Depression and Moods- Check in! (Page 34)

kruzmeister - 2012-04-14 8:53 AM Hi everyone, not sure what the go is here, do I just introduce myself or lurk for a bit? Finding training really hard at the moment, I have bipolar II and anxiety and I guess like everyone it effects training and motivation to train (and live) on occasions. I find the tough times very lonely cause I really don't have anyone to talk to about them, other than my therapist, who obviously cannot always be there for me. And friends, well they either run for the hills, ignore me, or want to try and "fix" me. Somedays I guess you just need to know you are not alone.

Hi Simone,

You are definitely NOT alone! Welcome to our warm little thread It isn't easy to live and train with chronic illnesses, particularly ones that put you off living and training at all sometimes.

Hey, you aren't even alone in the Southern hemisphere, or in your general time zone ... here I am

Take care, and yes, as you and all of us say ... just one moment at a time and this too shall pass.

Thanks heaps  I see you've done Ironman events, that's my dream. I'm hoping to do a long course in Nov (2k/80k/20k) in South Oz. Decided I needed something challenging to train for over winter to keep my mind focussed. All I need to do now is convince my anxiety so I can survive the trip interstate!

Hey everyone!  I just found this thread, and wanted to pop my head in and let you know about myself.  I am diagnosed BiPolar 1, onset became worse after my first baby.  My post partum kicked into overdrive, and since then haven't been the same.  

I have since been on anything and everything...name it, I have tried it!  I have done a lot of soul searching about this in the last 7 years, and am now trying to ween myself off of meds completely.  I am trying the holistic approach, but am not 100% off medicine yet.  I just came off of Viibryd, which is the devil of all medications.  I am having withdrawl symptoms from it, and feel awful.  I am still on anxiety medication, but other than that I am turning to my Buddhism, going to Reiki, and trying to figure out other ways to deal with it, since medication seems to be failing me personally.  

I am glad to know that what we have to go through is no longer "taboo", and am happy to be able to come here and give some support as well as find some solace through others.  

I am really sorry to hear you are feeling so down.  I can sympathize, I had a back injury about 6 weeks ago, went to physical therapy and the doc gave me some pain meds.  Needless to say they did not mix well with my SSRI that I was taking, and I ended up in the ER with the worst case of Vertigo and uncontrollable shakes.  Since then, I have stopped taking the Viibryd (have I mentioned this med is the devil??), went through medication withdrawal, and haven't had any medication for a month to detox my system.  

I have had the absolute craziest month up and down.  Not wanting to get out of bed to train, I literally cried because I undercooked the lasagna noodles last night, and feel like everything is a struggle!  

I know kids can compound your thoughts and feelings sometimes, because they are so dependent and do not understand.  I mean how are you supposed to know what to do with them, when you can't even figure out what to do with yourself?  It can feel like a struggle just to meet their needs.  

I am also going back to the doc on Wed. I have to get my meds back (different ones), just so that I can function without being such an emotional roller coaster.  

I came from a home where my parents literally did not care.  They were both so consumed with their depression and PTSD that I pretty much didn't exist.  I think family affects us more than we realize, even when we think we have grown up and will never be like them.  

You will be alright!  Take some time to focus on yourself and get emotionally healthy, and you will see your relationships in a whole different light!  It's going to be OK!!! 

It's like the suicide thing. We can feel suicidal--but we're not going to do it. I can certainly feel homicidal :D--but I'm not going to do it (yet). You may feel like a failure--but you are not a failure. Our feelings are important, but we are not our feelings.

{{{MELON PRESS}}} I love you.

This has just been a BAD, BAD week.  (Yes it is "that week" in my cycle.)  2 weeks ago my grandmother passed away.  She was 93 and had been sick. While I knew it was coming, it's never "easy". The trip back to IL was kind of a whirlwind trip. I was tired when I got back, but nothing unmanageable. Then that following Monday I just started feeling exhausted. Fatigue has always been my main symptom. And I've always (or since it started) wondered whether the depression caused the fatigue or the fatigue caused the depression. Chronic Fatigue has been suggested - but no definite diagnosis. But of course even if I had the CFS diagnosis, that wouldn't necessarily mean anything. There is no cure, just managing the symptoms - which I have been doing.  This week the fatigue has been almost unbearable. I have been soooo tired after I wake up in the morning, so most days I have taken a nap later on. Then I feel soooo groggy after I get up from the nap. So I've tried to fight the nap - knowing I'll be groggy - but just being so tired anyway...double edged sword.  (Oh and did I mention I've developed digestive issues from coffee...)

So...because of the extreme fatigue, I have been unable to work. Which has caused financial strain...my husband doesn't seem to worry as much as I do. (And yes, I applied for disability last year - but according to them I am not disabled enough...but has been worse lately)

I just can't win it seems and I'm beyond frustrated. I'm angry and I'm sure that doesn't help...

Hey everyone, been a long time since I've been on this thread but since I can't seem to shut my mind off at 2AM I figured I'd do a little venting.

The good news is I'm dating a guy who loves biking and is pretty sweet.  We met at a bike race last year and then a few months ago I got a mountain bike and we went together.  It was only my second time on one.  I ended up fracturing a vertebra so I couldn't ride trails for six weeks.  Then I got my tonsils out unexpectedly a month ago, so I've been in major recovery and lost a bit of my fitness.  We went for a ride a few days ago and he was frustrated with me being slow.  We have a metric century in Buena Vista this coming weekend that requires a LOT of climbing (55miles to be exact), and I'm sweating being a able to complete the ride.  I'm afraid he'll think I'm too slow and be upset if he has to ride ahead because he's frustrated.  I realize I'm not painting a very good picture of him with the short description, so take the lack of info with a grain of salt.  He realizes he has to be more patient.

I guess I'm just full of anxiety about being too slow for him, but I know I can improve and get back to my normal bada$$ self in a few weeks.  I hate that it's keeping me awake at night.  I'm certain it's not keeping him awake.  Thanks for listening

Overwhelming fog of sadness this week for me.
Any natural remedies you all can recommend? Sunshine? Vitamins? Puppydogs?

All the above, and a bike ride or 2.  Just keep moving, it will get better!!!!

All of the above?  And I agree with ChicagoMan, when I feel like that sometimes my motivation to train is completely gone, but if I actually drag myself out there and get a swim/bike/run in then I feel much better after.  Try to enjoy the upcoming weekend, and try to get yourself out and doing things even if you don't feel like it at first; oftentimes the hardest part is getting started.  

I hope you feel better!  Remember, you're a triathlete, which means you're a stronger person than you may realize.  

Plenty of good sleep as well. The days following a good workout and at least 7 hours sleep I feel great.

My shrink told me once that Depression is Amotivational.  Meaning it attacks and saps your motivation, will and desire to do things.  One key to beating this thing is to get that motivation back.  Ive posted this before, but once when I was at my darkest point, I went to swim.  Sat in front of locker at gym for like 45 minutes, catatonic basically, trying to get my in the water.  Finally did and it changed the rest of the day for the better.

Just EFFEN do it.

Chicagoman- When I least want to exercise, I know it is the thing I need to do the most.  Getting myself to workout when things are bad is the ABSOLUTE best; however attaining that two feet of vertical between the butt and the couch is often harder than a marathon, ultra, or ironman for some of us.   My point being, if you can HTFU, good on you; if you can’t, that is COMPLETELY understandable.

Kruzmeister – welcome to our vale of tears or emotional slime.  I like what your said about how friends “either run for the hills, ignore me, or want to try and "fix" me.”  These reactions are completely understandable to me but so non-helpful.  I have friends or family get really angry with me too.  This is also understandable but non-helpful. 

Lisa – my depressed foster sister and myself have agreed that when things are bad you need to give yourself credit for getting up to pee and not wetting the bed.

With depression, it seems individuals have more differences than similarities.  Similarities being: it sucks, exercise helps and sometimes meds helps.  I have however gone for a run where I started crying and finished crying.

Sober alcoholics do one day at a time but we depressives have to do one moment at a time.  I try for 10 minutes of living at a time myself.

Okay off for to enact the next miracle of motivation (also known as dental flossing).

Please everyone try to get some kind of a workout in today but if you can’t do that and can’t even get your body out of the sack just try not to wet the bed.

How did the Buena Vista go? 

Lisa, I know how hard it can be.  You have been through a lot, with the surgery of your parents dog, etc.  You are great and amazing!  I agree, sometimes I just have to will myself to get out there and exercise, but if you can't don't be to hard on yourself.  Puppies are always a cute alternative!  

Having a day here - irk.  Alcoholics are renowned for setting their sights on "one day at a time".  Depressives (at least this particular depressive) need to do 15 minutes at a time.  Often I set myself three tiny tasks so . . .

1. pay discover bill
2. clean up some leaves in the driveway
3. drink a glass of water

And I'm off . . .

So, is this the place to go if I am having these thoughts:

this whole tri thing is so random and stupid, especially when you're just a slow fat uncoordinated guy who signed up for a race too long and his wife thinks he can't finish. And with family canceling their plans to go along to the race, it makes no sense to drag the kids out for a weekend where they're just going to be bored and MAYBE at the end, see their pathetic Dad collect another token they give you just for showing up and act like it means something. The idea that I got into an expensive narcissistic hobby to somehow make myself better as a husband and father is a ridiculous notion that just feeds the selfish attention whoring beast that I am, and that I hate to be.

There's more, but that's enough to ask: is this the place to post that?

Dude, say what yuou want in here.  Anything goes (almost) in the Loony Bin.

Ted is right.  Do this for yourself.  Accomplish YOUR goals, find YOUR happiness.  If the family wants to share, Awesome.  If not, Dude, you do not NEED them to finish the race.  First place or last place, you'll do the same with or without them.  Its for YOU.

Doing it for yourself WILL make you a better man all around and you are in no way an attention .

So go kick and report back.

Thanks guys. I'll say just a bit more for context.

My wife and kids ARE going. That was not in doubt. We are wrestling with the fact that seeing the start and finish is not going to be sensible with the long delay in between. I just want them at the finish. The kids are excited for me to do this one, we've talked about it almost a year. We'll try to meet Crowie on Saturday for a pic with my son.

My wife is not a naysayer, but flips out over any open water swim. This would be my longest yet. She saw someone pulled out at Dewey, who died later. That whole scenario played out in front of the three of them. It left an impact.

But when she asked again a few weeks ago about the distances, she reacted very viscerally to the idea. I reminded her she always knew what they were, but she was now really wrapping her mind around it. She said "you can't do that." Since then, she's comes around, so I may be being a bit of a DQ saying she thinks I can't make it. She has paid more attention to my determination and resilience since then.

My parents were going to go too, but had to back out for a very legitimate reason, one that came up recently and when I learned about it, insisted they both stay home. But in recounting the issue, Mom let me know how Dad was waffling about the weekend, and it gave me the distinct impression that he had no idea how big a deal this was to me.

But then it hit me - why should it? I'm 40 freaking years old, I don't need to prove myself to Daddy anymore. On Memorial Day I surprised them by biking from my house to theirs over a 41 mile, very hilly route. (OK, no cat 4 or worse, but pretty darn hilly for me.) They were stunned, and impressed. That should be enough.

I told Mom that when the day comes that I do a full iron, I would love for them to be at the finish. They thought they'd be grieving my early death by heart attack when I went north of 350 pounds and looked like I was heading to 400. They are supportive.

So I felt this overwhelming sense of stupidity for caring whether they come to the Half. Then the picture of the day with the kids looked more like hassle for my wife, and less like a celebration. It just took the wind out of me, and when I took an honest look at the whole WHY question, I felt like I came up very very short.

So after I posted that original message, I dealt with a work situation that had me really beaten down emotionally/spiritually on Sunday. One phone conversation with the person in need where I was able to do what it is I do, and provide comfort and hope, and I felt a whole lot better about myself.

I talk to my 12-step sponsor tonight, which is the closest thing I've had to therapy in many years. I've never been medicated for depression, though I wonder if I should have been. I've been steady since finding my way to this life, and food addiction recovery. It just was a wall of things all at once that really brought back the depression which I have not seen in a long time. It's making me assess where I find satisfaction, and I think I have healthier patterns than I used to. They're just so new, that they aren't ingrained enough to be invincible quite yet.

As we say at meetings, thanks for listening.

I think no matter how old we are, we still want to make our parents proud. That's a very natural feeling!

At my first Ironman my Dad couldn't make it and while I never, ever said anything I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed - even though my mom, sister, brother in law, and 2 nephews traveled to be there. He came to my second IM and it was so much sweeter, hearing him cheer for me throughout the race and seeing him at the finish line. But, I think they knew what a big deal it was, so it might be different if they didn't understand.