married again he would not do the joint account thing. He said he would pay for house, car, daily life, everything - for his partner - but did not want to be involved in "joint" money ever again. Obviously he was burned in the past - and has a son to think about as well.

Playing devils advocate I questioned why have separate accounts, if most everything is being paid out of one?

He makes decisions based on data, and "statistics show" that more marriages end in divorce. So keeping money separate from the get-go - so there are no questions if it doesn't work out - is the most logical thing in his mind. I can't say I'm surprised with his past, but it's an interesting commentary on today's society when these are the data points that drive our decisions.

I get what you are saying......but my wife and I not sharing finances has NEVER been about our marriage ending in divorce.  In fact, for us, it's just the opposite, it's about keeping our marriage strong.

2014-03-31 6:24 AM
in reply to: lisac957

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Subject: RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?

Originally posted by lisac957

Originally posted by jacasa I

I think the number one thing we have tried to teach both of them is fiscal responsibility and not to rely on someone else (i.e. boyfriend, husband, etc.) for financial stability. We have also tried to teach and demonstrate trust in your partner. Good luck to everyone as they try to solve this question.

I was talking to my BF about this the other night and he was fairly adamant that if he ever got married again he would not do the joint account thing. He said he would pay for house, car, daily life, everything - for his partner - but did not want to be involved in "joint" money ever again. Obviously he was burned in the past - and has a son to think about as well.

Playing devils advocate I questioned why have separate accounts, if most everything is being paid out of one?

He makes decisions based on data, and "statistics show" that more marriages end in divorce. So keeping money separate from the get-go - so there are no questions if it doesn't work out - is the most logical thing in his mind. I can't say I'm surprised with his past, but it's an interesting commentary on today's society when these are the data points that drive our decisions.

i think in most states, keeping money separate would protect nothing in the case of divorce.  everything acquired after marriage is considered joint property, no? 

2014-03-31 6:29 AM
in reply to: mehaner

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Subject: RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?

Originally posted by mehaner

Originally posted by lisac957

Originally posted by jacasa I

I think the number one thing we have tried to teach both of them is fiscal responsibility and not to rely on someone else (i.e. boyfriend, husband, etc.) for financial stability. We have also tried to teach and demonstrate trust in your partner. Good luck to everyone as they try to solve this question.

I was talking to my BF about this the other night and he was fairly adamant that if he ever got married again he would not do the joint account thing. He said he would pay for house, car, daily life, everything - for his partner - but did not want to be involved in "joint" money ever again. Obviously he was burned in the past - and has a son to think about as well.

Playing devils advocate I questioned why have separate accounts, if most everything is being paid out of one?

He makes decisions based on data, and "statistics show" that more marriages end in divorce. So keeping money separate from the get-go - so there are no questions if it doesn't work out - is the most logical thing in his mind. I can't say I'm surprised with his past, but it's an interesting commentary on today's society when these are the data points that drive our decisions.

i think in most states, keeping money separate would protect nothing in the case of divorce.  everything acquired after marriage is considered joint property, no? 

Right!  IT does not matter who's name it is in, it is a marital asset and is to be divided as decreed by the court.  By someone who just went through this less than a month ago.

2014-03-31 10:19 AM
in reply to: mehaner

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Subject: RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?

Originally posted by mehaner

Originally posted by lisac957

Originally posted by jacasa I

I think the number one thing we have tried to teach both of them is fiscal responsibility and not to rely on someone else (i.e. boyfriend, husband, etc.) for financial stability. We have also tried to teach and demonstrate trust in your partner. Good luck to everyone as they try to solve this question.

I was talking to my BF about this the other night and he was fairly adamant that if he ever got married again he would not do the joint account thing. He said he would pay for house, car, daily life, everything - for his partner - but did not want to be involved in "joint" money ever again. Obviously he was burned in the past - and has a son to think about as well.

Playing devils advocate I questioned why have separate accounts, if most everything is being paid out of one?

He makes decisions based on data, and "statistics show" that more marriages end in divorce. So keeping money separate from the get-go - so there are no questions if it doesn't work out - is the most logical thing in his mind. I can't say I'm surprised with his past, but it's an interesting commentary on today's society when these are the data points that drive our decisions.

i think in most states, keeping money separate would protect nothing in the case of divorce.  everything acquired after marriage is considered joint property, no? 

The only real benefit would be in the short term. Say your spouse is in sole charge of the finances, gets pissed and leaves. Could be difficult for the remaining spouse to handle things if they don't know account numbers or have access to the online banking. Would also make it easy for the spouse in control of the money to empty the account.

Of course all of this would be sorted out in court later, but depending on the county that can take quite a while. 



2014-03-31 2:23 PM
in reply to: lisac957

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275
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Atlanta, Georgia
Subject: RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?
We joke that the number is around $250. Some things I know better than to go out & by without some serious consultation. Other things, I can get away with it. Like some have said, if I want to go buy a bike, I better explain to her where the funds are coming from. If I want to book a trip to go to an LSU road game with my buddies, she doesn't need an accounting of what I am spending. Similarly, if I want to get some clothes, I don't need to have that discussion unless I'm going on a $2K spending spree at Neimans.

It really comes down to common sense. If it is seen as a necessity (clothes, food, car/home repair), no conversation is required. If it is seen as a luxury (bike, car, etc), a courtesy conversation should be held to discuss if it works in our budget. There are always edge cases, and it all depends on your relationship to define those.
2014-04-01 1:43 PM
in reply to: Meathead

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Master
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Oceanside, California
Subject: RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?
We each have monthly allowances and our own fun money bank accounts that are completely our own.
For me, this means poker, massages, going out for lunch, and gifts for each other.
That is fully my discretion.

For anything else, it would depend on the item.

If we discussed needing XYZ, it would depend what it costs compared to what we anticipated cost to be.

Impulse buys would be an issue between $100-200.

However, that would be out of respect, not out of fear of consequences.
I don't know what that number is... never pushed the envelope.

She does get annoyed when I buy things that we already have or she already got, but that is me just being a flake....

2014-04-05 10:35 AM
in reply to: mehaner

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Pro
4272
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Parker, CO
Subject: RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?
Originally posted by mehaner

Originally posted by lisac957

Originally posted by jacasa I

I think the number one thing we have tried to teach both of them is fiscal responsibility and not to rely on someone else (i.e. boyfriend, husband, etc.) for financial stability. We have also tried to teach and demonstrate trust in your partner. Good luck to everyone as they try to solve this question.

I was talking to my BF about this the other night and he was fairly adamant that if he ever got married again he would not do the joint account thing. He said he would pay for house, car, daily life, everything - for his partner - but did not want to be involved in "joint" money ever again. Obviously he was burned in the past - and has a son to think about as well.

Playing devils advocate I questioned why have separate accounts, if most everything is being paid out of one?

He makes decisions based on data, and "statistics show" that more marriages end in divorce. So keeping money separate from the get-go - so there are no questions if it doesn't work out - is the most logical thing in his mind. I can't say I'm surprised with his past, but it's an interesting commentary on today's society when these are the data points that drive our decisions.

i think in most states, keeping money separate would protect nothing in the case of divorce.  everything acquired after marriage is considered joint property, no? 



That's correct. Divorced about a year ago and although we had joint checking and savings...we also had our own retirement accounts and in my case, I also had an investment account. It's all disclosed during the divorce. When we were married She managed the bills and I was given an allowance. For 15 years it worked pretty well, though I never got a raise. whenever I made a purchase outside of my allowance I would sell some stock from my investment account. Other than that, I never spent over my allowance. Unlikely I will ever get married again but if I did I would be fine having the joint accounts. I would just want a bigger allowance!
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