Depression and Moods- Check in! (Page 35)

Oh I can so sympathize with you!  I suffered PPD after all 3 of my kids.  I have suffered depression my whole life, but after the kids, it was magnified.  I am on meds, but still suffer a cycle about every 5-6 days I have one really bad day and feel super depressed.  I think to myself, "why am I doing this?"  

I have started using my workouts as my meditation time.  It helps to clear my mind and keeps me from becoming all consumed in my head and only think about the family.  

It IS ok to be a little selfish and make sure you are getting things for yourself.  You have to maintain your sense of self during this time, or it will just get worse.  I did that.  I forgot who I was and what I enjoyed and just thought of myself as a wife, mother, maid, etc.  Once I got back to doing what I enjoy, my mood shifts have decreased to just once a week.  It is purely hormones and chemical related, so not much I can actually do but keep on my meds and remember that it will pass.  

Gosh if I had a dollar for every time this went through my head.  I am also a 12 stepper for a different reason, but have had to learn to push past these thoughts.  

They happen to me a lot.  I have to tell myself to keep going.  That even if I finish DFL, this is for me, not my kids or my husband.  I have to know that I can have a goal for myself and finish it.  I was SO good at not finishing things.   I would find the easy way out, hence the 12 step programs, and would quit when the going got tough.  

I don't want to be that person anymore.  Yes, my kids do gain something from watching me finish and train hard to work towards a goal, but in the end, that finisher medal is for me, and it means the world to me.  It is a tangible object that I can hang on the wall, so when the bad days come, and they do come, I will have a reminder that I can do anything I want to do.  

I know you have been working towards this goal, I know you will find peace in your decision to finish, and so will your family.  

Everyone who is joining in - I'm glad you have. The title may be a bit misleading in that the first word is "depression", but it could just be "feeling blue"...

The Claaaaw - As ChicagoMan said - this is definitely the place to post and talk about those feelings. By chance have you tapered lately?? It sounds like you have a good support system, but like everything - it's not perfect. I remember my first tri (I think I have told this story before...so I'll try to summarize!), I didn't really have a lot of "special people" in my life - so my mom went with me. She is not the one to sit around and do nothing. But she came..and brought some work with her. Well she missed me when I ran buy here. See saw me get out of the water and then on the bike, but missed me coming in on the bike and going out on the run. It was a bigger race, so there were lots of people around her - but I literally yelled at her - a few times - when I ran by. She was a few rows back and didn't even notice. At that point in time, I was soooo mad at her. It ruined my first race and I'm not sure I've ever gotten to a point (in my whole 3 races) that I felt good.
I have #4 coming up at the end of this month and I will just be trying to finish. With my ankle injury still coming up while I jog - I just want to be proud I did it. Plus - races give me something to train "for." And, to top all of that off, DT (or DH) has said he will do it with me...not worried about time, and the fact that he will be going at about half speed on all 3 disciplines...it will still be nice :-) But, I think with a lot of things in life, you have to learn to do it for yourself.
Also...I've done some reading on mood disorders, etc. And although you may not be "diagnosed" as having depression or other illnesses - there is a high correlation between those who struggle with addictions and having mental problems - - dual diagnosis is usually the term.

Teddie - my favorite muddy buddy teammate - It's always "funny" how things seem to go in a circle. You get anxiety from your job - so you try to move on - but then you get anxiety from the possibility that it may not happen and if it does, it may not work out. I've yet to figure out how the h-e-double hockey sticks to fix my "circles". When you figure it out - lemme know!

LisaC - the beautiful LisaC. I've seen you struggle recently. And imho - it's time to see a doc. This may "only" be a time period where you are struggling...but once you disconnect from others and lose your drive to take care of every day things (whether it be you or your surroundings...) -- it's time. WE are all here to help and support. And realize that you are not a failure or a freak - you are just going through some hard times. Every single person in this world does...some are just able to get out of it by themselves and others are not. Even if it is just talk therapy - I truly believe it is time for you to seek outside help. I hope you take this suggestion as support and not criticism

To all the other "listeners" - I'm getting tired of paying $15 every time I go to the doctor. He is about 45 minutes away (one way)..ugh! I went today and was there for all of 10 minutes, he made no changes and I left. I am glad, however, to be over the "dizzy" spells I was having. I recently went off BC and am on lamotragine/lamictal (sp?) as a mood stabilizer. One of the possibility of these mood stab. is that birth control can decrease the effectness of the mood stab. (not the other way around, thank goodness.) So simultaneously I went up on the mood meds and went off of BC. I was trying to explain this to my doc, but basically he was going on the "safe" side...I guess. So 2 days in a row, I had these weird reactions. Finally on #2 I called the doc...I have now decreased that and no more "episodes".
Meanwhile, my mood does continue to be up. As I was explaining to my doc - I'm not even sure what my "real" personality is like. So I'm not even sure what my normal is! I might've known in 1999 - but right around then was when I started going nutty...literally. My main symptom, is racing thoughts and fast speech - but I think it's very possible that is just "me".
As I've mentioned before, fatigue has been the constant symptom. Docs (and myself) are always unsure of which is the chicken and which is the egg. I've done some reading recently about CFS (chronic fatigue syndrome) and it basically spells out what I have had happen to my life. Fatigue lead to mood problems, which in combo - led to weight gain. Which after the weight gain, I developed mild sleep apnea...I've started using my cpap again (got it late last year, used it for awhile but couldn't tell a difference....) I thought I'd give it one more chance before I took it back. I said I'd give it a month...I THINK it has actually made a difference! I'm still getting used to it and I've never made it through an ENTIRE night with it...but the feeling that I am exhausted when I wake up and can not go through the day without a nap is gone. I still have fatigue, but it's more manageable. I am looking to get a referral to go to the Univ of Washington CFS clinic. There are no recognized treatments for CFS - but I am seriously willing to try almost anything. (I read one article about using a medication used for cancer patients...)
Our sport's promotion company's 2nd event - and first cycling event - is a month from today. Things are getting done...and like anything else, I've fallen behind...but...they're happening. 2 weeks from today I get to head back to IL - and go to the WILTON TENT SALE! Then on that Friday - I get to celebrate my birthday with both my mom and dad (seperately...) - which will be the first time that has happened in many years! And THEN...my mom has made reservations for this hotel that has an indoor water park and amusement park for that night. For myself, DT, little DT (who is 11), herself, my bro and my niece. I don't remember the last time I've been on a water slide!! SO excited. I'll just have to assume I won't be the only fatty in a suit...and just try to have fun :-D Hopefully they don't have mirrors around :-/  AND...if all of that isn't FRIGGIN fantastic - DT & I just bought our first new (to us) car! We sold my xB and got an '03 Jetta Wagon. It was exactly the car I wanted...and with the money from my xB we will be able to pay off one of the CC's and simultaneously will be lowering monthly car payment and fuel costs!! WIN-WIN-WIN!! AND...if that isn't seriously enough!! Recently the state of WA passed a law/act that will allow for small-time bakers to sell their goods (a list of certain "safe" foods - including cakes) -- legally - without using a commercial kitchen!!!!

I feel like I'm floating a bit and just hope I don't go down tooo much anytime soon - staying the same would be great. I am praying and knocking on wood!

Hope everyone else can find something to smile about today :-)

It's hard to have a sense of yourself with a little one.  I know it's important, but it's so easy to drop everything when she needs me.  For example, this weekend I wanted to go to yoga.  But, she is sick and wants mommy more than daddy.  So, instead of yoga, we cuddled and took a nap.  It was great, but I also wish I'd been able to get out of the house by myself.

I end up staying up way too late at night because that's the only time I seem to get "me" time.  Then, I'm tired from getting up early with the baby and the little sleep doesn't help either. 

It is probably one of the hardest things to do.  My heart is literally running around outside my body in triplet.  My kids are everything to me.  Right up until my last one turned 1, I had left myself out in the cold and just focused on the kids.  It has taken me a long time to get myself to a point where I have to realize my husband can do it too.  LOL  

This may not help, but both of you sound like GREAT moms!!  Our daughters are 26 & 28.  I don't remember any of the sacrifices (there were tons of them) but I do remember all of the good moments and would do it over again in a heart beat.  I also suffer from depression. Unfortunately, I did not receive help until they were in high school, so I missed (mentally and emotionaly) a lot of their early years.  Cherish every moment!

Hello, my fellow mentally-interesting travelers!

As some of you know, it's been challenging for me physically and emotionally (it's all one big ball o' me, can't draw those fine boundaries) the last two years (36 years?!). I am so deeply grateful for the love and support you have given me, many people, but here particularly Lisa T. and Ted M. {{{{MELON PRESS}}}}}}!!!!!

16 bouts of serious illness (as in, not even like the 'flu) or injury, while frequently supporting my folks and often being their caretakers during aging/end-of-life processes. And all the other stuff I do, which is my own fault since I chronically overload.

Many illnesses carry a lingering depression and the types I had, have that as a hallmark, one of the defining symptoms. Knowing that makes it easier to bear but feeling horrible is still feeling horrible.

I am a die-hard sci/med nerd type, and I am on several kinds of medication (not to mention the small entire pharmacy I've been on for the illnesses and their symptoms). However, these are also several other types of remedies I've taken that I have found immensely helpful, and have a good safety profile.

Manukah honey--expensive as all get out, but I use a couple dollops of this daily in place of sugar. There are many (and some fairly well documented) claims for its efficacy, particularly as an external antibiotic, but also for all kinds of internal ailments.

Goji berries (hard to find) or juice (easier but claims are not well documented)--at least it's got antioxidants up the wazoo and tastes fine to me. Both my sister and I feel we recovered from our last bouts of typhoid fever more quickly with this, and energy returning faster.

Garlic (LOTS, daily, fresh)--supposed to be good for cardiovascular health, as a natural anti-inflammatory and antibiotic, and cholesterol levels.

Ginger (to flavor foods and brewed for tea)--powerful but non-sedating anti-emetic (anti-nausea/puking), but it's also supposed to be just a wonderfully healthy thing for all sorts of things.

Glucosamine/Chondroitin/MSM--I feel like it's been very helpful in controlling chronic pain from the illnesses and joint pain from osteoarthritis (one of the viruses I had attacks and breaks down cartilage).

I know none of this is hugely specific but these are some leads for you to Google of things generally in the can'thurt/mayverywellhelp category.

Checkin in.

Something was looking out for me and I am now on a patients assistance program for my Abilify. I now get it free through Bristoll Meyer for the next 6 months and potentially 6 more after I reapply (big corporations turn out to not be all bad). I had to up my dosage to get on it but I really needed to anyway. I had been breaking my pills previously to make the prescription last longer. Ive been doing much better since. I've even picked up a new hobby in whitewater kayaking (really spent money that I really shouldnt have but I was in a seriously manic up phase and got 1 with a buddy).

Glad to see others posting in here, not happy that your blue, but happy your sharing. Sharing really does help. Organizing the madness into visible words doesnt hurt either.

Right, so...

Long time, eh?

I'm coming up on the one year anniversary of the death of my best friend from cancer, remembering the phone call where I was asked to write his obituary. 

My father can walk a little on his walker and can get himself in and out of a car two years after his various surgeries and ailments.

My mom finally came home from the hospital after 8 months. She fell back in September and broke her neck. Today I was able to go the the bank and assign her account back to her, so that's a good thing, right?

Funny thing is that, emotionally, it still feels like depression has backed his RV up to my house and is sucking power through a drop cord, kinda like Randy Quaid's character in National Lampoons Christmas Story. Visualization of the problem as a despicable character is therapeutic dontchathink?

The thing is, I just finished catching up on this thread, tracking the trajectory so to speak. One thing struck me as more true than any thing else I have read here, and of course it was from Yanti.

Sometime ago, she saluted a posting with the words

"Hello beautiful people"

By damn! That's the truest statement in this whole mess. 

Now, not to go all Stuart Smiley on ya' (on account of that would do serious damage to a carefully cultivated snark) but believe it.

I know more about humans now than I ever have, seen too many hospitals, too many rehabs, too many facilities, doctors, therapists, agents, social workers, and both malicious and well-meaning relatives.

Nothing is more beautiful than a person moving forward, even slouched and tearful, even flat on his back. We are humans, we move, and that's exactly what this thread is, movement. And that, my meditating and medicating friends, is beautiful.

Buena Vista went really well, thanks for asking!

That's really sweet.  I appreciate it.

I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday.  I am hoping she has some suggestions.

I hope everything goes well for you today!!!!  

It did!  My doctor is great and very helpful.  She thinks it's related to my thyroid being out of whack again, so she decided to increase my anti-depressants until my thyroid is better.

I am glad to hear that things went well for you at your appointment! 

I have not had the best of weeks.  I am in the process of a medication shift, my sobriety seems to be coming up and staying on course seems impossible at this moment.  I feel lost half the time, dazed, my thoughts are clouded, and just getting out of bed seems like a monumental feat.  

My daughter's autism/SPD has progressed.  I thought we might have plateau'd, but it has gotten to the self injury phase and I am having such a hard time handling it.  

I seem to cry more than smile now which is so unusual for me.  Training used to help me keep a level head, but just going for a run seems so hard.  

A few months ago, I had a back injury and ended up on some medication which I found out with a trip to the ER I was allergic to.  It mixed with my antidepressants and screwed up my nervous system.  I now have anxiety attacks daily.  I have never had them before, and they are just debilitating.  So I took a month off of ALL medications because I thought it would be a good idea to cleanse my system and start over.  Last month I started back on my medications because the month of May was like living in hel!, and probably the worst I have ever felt in my life.  

I know it takes some time for medications to work with your system, and I am trying to be patient, but I just feel so lonely in this struggle.  My family tries to understand, and they are wonderful, they really are, but they just don't know what it's like inside my head.  

Thanks for reading.  It felt better to get it out, even though I couldn't stop crying while typing it.  Almost like now it's real and out there.  

Hi... long time lurker, first time poster.

I've really been struggling lately...

(and, for the record, I've started this post about a dozen times and this is where I get stuck with what to say...)

See, I guess I feel like I've got no right to be depressed or unhappy.  I've got a good job, great friends.  I'm single with no kids, so I find myself kind of lonely, but it's not like I don't have people to call on to go out from time to time.

I read about people here with real problems and situations that are far worse than anything that's wrong with me, so I shouldn't complain, right?  Should just decide to be happy and make the best of things.

Except that doesn't work.  Obviously.

My best friend had been my roommate for the past 1.5 years -- which was great -- but in the past two months she's fallen in love/lust with someone and spends all of her time at her new girlfriend's house (oh yea, I'm gay, if that matters).  Her and I were never romantically involved, but I feel like I've lost my best friend.  Her stuff still lives at my house, so I'll see her a few times a week when she picks up fresh clothes, but other than that, not at all.   

Her leaving isn't the problem so much as it's what made my other problems surface, ya know?  It was easy to ignore the fact that I'm desperately unhappy with myself when someone was around all the time to buoy my moods.

I've been trying to make more plans with other friends, keep myself busy ... and that helps to a certain extent.  But, still - struggling to get out of bed in the morning, be productive at work (I spend way too much time messing about on the internet), be an upbeat, happy person that my friends would even WANT to spend time with.

Just recently started seeing a therapist.  And she pretty immediately suggested a psychiatrist to go see to talk about the possibility of medication.  Which, I've got to say, scares me to death.  There's a part of my brain that still insists that I should be stronger and able to pull myself out of this without any help.

Decided to finally post here because I'm feeling really alone in this fight.  My best friend has some idea of what's going on, but no one else, really.  I've always been a private person and unwilling to allow people in and so even my good friends don't really understand that I'm depressed (even just admitting that the word "depressed" applies to me is difficult).  It's like I'm two people:  the one that I present to the world and the other that I have to subdue and actively hide on a minute-to-minute basis.

Anyway.  Once again I'm at my desk at work, crying, but somehow it feels good to write this down, admit it to the (BT) world. 

I completely understand what you are going through.  When I was growing up the idea of "depression" was taboo.  It wasn't something you were allowed to say out loud.  It was more of a "phase" in my life and "growing up".  It never occurred that there was something actually happening in my brain that I couldn't control.  I was just labeled a "difficult child".  

Fast forward through more years than I can count, and probably don't remember due to drug and alcohol addiction.  I self medicated.  I didn't know that there was a reason for what was happening.  

I got sober, got married, and had my first child.  I went through post partum depression so bad, I couldn't get out of bed.  I had no reason to not be happy.  I was clean, in love, and just had a beautiful little girl.  It was my husband who got me to a therapist.  For the first time I knew what was happening. There was a chemical imbalance going on, and it wasn't something I could just "will" myself out of.  In fact thinking that I should be able to just get over it was making it worse. 

I started with the help of medication (which I admit was not a great option being an ex addict) has been extremely helpful.  I have been keeping mood journals, and realized that I am bi-polar.  I have 4-5 good days, then I cycle for 2-3 days of very bad depression.  The medication has leveled the bad days to tolerable for me and I am able to get out of bed.  I also speak with a therapist in finding ways to help me retrain my thought process.  

I still think it is taboo for people to talk about depression.  I wish it was easier to come out in the open and be able to be honest in how you feel, and I think that is why so many people choose to be silent about their struggles.  Almost like a stigma will be placed on you.  It doesn't have to be like that.  

I know you are on the fence about medication.  That is perfectly OK.  It is your journey, and you should be able to take the information you are given and make your own decisions about your treatment.  No matter where this process takes you, you are not alone at all.  You are among people here who understand what you are going through, and make no judgements about your decisions.  We are here to offer unwavering support and share our journeys with you.  

Daily walks every morning when I get out of bed are awesome. Throw in the "3 things I'm grateful for" exercise and pretty much every day is off to a great start!

<except when it's raining. bleh>

Knowing I'm not alone helps more than you know.  I have decent days and bad days, and on the bad days I *know* I need to do something more to help myself.... I can't keep along this same trajectory because it won't end well, ya know?  

Getting a therapist was a tough thing for me to do, but I got that done.  I posted here, which was also a challenge for me (seems somehow both better and worse to see what I'm feeling in black and white).  Next step is to make the appointment with the psychiatrist to at least see what my options are.  I can't make a decision about medication without having more information.

Thanks for the support.  It really helps.  

Laura - Sorry to hear of your struggles and though I guess I feel more comfortable as a lurker here, I thought I might post a few things.

It took me a long time not to beat myself up constantly over my illness (I have bipolar) and I do still kick myself from time to time, but I am getting better. I too always felt like I should be stronger and be able to control it better (the depression and in my case mania too) but then I read something that made me look at things from a different perspective.

"Bipolar (and depression) is a physical problem that effects people mentally."

Willing yourself to be happy when you have a mood disorder would be like telling yourself to see if you were blind or to walk if you were paraplegic. The fact is you have a disease that doesn't care if you have everything in life or nothing in life, it is indiscriminate. There is a big stigma out there still against those struggling with mental illness. I've lost friends, jobs and the respect of some of my family all because they do not believe I am sick and that I am just lazy and should "snap out of it and be happy". Unfortunately that is the reality of what we deal with and the level of ignorance that is still rife amongst society, only educating people over time will change that. But in the end the stigma and judgements are the issues of those who make them, not yours. The best thing you can do for yourself is to admit there is a problem and to seek help and very courageously you have done both of those things, looking back on my own journey, I think they were the hardest things to do. Things will eventually get better and make more sense, just hang in there.

I wish you well and hope that what ever you choose to do you find some joy in your life.

A.J. - Sorry to hear you have been struggling, I hope you find that balance again soon and manage to get out and enjoy your runs again.

All the best to you both.

This is such a difficult concept for me to internalize and truly believe, ya know?  I mean, logically, sure, it makes total sense and it's almost a relief to read because it means:  "it's not my fault".

But that part is what also makes it so hard.  I'm all about being responsible for my behavior and actions, and I'm never one to blame circumstances.  But by saying that my mood is out of my control, I feel like I'm totally relinquishing responsibility for my own life and actions, that I've just pushed off the blame from myself.  Does that make sense?

....

Anyway, been a tough weekend.  One friend totally came through for me in an unexpected way, but that was overshadowed by another disappointing me by totally disappearing when I needed her.  It's like the good things are never enough...