Dear Daughter... (Page 2)

Sex is a lot of things... a biological function is probably the least that anyone cares about. You can't make it something it isn't, sex is a big deal. I have yet to see any culture on the planet that thinks open public sex anytime anywhere is an acceptable thing. Getting someone to agree to swap bodily fluids with you is not like shaking hands. If you think it is, go out on any public street and see how it works out.

And as far as marriage being an unnatural state... it's what ever state you want it to be. Half the population cheats. And it is equal between men and women... do you know what that means... half the population DOESN'T. Monogamous relationships are not the exception.

that made me laugh.  

What's funny is even the opposite doesn't always work out.  One of my closest friends played the field through college and ended up marrying the girl who was quite compatible with him sexually (as in, pretty much every day).

Once they got married, she had no desire to ever do it again.  We're talking 6 month+ spats of nothing.

She had sex because she knew she had to do it to get a man.  Once she got him, she didn't have to do it anymore.  The clinical term for that is sexual anorexia.

Oh don't worry, I'd hit it. But right now I am in an monogamous relationship. If it is ever down to just you and me... it's on.

No worries, like I said, I'm not trying to get anybody to change.  It just genuinely fascinates me how people can have completely opposite viewpoints on things like this.  I try to dig into pasts to see where the beliefs originate from, but mostly out of curiosity.

I am wondering what society would look like if everyone subscribed to the Switch philosophy though.  

Tell that to my folks that have been married nearly 50 years. Who decided what is and what is not "natural" for all human beings?

Tell that to my folks that have been married nearly 50 years. Who decided what is and what is not "natural" for all human beings?

In most of the animal world there is no "mating for life".....which makes me wonder why humans would be different lacking societal norms. 

I can't imagine the first "'humans" were monogamous.  Even now, I doubt it's an accident that there are more women than men.

I guess I fall in the "not natural" camp.....but it can be done if there is compatibility, especially in today's world of STD's.

its funny I was on the phone to my mom in the UK the other day - been married for 60 years.  We were discussing one of my sisters whose marriage is not great.  My mum said oh they just stay together for their daughter.

I said oh yes probably - she said, well we all do that don't we....

So I wonder if my mum hadn't had the four of us would their marriage have flourished.  My parents are like friends now - but the bicker the whole time which I find amusing.

I would not sacrifice my happiness just because I have a child - the world has changed.  I would for sure give it my best shot, but my daughter deserves a happy mom over and above anything else - IMO.

I'm obviously a proponent of people staying married, but it drives me nuts too when I see people staying married "for the kids".  It ends up doing far more harm than good in the long run in most cases.  If you're growing up with parents who are just "roommates" it instills a false sense of what being married should be.  The kids would be far better off with two divorced parents in happy marriages, IMHO.  

So, either work on your marriage and make it a marriage, or get a divorce.  

The problem is, having a permissive attitude about my son having sex "for the sake of sex" is that I am not respecting the potential wishes of parents of whomever the girl might be.. 

I also completely disagree with the whole sex is just sex thing. I'd never teach my son that. Never. 

PS: One of my friend's son's was in a long term relationship at 13-16 and then she dumped him. He was so depressed he attempted suicide. She was his world. Maybe some kids can handle the heavy dating thing but a lot can get really screwed up by all of that..

I don't have any desire to "control" my son's social life, but I can give him guidance. I'd definitely encourage him to have lot's of friends, boys and girls, do lot's of activities, but take life slow and focus on growing and learning.. not on putting all his eggs in one basket at 15. 

 As a young teen, if my son met a girl he was crazy about I know I wouldn't be able to keep him away from her in every sense of the word. But I could definitely do a lot to guide.. or not. My parents did nothing in that regard. They never set dating guidelines at all. I was on my own. I did have a few teachers that gave me some good advice, that I listened to. And I think it saved me a lot of heartache. 

My husband comes from a really strict culture. He never dated a girl till he met me. We were 28. I was his first kiss. He survived his teen years and even his twenty's without sex. In spite of his abstinence, when I met him he was, and still is, a very happy person.

So, it can be done. 

I'm not so naive to think that it won't always be a matter of choice.

But my advice to him would be... If he really love's the girl, commit.

When you have the means to,

walk down the isle and say "I will love and cherish you all the days of my life.." 

Until then, be the man that keeps it in his pants. 

BTW Switch.. I looked at your race pics.. I agree with Goose. You are one hot mama.

^^^What Brian said^^^

Kate and Powerman, your reactions to my post demonstrate my point that our culture teaches us to view sex through a filter different than other biological functions.  You both seem to have read my post and interpreted it to mean I was all for free love and everybody having sex with everybody else willy nilly without consideration for any consequences.

Powerman, there are plenty of good and practical reasons why public sex in the street isn't a good idea, just as allowing public urination and defecation would be counter to the public good.

Kate, nowhere in my post did I say it was ok for a youth to have sex "for the sake of sex", or that I allowed my teenage son and his girlfriend to do it in my house regardless of her parents' feelings.  There's a wide gulf between saying I don't forbid my son to have sex and saying that I advocate it.  In fact, we discouraged it without outright forbidding it until this year.  Now we don't discourage nor advocate.  Keep in mind that I'm talking about an 18 year old and his 19 year old girlfriend.

I said we discussed sex and relationships and tried to demystify them.  We try to keep it all in perspective.  To me, that means teaching how everything fits into the big picture of life.  First and foremost, that means respect for others.  It also means teaching from a young age that teenage dating should be kept in perspective.  I'm sorry to hear about your friend's son's anguish, but IMO, the fact that you say "she was his world" implies that the relationship held a much larger role in his life as a teenager than is probably a good idea for most teens.  If I saw my 15 or 16 yo son completely obsessed with a girl to the point that his grades were slipping, he wanted to quit sports, wasn't spending time with other friends or family, or couldn't go a day without talking to her, we'd be having lots of conversations to try to get his priorities back in order.  In the case of a 13-16 yo like you're talking about, I'd do everything possible to guide him to the realization that being in a serious relationship wasn't a good idea without outright forbidding it, because I personally believe that taking a hard line with teenagers rather than guiding them is more likely to result in their rebellion than it is getting them to do the best thing.

That makes perfect sense, and I can certainly respect that opinion.  

I'll also say that "sex isn't love and love isn't sex" is a very wise statement.  I use that a lot because often times with the courtship gone awry issues I mentioned above people think the opposite.  Sex is love and love is sex.  So, if a girl has sex with them, then it's because they love them and they get all whacked out when she doesn't call back.  Same thing when in a relationship where there isn't sex.  "She doesn't love me because we're not having sex". 

I think misunderstood the "sex is just a biological function comment".

I applied that to the given topic and something Switch posted. 

My comments have been geared more toward an emerging teenager, but personally, I'll always discourage my son from having sex outside marriage. 

My nephew had a one night stand when he was 19. He got the girl pregnant. She has 4 kids by 4 different dads. She's a prescription drug addict and my nephew currently has full custody of the now 3 year old child. He has no job or way of supporting them, so they live with my brother and my brother and wife. They provide all of the financial support. It's been a painful tough situation for everyone. The little girl is wonderful and well loved by our family, but has been brought into the world under some pretty unfair circumstances. 

Sex isn't "just sex". It creates life, needs to be respected, and that fact is something I hope my son will always remember.